Which Harry Potter character is your college?

Hughes Hall – Alastor Moody

Old, wizened and pocked with scars, the OAPs down at Hughes Hall probably only have one leg too. These geriatrics are truly ancient, like at least a year or two older than us normal saplings.

Queens’ – Cedric Diggory

Prissy, goody-two-shoes and as firmly Hufflepuff as you can get without being Durham, Queens’ is slightly too picturesque and brimming with cute wooden bridges to not be ultimately shallow, empty and starring in Twilight.

Gonville and Caius – Vincent Crabbe

Ugly exterior, thuggish demeanor, and a reluctance to play with the other children, Caius will always be a bit of a dullard. Not to mention bullying students into going to formal all the frickin’ time and charging excessive rents.

Lucy Cavendish – Sybill Trelawney

Stays up in her little tower/hill away from most other people, kinda cooky and weird, nobody really knows what her deal is.

Sidney Sussex – Dudley Dursley

Overly close proximity to Sainsburys has resulted in Sidney becoming a bloated, overweight mass of a college, with students too spoiled to ever consider walking more than thirty seconds for anything.

St John’s – Voldemort

Predictable but no less true. Johnian twats are the obvious dark wizards of Cambridge, strutting around in their dark robes waving their ‘wands’ about and generally acting like cunts. Their desire for power is blatantly pathetic.

King’s – Harry Potter

Delusions of being some kind of ‘chosen one’ or special in some way. Thinks he should always be the centre of attention, and cries/sulks for half a fucking book if people treat him like an adult. Considers himself the hero even though everyone else thinks he’s kind of a dick.

Homerton – Argus Filch

The Caretaker of Hogwarts, Filch hovers around the edges of the narrative, and his position as a fully-fledged member of staff is always slightly ambiguous.

Peterhouse – Draco Malfoy

From the most ancient, venerable heritage, and wants everyone to know about it. Rarely deigns to mingle with the lesser breeds. A snobby, port-slurping (if he was old enough) minuscule excuse for a twat.

Robinson – Neville Longbottom

Kinda cute, in a dismissible, pathetic way. Nobody really treats him as an equal, he’s considered as little more than comic relief. Has potential, but currently swamped in red brick obscurity/puppy fat.

Newnham – Moaning Myrtle

Whiny, old-fashioned and petulant, it’s not quite clear what she’s still doing here. Has a distinctly dead atmosphere.

Selwyn – Hermione Granger

Limp, bookwormy, do-gooder, with frizzy hair and a proclivity for being the teacher’s pet. Right slap bang next to the UL.

Corpus Christi – Luna Lovegood

Cooky, petite and mostly just an irrelevant curiosity. Is obsessed with bizarre, possibly fictional creatures, e.g. a perpetually moving giant gold grasshopper.

Trinity – Rubeus Hagrid

His huge (student) body makes him ploddingly ungainly. This hulking monstrosity reputedly has the largest enclosed beard in Europe. Isn’t good at keeping secrets.

Fitzwilliam – Colin Creevey

Tragically keen and overenthusiastic to the point of vomiting. Also obsequiously young. Such a minor character that he barely merits inclusion in this list. Proof that there is such a thing as being too friendly.

Churchill – Minerva Mcgonagall

Stiff, dull and austere, she has no truck with silliness or frivolous arts subjects, but is a damn fine teacher and so scores highly on the Tompkins table. Is ready to fight Voldemort and his Death Eaters on the beaches, if need be.

St Edmund’s – Viktor Krum

Quite exotic, known for prominent older men who enjoying competing in in the highest arenas of sport. Allegedly a tiny bit racist.

Wolfson – Remus Lupin

Middle-aged and worn down, but can be kind of cool.

Downing – Bellatrix Lestrange

Driven mad by the power of having ovens, and has committed utterly unforgivable acts of evil in the past.

Jesus – Gilderoy Lockhart

A poncy, flamboyant wanker with a vastly over-estimated opinion of himself. A colossal ego with floppy hair and not much else.

Christ’s  – Lucius Malfoy

Aristocratic, entitled and icily sure of his own obvious superiority. Has a tiring penchant for the theatrical.

Emma – Quirinus Quirrell

Wet, insipid, stammering two-faced dweeb. Keen advocate for the much abused rights of vegetarians.

Clare – Fleur Delacour

Idyllic, overly nice and really quite vapid. Not much to say here really. Clemence Poesy deserves better roles.

Trinity Hall – Dobby

Always subservient, and headbangingly annoying. A risible, badly-animated hanger on with no real place to call home and an obsession with socks.

Murray Edwards – Ginny Weasley

Bold, spunky and determined to not just be the love interest. She has to fight hard to be noticed with six older brothers and a male dominated environment, but there’s real grit under that ginger dome.

Pembroke – Ron Weasley

Jovially rambunctious, always up for a laugh and has the appearance of being slightly thick, whilst also being inexplicably good at chess and getting firsts. Loves his food.

St Catharine’s – Crookshanks

I don’t really know anyone from Catz, and so like Hermione’s fluffy pet, it remains something of an enigma.

Girton – Severus Snape

Always looking on plaintively from afar, wishing he could be loved. A pathetic, greasy romantic, he is the butt of everyone’s jokes and desperately wants to be taken siriusly.

Magdalene – Albus Dumbledore

The master of his domain, famous for his long white beard, the twinkle in his eye and his eccentric elderly behaviour.