Which “which arbitrary thing is your college” article is your college?

Time is a wonderful thing.

In less than two years, we’ve seen what looked like it would be a hilarious revolution in article writing – one which promised to change the face of whimsical student journalism forever – succumb to the insipidity of the Features staple.

It lost its fire. Let’s face it, it stopped being fun after “Renaissance Pope”, and just started sort of being ‘there’. The innovation became another boring old institution. A bit like The Tab Cambridge. A bit like the colleges even.

And as people begin to make the same jokes over and over again, the same attempts at self-parody must also be made over and over again – just, you know, so we can pretend we’re capable of rising out of our own vacuous mire if we want to.

So here you go. So far I’ve avoided using the phrase “pointlessly meta”, and I hope to continue.

“Which Harry Potter Character…” – Peterhouse

The cool original, the primal scream, the Big Bang of the art form commonly referred to as “Which Arbitrary Thing Is Your College” articles. Just swap the magic for weird gowns, excessive displays of opulence and inappropriate relationships with students.

Wait. That’s still Hogwarts.

“Which Children’s TV Character” (TCS) – Robinson

Incredibly keen, but ultimately a crude, red-brick imitation of an otherwise beautiful form, with broken washing machines and an impressively frequent comedy night.

“Which Love Actually Character” – Clare

It was the second one we ever made, much as Clare was the second college ever to be made by the Cantab tribe in the year 120 B.C, thus explaining why the plumbing is so bad and why there’s a pungent aroma of woad in some of the cellars.

“Which Alcohol” – St. John’s

The veneer of LADS LADS LADS masking what turns out to be, for the most part, a pretty posh collection of beverages. Banter.

“Which Ornate Building” – King’s

Too irritatingly self-aware for anybody to really appreciate their genius. Self-parody will also be totally ripped off by this article.

“Which Star Wars Character” – Churchill

Futuristic and full of nerds. Easy. Next.

“Which Simpsons Character” – Tit Hall

Despite appearing in The Tab’s best-selling Michaelmas Print Edition/appearing 8th on the Tompkins Table this one remains pretty niche, but fairly good natured in a piss-takey sort of way.

This article – Girton

I feel a bit of an affinity with Girton. They probably, like me with this article, have got bored of hearing the same joke over and over again (“Girton’s really far away lol”), but their attempts to overcome their irritation just become aloof, detached and out of touch.

“Which Taylor Swift Song” – Murray Edwards

It’s because they’re full of women isn’t it? Damn.

“Which Shakespeare Character” – Homerton

It’s thespy. Shakespeare’s pretty thespy. How much effort did you actually expect me to put into this article?

“Which Pusheen” – St. Catz

Superficially very lovely, but deep down utterly spiteful and passive aggressive. Also, cats.

“Which Cheese” – Sidney

I don’t remember this one, and not very many people remember Sidney Sussex. Plus, it’s near Sainsbury’s, and there’s cheese in Sainsbury’s.

“Which Love Actually Character is your University?” – St. John’s College, Durham

Stop ripping us off, Durham! Stop ripping us off, National Tab! How many times have I said those two phrases next to one another? I’ve lost count.

“Which politician” (Oxford Tab) – Trinity

I was going to save this one for John’s cos “rather be at Oxford…” and all that, but clearly John’s is gone and I don’t want to break precedent and name a college twice. For the sake of tenuous connections, let’s say we believe Trinitarians are all going to become politicians or something.

“Which Musical” (TCS) – Queens’

Very friendly and lovely on the surface, but you can’t help but wonder at the dark thoughts which lie deep within the Erasmus building, built up through years of Punter shit-talk.

“Which Disney Character” (TCS) – Fitz

I mean, come on TCS. FFS.

“Which Renaissance Pope” – Pembroke

Just the right level of self-parody, deep irony and utter pretentiousness, this article rests on the sublime much like Pembroke rests on Trumpington Road.

“Which Sexual Act” – Corpus

An obvious choice: those randy buggers are probably best known to the world as the college which chooses to represent itself with a beetle having its merry way with a clock.

Well. There we go. An enlightening experience all round. Until next time, with “Which of the Tab’s hackneyed attempts at self-parody is your college?”.