Newcastle’s biggest Facebook tossers

Are you a true mad ‘ed? Are you so unayyy that you need an alias to hide your addiction to ket and house? (What did Leazes do to you?).

Are you simply far too ‘rah’, for your own good? Or is it that you require a whole new profile to become the biggest twat on Facebook? Apparently a lot of us do.

1)   HIGH FLYING HOPEFUL

omg first day as intern!

These are the people that use their middle name as their last, or go for initials instead of a real name. It’s all a bit o.t.t. They are either second years, who are applying for an internship or 12, or third years about to tackle the real world #pray4dem

But having a picture having a treble, in a bar that sells trebles, by George James who works for that treble bar; isn’t going to make or break your employability.

Therefore the whole name game is unnecessary, but you know that. You want everyone to know the big steps you’re taking to achieve all your goals (You remember, the ones you and Daddy wrote on your 6^th birthday)

Note to self: If you are that worried about the selfie of you and Scotty T or that you ‘like’ One Direction, will genuinely affect your employability, then just get rid; or “hide from timeline”.

2) THE PROMO PARADOX

Promoters are annoying, so annoying, more annoying than being invited to play Candy Crush, and more annoying than being poked by your estranged Aunty Mabel. Therefore a wanker creating a new profile, with a middle name or last name to clearly warn us away, is a blessing in disguise. Now we can avoid the; ridiculous statuses, offers of glist, group bookings, and more than anything we can stay clear from the fucking invites.

But we can’t, can we?

Like all things promo there is a catch and it’s not just that your wristband is the wrong shade of fluorescent green. It’s that both profiles owned by said wanker, are plagued with queue jump and chaumet offers anyway! So at the end of the day, and two annoying twats later, we can’t escape! It just makes no sense to have two profiles. No one likes promoters in real life, therefore why would we accept a friend request from a social media equivalent that has no other purpose than to serve its master’s every..glist?

Awkward moment.. when I am actually a promo wanker #ForgiveMe #StageOne4Eva

3)   MADE IN WEALTHY

This category is for the ones who feel the need to raise the rah. These are the double-barrelled shotguns, or weapons. But fair play if you’re blessed with a name like, Bartels-Swindells and Russel-Pavier, you can’t do anything about it.

It’s just a shame you sound like a sweet factory and a salmon farm.

A lot of the time however, I can’t help thinking there is an unnecessary choice to add to a surname to create a double barrelled name, just to stand out. As a means of proving some sort of exclusivity. That you attend weird sex parties where you read Harry Potter and sing Christmas carols.

4)   THE ENIGMA

The hopeful is hoping for an internship, the promoter is attempting to pay the bills and the posh kid is just trying to survive; one polo tournament at a time. But number four’s motives are hidden. The ‘random’ off the wall middle name, no words. They aren’t trying to boast of a privileged up bringing or to even give you cheaper entry into Tup. Arguably, they could fall under the “hiding from employer” category; but surely they would use a middle name or an initial? They’re not even being ironic, it’s simply random choices; Kettle , Morecambe and Bang-Tidy!

I guess Daniel got his intern, or was it yours?

Like fellow Tab man Harry Hodges writes, “First name, surname, end of. The amount of extra information in somebody’s name directly correlates with how much of a twat they are.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.