Which cheese is your college?

Just how grate do you think your college is? 

Fitzwilliam – Mascarpone

Mascarpone has a pathetic tendency to obsessively linger on literally any plate, main or desert, just looking for any attention it can get. A low key cheese that just tries that bit too hard.

Kings – Mature Cheddar

The ultimate big cheese, but always seems to be pushing into everything despite being inexplicably bland. A self-important cheese which expects to be the centre of attention.

St Catherine’s – Mild Cheddar
Living in the shadow of its greater neighbour it is notably tasteless, understandably overlooked and frequently bypassed. The unremarkable vibe that is half-heartedly projected by Catz perfectly encapsulated by the aptly named Mild cheddar.

Robinson – Red Leicester

It’s very red there, but otherwise not that special. It’s all about looks: superficial with not much substance. Like grapes, Red Leicester only makes it to the cheeseboard for its striking aesthetic qualities, lurking in the background of the diverse platter that is the rest of Cambridge.

Trinity Hall – Camembert

This wannabe brie is trying to find its true identity. Often overlooked on the platter, its lack of selfhood is genuinely quite sad.

Selwyn – Babybel
Not all that tasty on the outside, but with a soft yummy centre. It’s a shell with activity happening within – you have to be in the know to breach the waxy exterior and fully appreciate its glories.

Pembroke – Wensleydale

A decadent cheese, especially with added cranberry. A college with double weekend brunch deserves a special kind of cheese. Fruity and fun, it melts in the mouth.

Homerton – Dairylea Dunkers
A processed cheese of questionable authenticity. Hasn’t been around long – people are often unsure whether to class it as a cheese in its own right.

St Edmund’s – Stilton

Stilton is the go-to blue cheese, but has an aura of blue sadness due to its preconceived notion of distaste. Many won’t go near it and no one gives it a chance. Like Stilton, St Edmund’s is lonely.

Trinity – Cheesecake

Over indulgent, often with a lot of lavish and unnecessary trimmings.  Cheesecake wasn’t satisfied with the mundane life of a normal cheese, preferring existence as an aloof confectionary in a pathetic attempt to draw attention to itself again.

Girton – Stinking Bishop
No one ever goes near it.

Churchill – Goat’s Cheese

An acquired taste, goat’s cheese feels the need to compensate for this with a strong aroma. Set apart from the rest by its goaty origins, it doesn’t stop there in trying really hard to be different – to the extent that it’s sold in irritatingly distinct cylinders masquerading as contemporary art.

St John’s – Boursin

The decadence of John’s is encapsulated by this pretentious French alternative for margarine. Soft and stinky with a lingering aftertaste, Johnians think they’re special and it’s pathetic.

Queens’ – Mozzarella

A bit clingy, just a bit too keen, always looks appealing, but tainted by how mainstream it is. Like Mozerella, Queens’ is predictable and has never really wow-ed anyone.

Jesus – American Cheese

Individual slices of fake, wrapped in plastic. Too self-confident, but no one would voluntarily consider this obvious and tacky burger topping.

Hughes Hall – Gorgonzola

Steadily growing mouldier with age. Gorgonzola is such an insignificant addition the Fromagerie it barely qualifies for this list.

Newnham – Emmental
Clinging onto a sense of pride, Emmental is riddled with hollow empty spaces that have nothing to offer but an inevitable anti-climax. Being a Swiss cheese, it’s no surprise that Emmental is neutral with minimal involvement.

Lucy Cavendish – Gouda

No one really knows what Gouda is and, akin to Lucy Cavendish, no one really cares either.

Christ’s – Halloumi
Halloumi is the sort of dairy product you would inadvertently consume. Niche and particular, it’s the kind of cheese you would offer entitled guests to appear cultured, but really its chewy consistency makes it hard to pretend you appreciate it.

Magdalene – Roquefort

With a delusional sense of grandeur, Roquefort thinks it’s the big blue cheese, yet still no one knows how to spell it.

Downing – Laughing Cow
The Downing crew are happy in their arrogance, with many found to be superiorly laughing about their 30 second commute to lectures and abundance of double beds. Smug bastards. May uncontrollably moo in lectures.

Emmanuel – Ricotta

Amongst the edgiest cheeses, there’s something not quite right about ricotta. Despite its lack of any real substance, you still wouldn’t say no. If you go to Emma, you are guaranteed to be obsessed with spinach.

Murray Edwards – Cottage Cheese
Soggy and insipid, but unique to all other cheese (because no other cheese wants to be this shit). No context can make this cheese look appealing when it reminds you mildly of vomit. 

Sidney Sussex – Feta

Dry and straight edged, feta never stands alone. It’s only on people’s minds when they’re already in Sainsbury’s.

Clare – Brie
A true classic, brie is a big dog among connoisseurs and amateurs alike. An amicable cheese, no one can really hate it when it just gets along with everything and everyone. But isn’t that just kind of annoying in itself?

Gonville and Caius – Cheesestring
Trying hard to be quirky, Caius is annoying and not highly regarded at first. But when you strip away the layers, Caius is everywhere, with its stringy strands reaching into the furthest depths of Cambridge, there’s no escape. Let’s be honest, Caius is filled with processed shit and mostly for children.

Corpus Christi – Port Salut

With an unnecessarily pompous name, Port Salut lies unobtrusively in the background of any decent cheeseboard. Its offputtingly bristly exterior hides an underrated cheese.

Wolfson – Edam
This cheese doesn’t spoil with age – just hardens. Like Edam, these slightly older students become tangier over time. Yet hidden beneath a waxy façade this lonely cheese just wants to be sliced. 

Peterhouse – Parmesan

Dusty and old, parmesan’s the kind of cheese you get shoved in your face at every restaurant. It wants you to know it’s there. 4/10 would not recommend for a cracker.