Which Pusheen is your college?
Forget the real college cat. It’s all about the college pusheen
Cambridge life is like a box of Pusheens – you never know what you’re going to get.
Stereotypes are simply out of the question.
King’s – Cool DJ Cat
Hip, edgy, sick. They think they’re the coolest cats on the block. Beneath those headphones are the struggles of those alienated by an exploitative mode of production – these are the pusheens who care. Probably keen on catnip if you get what I mean.
St John’s – Fancy Pusheen
“Oh Humphrey, would you mind passing me over some port and cheese to go with my Whiskas and Crunchy Jelly?”
“Fuck off Felix.”
Caius – Spaghetti Pusheen
A traumatised cat – troubled by their place in the world and the lofty heights of the cats all around them. One day you’ll get there spaghetti pusheen, as soon as you get rid of that cattitude.
Girton – Motor Pusheen
The only cats who have enough hand-eye coordination and thumbs to use bikes. Lucky really, because otherwise they would be walking that journey back to Girton.
St Edmund’s – Crying Pusheen
Sad that nobody has heard of their college, disappointed that their mates just lost the Boat Race, and despondent after hearing that all the milk has gone. Chin up kitten.
Trinity – Laptop Pusheen
WORK HARDER LAPTOP PUSHEEN, OR YOUR FAMILY WON’T LOVE YOU. Meow.
Tit Hall – Popcorn Pusheen
Calm, composed, and as relaxed as a 2D cat can be. Munching away on that popcorn, Trinity Hall Pusheen mumbles “I’m so glad I’m not Laptop Pusheen”.
Homerton- Gym Pusheen
Greg Hill built this pusheen – just like he built Homerton Gym.
Jesus – Unicorn Pusheen
Jesus Christ do these Pusheens know how to enjoy life. Paw-sitively excellent at pro-cat-stination, these cats are meow-nificent. Purr-etty purr-fect.
Pembroke – Chef Pusheen
Apparently this cat is given access to Meow-chelin star food on the reg. The rest of the litter is jel but can’t tell Chef Pusheen or their head will explode. Look how cute it is though – everyone wants one of those hats.
Downing – Pikachu Pusheen
The Downing Lawyers are apparently the ‘cream’ of the crop. Magic circle law firms are gonna catch ‘em all.
Peterhouse – Sleepy Pusheen
You’ve been awake for 731 years now, it’s time to get some sleep. Otherwise tomorrow will be a cat-astrophe.
Christ’s – Donut Pusheen
Just across the street from Cindies, Donut Pusheen never feels that post night-out urge to splurge, and instead walks straight back to Christs and munches on their donuts.
Magdalene – Book Pusheen
This cat will be furr-ious if you talk in the library. Smart, composed, and careful. The type of cat that sends you lecture notes rather than scratching and hissing – this is the type of cat that you want on your side.
Corpus – Normal Pusheen
Tough luck Corpus, you’re just a bit shit.
Churchill – Hidden Pusheen
You would look better under a paper bag. Your college is allowed to show its face but no more and no less. Your fur will have no place in the University prospectus, and even your proximity to the Maths faculty is a bit useless because cats can’t do Maths.
Hughes Hall – Lazy Pusheen
The lowest of the low – this Pusheen is at the foot of the Tompkins. This cat is LAME. It has mineral deficiencies and can’t even catch mice proficiently. When the cat revolution takes place, lazy pusheen will be the first to fall.
Fitz – Family of Pusheens
There is a severe overpopulation problem at Fitzwilliam Pusheen HQ. Last time it was investigated, it was found that a Pusheen cannot even have their photo taken without another three Pusheens being in the photo at the same time. After years of animal research, Fitzwilliam has proven that cats CAN swim because they obviously managed their way through the pool.
St Catz – Passive Aggressive Pusheen
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PUSHEEN CANNOT HANDLE THE IRONY. CATS IN CATZ? MADNESS.
Emmanuel – Sushi Pusheen
In love with fish and cultural appropriation, Emma cat likes to keeps himself to himself. This cat is a bit pampered, with free laundry service and with a Nandos round the corner. A peri peri cool cat indeed.
Sidney Sussex – Shopping Pusheen
Never seen without a Sainsbury’s bag, they loiter around Sidney Street all day before going home and remembering that they are a cat.
Queens’ – Birthday Pusheen
Described by one friend as ‘the beating heart of Cambridge’, and by another as ‘the shit one next to Darwin’, this cat is having a bit of an identity crisis and so has resigned herself to pretending its her Birthday. It isn’t.
Words by Jack Lewy Editing/Illustrating by James Wells (it took foreverrrrrr)