12 moments from the Handforth Parish Council meeting that every Lancs student can relate to
Read the standing orders. READ THEM AND UNDERSTAND THEM.
The internet works in strange and mysterious ways, but this might take the cake. Recently, a recorded Zoom meeting of the parish council of Handforth, Cheshire has been making the rounds on social media. Featuring such joyous moments as “please refer to me as Britney Spears”, and “you have no authority here, Jackie Weaver”, I don’t think anyone has a clue what these people are arguing about, but they’re not very happy.
In case you have better things to do than watch a bunch of angry people screaming at each other for 20 minutes, we’ve rounded up some of the most iconic moments that every Lancs students can relate to.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about”
The rest of the online seminar once you mute your mic after roughly five minutes of talking about something you know nothing about. Probably also thought by your seminar tutor as they smile and nod vaguely. To be honest, you’re most likely also thinking it yourself and starting to wonder how you actually got onto your course.
“You’re always disruptive!”
When you and your Greggs’ sausage roll are chased down the spine by a duck. We love ducks as much as the next person, but being pursued by a ravenous bird isn’t one of the fun activities we had in mind when we left the house this morning. It’s especially scary if the duck flaps its wings at you – you now know pure terror.
“We’re trying to have a Teams meeting, you fool!”
When you’re in a live lecture and your flatmates decide to have a screaming match in the corridor. Give it a rest, you fools.
“That’s against the law”
When the laundry app eats your money and doesn’t dry your clothes properly again. What’s the secret to getting clean clothes at the right price? It beats me, I’ve never managed it.
“I think if this goes viral on the internet or… Facebook or whatever… it will start a war of words”
Said whilst you submit your flatcest to Lancfessions. Alternatively, this is your flatmate insisting you make a “meet the flat” TikTok with them that they promise will go viral but in reality just makes you feel stupid.
“In 25 years I haven’t seen anything like this”
When your mates say they don’t want a Sultans at the end of a night out. This is a war crime. I want a halloumi wrap, cheesy curly fries, and my free bottle of water and I want them now. Refusing a Sultans is actually against the Geneva Convention. Alright, well, it should be.
When your seminar tutor asks the group any question. Sometimes someone will answer just to fill it, which leads to conversations of the you don’t know what you’re talking about” variety all over again.
“No, I’m against that”
When your seminar tutor decides that it’s a “camera on” kind of day, or a breakout group kind of day, or a presentation kind of day.
“Can we make this recording available?”
When you’ve reached the end of your live lecture and you realise you’ve spent approximately 80 per cent of it scrolling through TikTok. You’ll likely never actually watch the recording anyway.
“The chairman of the council is the… er… chairman of the… er… council”
When you’re still 300 words below the word count on your essay but can’t think of another point. When you get it back, there’ll be a comment in the margin telling you that the sentence is redundant, which you already knew.
“READ THEM AND UNDERSTAND THEM!”
Psyching yourself up to slog through 50 pages of a photocopied PDF of a textbook. Bonus points if it has someone’s scribbles all over the margins and it’s been photocopied on a slant so you get a crick in your neck whilst reading.
“You have no authority here”
The university whenever we ask for a safety net policy or reduced fees. Enough said, really.