Which sexual act is your college?

Show this to your DoS.

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If your college isn’t on the list, it’s probably because you aren’t getting any.

King’s – Rimming

Unorthodox, alternative, and looking for a way to turn things edgy (and weird). Everyone loves to give King’s a go, but it will ultimately leave a bad taste in your mouth. They’re so up their own arse.

An artist’s impression.

John’s – BDSM

Always looking to dominate the top, John’s firmly believes that pain is pleasure. Unashamedly superior and keen to whip the people below them into shape, John’s is the college that will make you wince.

Whip whip leather cane, round the corner John’s is made.

Girton – Web Cam Sex

Desperate to be involved, Girton is too far away for anyone to make genuine effort.

‘Is this good for you?’

Homerton – Snap Chat Nudes

Like its Girtonian cousin, Homerton’s a bit too far away for genuine physical connection. It’s fun while it lasts, but no one’s complaining if your experience with Homerton is only up to 10 seconds at a time.


Murray Edwards – Scissoring

Their determination to resist the patriarchy has left them with a reputation which sticks. Sharp, bold, and joined leg in leg in the name of sisterhood. (But let’s be honest, this comparison is about as cliché and predictable as the people who go there).

Who can tell where the scissors end and Medwards begins?

Fitzwilliam – Premature Ejaculation

Wannabes, outgoing, keen to party with the big-dog colleges. We appreciate their gesture, but Fitz is a bit too excitable and gets too carried about before being taken seriously. And no, they’re not that common.

Ffs, not again…

Downing – Handjob

Bland, bleak, and boring. There’s nothing to say against Downing, but nothing to complement either. We’ll take it if we have to, but it does little to leave a lasting impression. You can do things better yourself at your own college.

Is that it?

Pembroke – Blowjob

This college has widespread appeal and is just kinda great. They don’t call it a job for nothing though: getting to No. 5 on the Tompkins table is hard work.

Work hard play hard, amirite?

Trinity – Threesome

All the best things come in threes. Get it.


Trinity Hall – Tit Wank

Submissive, irrelevant, and annoying. Tit Hall students are all for show, and nobody really sees the point.

Emojis are your liberation.

Clare – Losing your virginity

It’s so quaint, pretty, and innocent that it’s more unpleasant and sickly than enjoyable. If you stick with it, Clare is a college you could get used to though.

Much serene, very idyllic.

Churchill – S&M

Churchill’s brutalist architecture is enough to make your eyes sore. Oppressive, dystopian, and seldom talked about, this college is just painful and one to avoid.

Jesus – Orgy

Host to Cambridge’s sportiest folk, this college is athletic, cool, and has enough stamina to spread around.

B&W wheat fields make the perfect spot

St. Catherine’s – Erectile Dysfunction

Catz students sure make the effort to get you excited, but when you turn up to the party all you’re left with is disappointment. Catz does little to rise to the occasion.

It ain’t going off.

Yeh, students are gross.