What biscuit are you based on your Newcastle uni halls?

With the amount of biscuits consumed equating to the amount of hours spent in halls this year, who wouldn’t want to find out what best sums them up?

Castle Leazes – Party Rings

Vegan, basic and definitely underestimated as a biscuit. 

They’re definitely the most sociable party biscuit and suitable for all. Loved or not, you aren’t going to turn down the offer and once you start you know you can’t stop. They’re the staple of any party and the colour of a thousand pairs of gap yah harem trousers – we always forget how good they actually are.

St Mary’s – Plain Digestive

No one’s first choice but more enjoyable than you think.

Unlike its chocolate counterpart, no one is ever going to choose a plain digestive if other options are available. Like St Mary’s, plain digestives are a bit irrelevant in the biscuit world with all the other choices on offer, but as you are forced to eat one because it’s the only company your tea will get, you realise that it definitely does its job. Maybe it’s because you were prepared for the worst, but are plain digestives better than you remember?

Park View – Viennese Whirls

Posh, high maintenance and loves the finer things in life.

You aren’t compromising on cost because you know exactly what kind of luxury you want. New, modern and highly sought after – like a place in Park View, the Viennese biscuit isn’t as easily available as a classic digestive or Custard Cream but when you bag one you know it’s worth it. (Could be slightly on the larger side though, a little bit underwhelming).

The View – Jaffa Cake

Reminiscent of the “cake or biscuit” debate, The View raises questions of “is this a student accommodation or a hotel?” A confusing biscuit for confusing halls. Considered too fancy compared to the shared bathroom rooms of Castle Leazes but with the experience of a student flat, the debate is difficult to hear over how great your room is.

Leazes Parade – Nice

You so desperately want to be Castle Leazes and the effort is admirable. You’re so close with the name but don’t quite match up to the notorious party halls. Enjoyable in small doses, Leazes Parade is the very uninspired, nothing-to-write-home-about Nice biscuit.

Marris House – Fruit Shortcake

You’re trying, you really are. 

You don’t want to cause any problems and enjoy keeping to yourself, generally trying to stay out of drama. You’re sweet but there’s something that just isn’t loved.

Verde – Protein Cookie

“Oh whats that? you’re going to the gym?”

Better make sure everyone knows you work out, you walk around with your Huel water bottle, carrying a bag of fresh meat from Grainger Market so everyone knows you’re sustaining those huge muscles. You would never eat something containing less than 16g of protein.

Bowsden Court – Custard Cream

Custard Creams are always there for you.

Often written off as “too far out”, Bowsden Court is always reliable, turning up at every event – be it a pres, birthday or graduation. Despite being so far out, Bowsden Court is always down for a night out, going the (literal) extra mile to attend. Fun, enjoyable and dependable, the Custard Cream pairs with Bowsden court like a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Liberty Plaza – Fox’s Crunch Cream

Basic but stylish.

Definitely the kind of organised person who trots out of their uni accommodation to their lectures in heeled boots. A boujie Crunch Cream matches you perfectly. You have a certain effortless talent of looking put together and it would take more than a dunk in a hot cup of tea to break you down. 

Whatever halls you may find yourself in, make sure you have biscuit tin!

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