Eight things that inevitably happen on every night out in Newcastle

June 21st, we’re looking at you

Our prayers have been answered – Boris has given nightclubs the green light, with summer 2021 on the horizon and June 21st can’t come quick enough. Yet in the meantime, clubbing in the Toon has become but a distant memory.

Your dance moves haven’t seen the light of day in months, your social skills are rusty, and you’ve almost forgotten what blue trebs taste like. Fear not, here’s the rundown of everything that happens on a night out in Newcastle to help you re-live the experience.

You barely make it past pre’s

You’ve got a full day of lectures tomorrow but the tunes are on full blast and you’ve already downed a substantial amount of vodka, so there’s no going back now. You’re all deciding where you’re headed tonight – someone pipes up with the suggestion of Flares, only to be met by a collective groan of disgust and you wince at the thought of Country Roads and the Macarena being played on repeat the entire night.

At 10:59pm, you just about manage to neck your final drink as you seriously consider a tactical chunder. But before you know it, you’re being ushered out the door and stumble into your Uber, excited for a big night out in the Toon.

The dreaded queue

You really wish you’d had that tactical chunder now, because the massive queue for Market Shaker is making you feel slightly queasy – but you brave it for the sake of those sweet, sweet trebs and groovy tunes. Your Southern friends are complaining about the baltic Northern temperatures, but in true Geordie fashion, you’ve opted to leave your trusty North Face puffer at home. You nearly catch hypothermia, but it’s worth it.

You spot one too many socials

Often seen wearing questionable fancy dress – be it neon paint, cowboy hats, or swapping their pride for a pair of animal ears, socials are hard to miss. You find yourself surrounded by rugby boys dressed head to toe in full kit, each 12 pints deep and sporting a mullet. You’ve definitely got with a couple, and it’s definitely awkward.

Using a toilet with zero hygiene standards

You’re convinced this is probably where the coronavirus originated.

Buying way too many drinks

Despite already being knee-deep in your overdraft, refusing another round would just be criminal.

You’ll probably end up in Soho

With the tempting promise of free entry and cheap drinks, you’ll inevitably find yourself stumbling into Soho. It’s not long before you spill your seventh blue treb while tripping up the infamous spiral staircase. One of your mates is necking on with a random boy dressed as a golfer, and another has disappeared into the night, never to be seen again. It’s not ideal, but drunk you doesn’t care.

You go for a post-club scran

Time to call it a night – you’re already three men down, it’s 2:30am and you’re tired, but the thought of cheesy chips is all you need to keep you going. You head towards Toon Takeaway, ready to consume as many calories as humanly possible.

The hangover

You wake up the next morning and are surprised to see that you’ve made it home alive (barely). Your mouth is as dry as the Sahara Desert, your stomach is churning and you’re basically on your deathbed. You’ve spent a small fortune on Jägerbombs and messaged every single one of your contacts including your parents, despite having no memory of doing so. The hangxiety well and truly settles in as you struggle to connect the dots and you vow never to drink again – until next week.

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