I don’t get the Motion hype

It’s the SWX of underground

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Motion is without a doubt the most highly regarded club in Bristol and one of the most highly regarded in the UK as a whole. It hosts the likes of David Rodigan, Andy C and Just Jack several days a week, with tickets selling for as much as £35 and some big names even contracted to only play at the superclub when they perform in Bristol, or so the rumours say.

It’s comprised of several warehouses, sprawling across the industrial estate, and housing a huge 2500 plate-eyed revellers. This, however, can’t detract from its flaws, of which there are many, and can’t leave it as more than a big, soulless room.

The soundsystem

You won't feel like this in the main room

You won’t feel like this in the main room

The main room in any club needs to be the centrepiece that makes the headline acts as good as they can be, but Motion’s just doesn’t cut it. For ages their soundsystem just wasn’t good enough, with the tunnel and Marble Factory being the far better areas. There’s no point shelling out the equivalent of a week’s food just to have a conversation with your mates in the middle of the dancefloor. The tunnel is where great nights are made, but the main room needs the treatment it deserves.

It'll never be this good

It’ll never be this good

The people

Every night at Motion you’ll be approached by a pale 20-something with a jaw that’s running wild and eyes like tennis balls, who proceeds to badger you about “rave culture” and how “the people here are so special”. So many see going to Motion as a ticket into an edgy musical subculture that hasn’t been broken into by the mainstream, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Motion is like Florence + the Machine: everyone is dressed in a way that would provoke ridicule anywhere else and making a lot of noise trying to be different, but really they are just the same and just as mainstream as everyone else.

If anything, Motion is bringing underground music into the capital driven mainstream, resulting in roid heads and fake tanned girls galore at any given night.

When this guy shouts in your ear he fills it with spit

We all know the sweaty embrace of the moron

Bucket hats

These are so prolific in Motion they deserve a section of their own. They’ve spread through the superclub like a plague and show no signs of slowing down. The wavey epidemic has made far too many people look like dicks already, and it needs to end here.

Take the hats off

Take the hats off

First years

We were all in first year once and we have to let them take their time with underground music, but that’s taken its toll on Motion. When you see a boy wearing an Abercrombie and Fitch polo, collar popped, with face paint and a bandana, you know he doesn’t belong next to you when Deep Medi is throwing out the bangers. Motion has become the focal point of a learning curve for the youngest among us, with many moving on to Adidas jackets and Lakota and too many others falling back into the tacky embrace of SWX. Every time Motion throws a Free Rave the freshers come out in droves, with girls swapping heels for bindis and fake lashes for chewing gum.

Drinks prices

At the best of times students can only afford a few drinks after shelling out £20 for a ticket, but in Motion a can of warm Red Stripe is a luxury. At over £4, the famous lager has broken the bank for all of us time and time again, and things have to change. We’ve all seen loved up new chums offer the other a drink after a smoking area chat, and then practically tear up when asked for payment, wishing they had never asked for that lighter in the first place. It kills the club, with people unable to have the time they want because they’re help back by prices. Also, £2 for a bottle of water is just obscene.

The Drip

Let’s be honest, no one wants sweat dripping on them all night. It’s not fun, or endearing, or quirky. It’s gross.