10 things you’ve definitely experienced as the sober friend on a Lancs night out

If one more person tries to drunk call an ex, I’m going on strike x

In every flat, you have a parental figure. They make sure you have a water bottle for your full day of lectures, check that you’ve eaten at least a couple of vegetables each day, make sure you’re home safe, and quite often, agree to be the sober one on a night out.

Most people view this person as a dream come true. They can make sure you don’t lose your keys and your ID, and don’t miss the bus after pres… or so people seem to think. Here’s the truth of 10 things every sober friend has definitely gone through on a night out.

Shepherding people onto the bus

Ah, the Underpass. Tranquil during the day, yet on a Wednesday and a Friday night, it seems to turn into a moshpit of moderately tipsy first years and messy sports teams getting hyped up for their trip Sugar. Have a go at trying to keep track of your flatmates whilst surrounded by very loud, boisterous people who are already a few down. I’ll wait…

Looking after the equivalent of toddlers

Have you ever noticed that as soon as people have a few drinks, they turn into toddlers? They don’t talk sense, they move far quicker than you ever thought possible, and they need almost constant attention. Chasing your drunk friends down is exactly like caring for oversized toddlers – we should be paid overtime for late-night babysitting.

Drunk calls are very funny

This is something that will be all-to-familiar to the sober friend running late to the night out. Not much can beat the hilarity of being called by your intoxicated friends asking where you are; the nonsensical, rambling calls, often made by more than one person, whilst you really just want to hang up. Very annoying, but very funny.

The dreaded drunk texts

The hardest part about being the sober friend on a night out is preventing your friends from making bad life choices. Texting an ex, for example. Here’s a piece of advice for everyone reading: DON’T SEND IT. No one ever wakes up the next morning proud of that choice.

Drunk confessions

Believe me, once someone has a couple of drinks down them, you’re going to start hearing about every questionable thing they’ve ever done in their life. Regardless of whether you wanted to know it or not.

You can appreciate the good music (or lack of it)

The dance floor at the clubs and bars is always packed. ALWAYS. Why, though? Yes, there are some bangers on sometimes. However, it’s got to be good music for the sober friend to dance, as having a clear head allows for a far more objective view on the quality of the music, rather than just jumping up and down to whatever club tune the DJ mangles next.

Trying to make your friends drink water to prevent the hangover

It gets to that point in the evening where people are trickling out of Sugar. You’ve got a taxi back home, and they’re all stumbling up the stairs to the flat. Before you can get them through the doors of their rooms and then lock your own, you feel the obligation emerge to be nice to them. After all, they did let you go out with them. “Make them drink some water to prevent the inevitable”, something whispers in the back of your mind.

However, drunk people don’t listen to you. And rarely drink the water.

You don’t have a hangover the next morning

Don’t you just love the feeling of waking up early, refreshed and ready to bounce out of bed to get that spot in the library you’ve been coveting from afar all week? Just one of the joys of not having a hangover. No headache, no feeling sick, just energy for the day ahead.

You get to witness everyone else’s suffering

Speaking of hangovers, whilst you enjoy your day, the rest of your friends will decidedly not. The words “I told you so!” never need to cross your lips. They know. They always know.

You get everyone’s unfiltered stories the morning after

It is never not hilarious running into a flatmate who has been out the night before and is obviously still drunk yet pretends not to be. They hold an entire conversation with you about their night and then proceed to tell you it all again later on in the day once they’ve had a nap and some food. You’ve heard the story from them and the rest of your flat, and that’s what makes it funny.

If you’ve not been the sober friend before, give it a whirl. It’ll change how you see a night out. If you are the sober friend and want to find others – they’re usually identifiable by standing alone with a lemonade at the side of the dance floor. Say hi. They’re often glad of the company.

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