Which politician is your college?

Balliol College – Ed Miliband

A bitter rivalry between two colleges so geographically close to one another is akin to the rivalry between Red Ed and his brother. The genocidal poisoning of a Trinity fishpond is an equivalent to a stab in the back in a leadership contest.

Christ Church – David Cameron

For those in Dave’s Chipping Norton set, absence from social events is frowned upon. And if you’re in Christ Church, a no-show in the Bridge smoking area is noted. Naturally someone will come to your room to see if you’re sick, but a second consecutive absence is a sackable offence. Overheard in Christ Church hall: ‘Anyone who doesn’t know what gruyère is can just fuck off’. Cameron would agree.

Corpus Christi College – Boris Johnson

Both are notable for their rather exceptional classical prowess – just look up BJ reciting the Iliad on YouTube for proof. The only difference is that one shows it off with pride and the other bitches about workload.

 

Exeter College – George Galloway

Galloway, of Big Brother cat fame, was assaulted in the street for anti-semitic views displayed by THAT Union debate. Exeter, of Turl Street fame, was viciously bombarded by their Jesubite neighbours – arms their trebuchets and beer bottles their projectiles. However, neither refusing to debate with someone on account of their Israeli heritage nor throwing fruit at drunken revellers is a recommended course of action.

Hertford College – Nigel Farage

Ol’ Nige is seldom seen without a pint and thanks to Hertford’s proximity to the Turf and the KA, it would surely be his college of choice.

Jesus College – Leanne Wood

As Welsh as Katherine Jenkins riding a dragon along the Pembrokeshire coast, surveying the glorious expanse and looking on whilst local farmers do unspeakable things to their sheep.

Keble College – Yvette Cooper

Much like many others on this list, both college and politician carry a Marmite reputation. Keble’s architecture is either adored and loathed and with an expenses scandal under her belt, Yvette has her share of haters.

Lady Margaret Hall – Nick Griffin

On the peripherals of British politics/Oxford. Where is Nick/LMH? Few know, even fewer care.

Lincoln College – Nick Clegg

If we take Turl Street as the ‘major’ three parties, Exeter and Jesus may argue who is Labour and the Conservatives amongst themselves, but there is no doubt that Lincoln is the Lib Dems. Keep trying Lincoln!

Magdalen College – John Bercow

Both college and man divide opinion, since both attract accusations of arrogance and plaudits of brilliance. However, Magdalen’s wife isn’t posing for the cameras with just a sheet to cover her modesty.

Merton College – Vince Cable

Vince recently claimed that working with either the Tories or Labour would be difficult and this problem is faced by most Mertonians. Socialising appears to be rather difficult for them – ever seen one in Bridge?

New College – Alastair Darling

He received a bit of stick for releasing an apparently mind-numbingly dull budget whilst the college cares little for political matters. Debates on such issues are supposedly easily missable.

Oriel College – Nicola Sturgeon

Oriel JCR approved a motion for the college not to affiliate itself with OUSU. Sturgeon marches the corridors of the Scottish Parliament rather than Westminster. Political absence in one form or another…

Pembroke College – Michael Gove

This year’s Norrington table placed Pembroke bottom of the pile, leaving them as Oxford’s ‘dumbest college’. You know what’s really dumb? Try claiming extravagant elephant lamps on your expenses.

Queen’s College – Jim Murphy

Labour’s Scottish golden boy holds only a very slim lead over the Nationalists at the time of writing and could well be on his way out in the election. Sounds a bit like Queen’s reputation after they just missed out to Pembroke in the race for the Norrington wooden spoon. Maybe the Queen will seek to disassociate herself…

St Anne’s College – Danny Alexander

-“Is St Anne’s a good college?”
-“I don’t know to be honest. It might be.”

-“So what’s Danny Alexander about?”
-“I’m not really sure…”
Danny cuts a passive figure just as St Anne’s seems to go under the radar. And it’s particularly apt – Danny was at St Anne’s.

St Benet’s Hall – Alan ‘Hauling Laud’ Hope

Is Benet’s a college? Well, no. Is the frontman of the Monster Raving Loony Party a politician? Debatable. Either way they seem like a fun bunch and don’t take life too seriously.

St Catherine’s College – Harriet Harman

Perhaps you’re one of that public school lot who tries to shake off your privilege by applying to the modern college. Fun fact: Harriet went to St Paul’s Girls School, the female version of George Osborne’s stomping ground.

St Edmund Hall – Sebastian Coe

Sport is love. Sport is life. “Hmmm, might need something to do once my body gives out… Screw it I’ll just get a degree in the meantime, maybe politics will be a laugh”.

St Hilda’s College – Alex Salmond

After his unsuccessful attempt to divide the nation, Al has floated into relative obscurity; he has left the buzzing hub of Cornmarket and crossed Magdalen Bridge. At least there’s more interest than LMH…

St Hugh’s College – Natalie Bennett

The Green Party kingpin has voiced fervent support for the current ban on fox hunting whilst St Hugh’s also wishes to see their own ban on a “Fox Hunt” upheld. M.F.H.s and Black Cygnets should be weary.

St John’s College – George Osborne

The college is responsible for the largest college endowment in Oxford and George is responsible for the British economy. How about spending it on something fun? How about a catapult to launch SJC graduates into positions in the treasury?

St Peter’s College – Ed Balls

Controversy regarding claiming/accepting money has followed both: St Peter’s accepted a sizeable donation from oil giant Perenco whilst Ed and his wife, Yvette Cooper, fiddled around in the grey area of second homes and mortgages.

Somerville College – Iain Duncan Smith

There was much embarrassment surrounding IDS’s running of the Conservative Party, but this can’t come close to the party Somerville ran. Their ball, shared with Jesus, a couple of years back was so god-awful that even The Guardian ran a piece on this disaster.

Trinity College – David Miliband

If we’re honest, it’s the more charismatic, and generally better, of the two brothers (sorry Balliol). The stab in back won’t go unavenged: Ed, keep your eyes peeled; Balliol, protect your fish ponds.

University College – William Hague

Univ is as Oxford as they come: the oldest college, on the High Street, and a name that just “sounds” like an Oxford college to an outsider. Hague is as Conservative as they come: he spoke at the party conference aged 16, studied PPE at Oxford, and was president of the Conservative Association here (we won’t mention the electoral malpractice).

Wadham College – Caroline Lucas

The college has a reputation for its liberal outlook and no one sums this up better than the Green Party’s Lucas, who once wore a t-shirt denouncing Page 3 in tabloid newspapers and thereby breaking Westminster’s rules on dress. Who could match such activism? The kids who organised Queerfest can.

Worcester College – Sajid Javid

Worcester was gloriously named Oxford’s sportiest college and so the
Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport seems the only fit. Blues are as common in Worcester as inactive social lives are in Merton.