Which Eurovision song is your uni?

The students of the UK have a lot to owe Eurovision. They dance to its hits without knowing it and, even if they feign cluelessness, they dress like Daz Sampson every weekend.

This weekend marks the 61st annual Eurovision Song Contest, so what better time to have a look back at some of the competition’s greatest moments – paired with the UK’s greatest unis.

Cambridge – ABBA, ‘Waterloo’

Yep, it’s the “obvious choice” – but who wouldn’t want to spend their time at uni cavorting with a load of successful blondes in cashmere jumpers?

Sure, Cambridge itself is about as representative of the real England as a four-piece Swedish disco act, but it doesn’t stop it being bloody good.

Oxford – Domenico Modugno, ‘Nel blu dipinto di blu’

Despite Cambridge’s international appeal, this is the real classic.

Sure, it might not be your cup of tea, but you can at least guarantee you’ve heard of it.

Durham – Herreys, ‘Diggi-loo diggi-ley’

White chinos? Polo shirts? Floppy blonde hair? Dad dancing?

It’s like Herreys went to Durham Uni and said: “We should make a band out of this.”

Leeds – Conchita Wurst, ‘Rise Like A Phoenix’

It’s not uncommon to see someone in Hyde Park with a beard and shoulder-length hair being melodramatic because they can’t get a Canal Mills ticket.

You’ll probably see them again at 4AM, where they’ll High Rise like a phoenix from their K-hole to grab another Red Stripe.

Manchester – Scooch, ‘Flying the Flag’

Attractive private-school types who will chew your ear off with stories about their travels to the far east, and how they were “flying high in Amsterdam”.

They think they’re being entertaining, but don’t know how much they make you cringe.

Exeter – Paul Oscar, ‘Minn hinsti dans’

What came first, Paul Oscar or the Safer Sex Ball? Either way, one’s copying the other.

Bristol – Ivan, ‘Help You Fly’

If his long hair isn’t Bristol enough, Belarus’ Ivan decided he wanted to do his final performance naked, surrounded by wolves, to bring him closer to wildlife.

Eurovision said no.

York – Alexander Rybak, ‘Fairytale’

Just because your mum taught you to play the violin, it doesn’t mean you should trust her when she tells you your waistcoat is cool.

Hull – Bucks Fizz, ‘Making Your Mind Up’

Going to uni in Hull is like being forced to listen to this song on a constant repeat.

UEA – Lordi, ‘Hard Rock Hallelujah’

Too much time in Norwich living with rabbits and the geese will make you look like this.

And if you think UEA isn’t metal enough for uni, you clearly haven’t seen this.

Liverpool – Wig Wam, ‘In My Dreams’

Big hair, big heels, plenty of glitter – if Liverpool was a band, it would 100 per cent be Wig Wam.

Don’t expect to be seeing them play Juicy any time soon though.

UCL – Dima Bilan, ‘Believe’

Greasy-looking men in white shirts with just a couple too many buttons undone.

Hey, at least you can afford expensive jewellery.

LSE – Kraljevi Ulice & 75 Cents, ‘Romanca’

They may look young on the outside, but try and have a conversation with someone studying at LSE and they’ll sound like they’re 1,000 years old.

Plus they probably own a fedora.

Imperial – Buranovskiye Babushki, ‘Party For Everybody’

Like LSE, but with women.

King’s – Les Fatals Picards, ‘L’Amour à la française’

This song was written in a pioneering mix of French and English, which is exactly the sort of up-their-own-arse thing that a King’s student would do.

City University – Paradise Oskar, ‘Da Da Dam’

This is the sort of world-changing thing you’d write if you weren’t being forced to learn shorthand.

The Royal College of Music – Rodolfo Chikilicuatre, ‘Baila el chiki chiki’

Owning a keytar does not make you a musician.

St George’s London – Massiel, ‘La, la, la’

When you start trying to tell us about your medical studies, this is what starts playing in our heads.

Royal Holloway – Silvia Night, ‘Congratulations’

When you don’t have any boys at your uni, this is what the campus is like.

Lancaster – LT United, ‘We Are The Winners Of Eurovision’

“We Are A Top Ten University”. Yeah, Lancaster, sure you are.

Cardiff – Engelbert Humperdinck, ‘Love Will Set You Free’

This is the Russell Group, Engelbert. What the fuck are you doing here?

USW – Blue, ‘I Can’

You’re pretty good looking, and you know how to throw a killer party.

Alas, looking good with your shirt off won’t stop you finishing dismally low in the rankings.

QUB – Dustin the Turkey, ‘Irelande Douze Pointe’

Pretty sure this is just a dramatisation of the Holylands on St Patrick’s Day.

Coventry – Daz Sampson, ‘Teenage Life’

“What did you learn at school today?”

Nothing mate, I go to Coventry.

Keele – Sébastien Tellier, ‘Divine’

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure this is what happens to you when you go to uni in Keele.

Plymouth – Homens Da Luta, ‘Luta É Alegria’

This is actually a pretty accurate cross-section of people in Plymouth. Note the squaddie on the end.

Aberdeen – Verka Serduchka, “Dancing Lasha Tumbai”

Like this song, if you end up in Aberdeen you’ve gone too far.

Leicester – Gipsy.cz, ‘Aven Romale’

In case you were wondering what the city centre of Leicester looked like when they won the league last week, wonder no more.

Warwick – Lena, ‘Satellite’

Oh Lena, you’re so Warwick. So normcore, so nice, but a bit too Kate Nash to stop us getting sick of you droning on for too long.

Nottingham/Trent – Zlata Ognevich, ‘Gravity’

If there was ever a visual representation of the difference between Trent and Uni of, it would probably be a huge Ukrainian giant carrying a tiny posh-looking brunette.

Just imagine the stage is Ocean and you’re halfway there.

Loughborough – Paula Seling & Ovi, ‘Miracle’

You’re not great, and no amount of BUCS wins or fancy keyboards is going to change that.

Portsmouth – Pirates of the Sea, ‘Wolves of the Sea’

With a hi hi ho and a hi hi hey, we live in a town by the sea,

We’ll be on our toes till Tiger Tiger’s close, we are Portsmouth Uni.

Sussex – Pollapönk, ‘No Prejudice’

You’re really left wing and you think you can get rid of prejudice, which is all well and good when you’re a white guy in red chinos.

Falmouth – Brotherhood of Man, ‘Save your kisses for me’

This is the sort of thing you’d come up with as part of a creative writing experiment, but talking about kissing children isn’t art. It’s just creepy.

St Andrews – Jedward, ‘Lipstick’

Blonde dickheads in obnoxious red blazers who you really want to punch repeatedly.

Edinburgh – Loreen, ‘Euphoria’

I mean, I can’t really fault it. It’s a good song. It’s a good uni. Let’s move on.

Glasgow – Zdob şi Zdub, ‘So Lucky’

Oh my God. The towers. They’re dressed like the towers. They’re literally dressed like the towers at Glasgow Uni.

Plus they have a similar propensity for aggressive yelling in thick accents.

Birmingham – Gina G, ‘Ooh Ahh… Just A Little Bit’

Admit it, you forgot about this one too.

Roehampton – Cliff Richard, ‘Congratulations’

This is what people did sarcastically when you got into Roehampton.

Sheffield – Nicole, ‘Ein bisschen Frieden’

If any uni is vanilla enough to sing about world peace on its acoustic guitar, it would be Sheffield.

Sheffield Hallam – Eric Saade, ‘Popular’

Yes, you wanted to be popular, but now you’re studying Events Management at Sheffield Hallam. So who’s the real winner?

Lincoln – Nil points

Maybe next year.