The eight types of girls you will find in Jesmond

Note: all of the following come with a North Face puffer, black flares and a severe nicotine addiction

3 years ago

Despite all of our quirks, there are in fact only eight types of girls living in Jesmond and believe it or not, you are one of them. In fact, Jesmond Girl Bingo could be a great pastime for that long Tesco queue. Please note: no offence is intended here. Apart from if you are number two. In which case, this is a personal attack.

The Hungover Girl

Common catchphrase: “I’m never drinking again and I’m serious this time”

In an attempt to remain anonymous on her inevitable trip to the Chinese, this girl will be sporting a vomit-stained hoodie, the oldest (but comfiest) joggers she owns, odd socks, and sliders. It is probable that after collecting her Peking duck and spring rolls she will have to stop off behind a wheelie bin for a tactical chunder on the way home. If you see this girl, do not speak or make eye contact with her under any circumstances – she will bite.

The “Londoner”

Common catchphrase: “St Albans is one of my favourite areas of London”

At any given opportunity this girl will strike up conversation, cig in hand, and profess her love for living in the City. After relaying all the times she has shopped on Brick Lane and brunched in Soho she will then accidentally reveal that she actually lives in St Albans, Hertfordshire. Do not be fooled by the flared jeans and signet ring, these girls have probably set foot on the tube fewer times than they’ve shopped at Lidl – never.

The Coffee Guru

Common catchphrase: “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning coffee”

Same time every day, she will be caught queuing for Starbs for her “Tall, Extra Hot, Non-fat, Double Shot Latte with Caramel Syrup”. This girl can no longer afford to eat as her loan is spent on coffee but she doesn’t care because she “can’t function before she’s had a coffee”. Respect must be given where it is due and the fearlessness of this girl towards the borderline illegal Starbucks prices should be commended.

The “Walk Of Shame” Girl

Common catchphrase: “I promise he’s fitter in real life”

Easily mistaken for the Hungover Girl, this girl has last night’s makeup sliding down her face, suspiciously ruffled hair and a face full of regret as she leaves her ex’s house who she promised her friends she had blocked last week. She will be spotted awkwardly smiling at the builders and early dog walkers as she makes her way back home for an hour-long shower. If you see this girl on her walk of shame, no you didn’t.

The Gym Girl

Common catchphrase: ‘Shit, I forgot to start my Strava’.

This girl exclusively wears Gymshark leggings, Nike trainers and her uni team’s puffer coat with her initials branded on the sleeve. Strava is her social media of choice and she eats avocados as if it’s an Olympic sport. This girl will never fail to reach her 10,000 steps making you feel really guilty as she passes you shovelling a Greggs steak bake into your mouth.

The Charity Chic Girl

Common catchphrase: “Yah, this is vintage from 2009”.

Leazes born and raised, this girl is often found rummaging in the depths of British Heart Foundation for a ten-year-old baggy t-shirt that she will tell her friends is “vintage”. Despite sometimes thrifting a gem, no amount of Febreeze will kill the scent of “Eau de Dusty Bookshop” that those second hand sweaters leave around the streets of Jesmond.

The “Every Walk Is a Catwalk” girl

Common Catchphrase: “Are leather trousers too much for Jesmond Dene?”

When others heard “one hour of daily exercise” from Boris, these girls heard “one hour of strutting the streets”. Equipped with sunglasses, fur coats, hair clips and laden with gold jewellery, these girls will hit the Jesmond catwalk that is the Tesco queue and heads will turn. This girl can’t be blamed for her extravagant outfits; where else can she wear her new leopard print coat other than to buy her ready meal? Let her live.

The MILF

Common Catchphrase: “Just dropping the boys off at ruggers before Pilates”

Straying away from her five-bedroom house in Gosforth to pop into Waitrose, the Jesmond MILFs put all us students to shame. Commonly found walking her golden cockerpoo in full gym kit and perfectly coiffured hair it would be criminal not to give her her own category. She is what all us girls aspire to be as we watch her hop into her Land Rover to drive home to her equally as gorgeous hubby.

As hard as it is to admit, it is simply inevitable that you are at least one of these girls if you live in Jesmond. Don’t be disheartened by my sweeping generalisations, just count your blessings that you’re not a Sandyford girl!

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