Which Love Actually character is your uni?

Forget the arrivals gate at Heathrow airport – if you ever get gloomy just head to any uni in the UK.

From the cobbles of Cambridge to the ziggurats of UEA, we’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.

Cambridge – Alan Rickman

You have a floppy fringe, a nasal accent and a taste for all-brown blazer, rollneck and slacks combos. Entitlement may lead you astray but, even though you may dance with eager Russell Group unis in Ballare, you know you’ll always end up back with Oxford.

Durham – Alan Rickman’s flirty secretary

Slutty lingerie, lusty stares and endlessly saying “Doxbridge” – you’ll stop at nothing in your quest to come between the UK uni power couple.

Klute is full of dark corners for doing dark deeds, so wait under the mistletoe in your slutty devil costume and maybe one day Oxbridge will finally give you that kiss of recognition you’ve been waiting so long for.

Oxford – Sad Emma Thompson

In the beginning it was just you and Cambridge. Kindred spirits with only eyes for each other. You’d talk long into the night and passionate intellectual disagreements would only strengthen your fierce bond.

Sure you’d have arguments, usually at least one big row (get it) a year, but nothing like this. Now your relationship is as worn out as the Joni Mitchell album you’ve got on repeat, and even the impending prospect of varsity can’t put the spark back into your relationship.

York – The radio presenter

You have the best student media in the country, and Christ don’t you let everyone know it. Shame your Derwent chair position and your byline in Vision won’t matter for shit when you land a grad job at Radio Watford.

Liverpool/JMU – Bill Nighy and his manager

As much as you’ll refuse to admit it, yours is a solid relationship built on nights upon nights of living it large in the UK’s lash capital. You both embrace the ageing rocker aesthetic – big hair, aggy makeup and drunken fights in nightclub toilets. Put those childish rivalries aside and you might just realise you’re the fucking loves of each others’ lives.

Leeds – Keira Knightley

Leeds is tall and blonde, and the only thing sharper than her cheekbones is the decor in her Charles Morris bedroom. She’ll say “I look quite pretty, don’t I?” as if it’s an offhand remark, but she doesn’t know that everyone despises how beautiful she thinks she is.

She’ll show up at your house in the early hours of the morning with a vintage denim hat on her head and a Get Baked banoffee pie in one hand, claiming her video’s gone all “blue and wibbly”. She thinks she’s talking sense, but you know from her eyes she’s been at Canal Mills all night.

Sheffield – The weird guy who films Keira Knightley

Your obsession with Leeds is as never-ending as a ride on the Paternoster, a desperate longing for rivalry-cum-love affair you can tell the world about – but really you’re just failing to get their attention with a dead-eyed stare and reams and reams of creepy camcorder footage.

Not to worry, though: head to Corp, get the 50p vodka shots in and ask the DJ to play some Dido. It’s a self-preservation thing.

Manchester – Keira Knightley’s husband

The real king of the North, Sheffield hate you and Leeds will do absolutely anything, including putting a ring on it, to make your rivalry legitimate. Meanwhile you’re effortlessly calm and complacent, chilling on the sofa thinking about what you’re going to wear to Pangaea.

You should see through your wife’s lies though: the closest thing you get to annoying carol singers in Fallowfield are the wailing masses rolling out of house parties on a Sunday morning.

Newcastle – The wedding singer

You’re cool, but definitely too far “up there” to be a real part of the action. You’re having a fucking great time up there on that balcony/really far North, but no-one really understands what you’re about. Who asked you to sing at this wedding? And what’s a Tup Tup?

Northumbria – The wedding choir

You’re just Newcastle’s backup dancers.

Trent – Colin Frissel

Loud, sex obsessed, doesn’t think before he opens his mouth – if there’s one thing that Colin has going for him, it’s that he’s a lot of fun. You and Notts are mates, but your relationship consists of slagging each other off and you telling Notts to stop being so stuck up and cut loose a little bit.

You wouldn’t think twice about travelling across the world for a foursome. And you’ve got a big knob.

Nottingham – Colin Frissel’s boring mate

They’re the good angel on the shoulder of Trent. The calming influence. They’re fun, but always in moderation. They’ve got real careers to think about, so they can’t just up and leave to go and bang some American worldies. Well they could, but they’re too boring.

Everyone knows that Fridays at Ocean are a little less classic, with less nakedness and far fewer VKs. Exactly like Colin Frissel’s mate, you’re on the edge of the mad shit, looking in but never being the life and soul.

Glasgow – Jamie

You seem so nice, so why do all the other Scottish unis shit on you all the time? You’re so downtrodden that even the saddest song in the film is named after you. With the cruelness of your peers battering you as hard as the inclement weather, most of us want to take you to a Portuguese log cabin, wrap you in a towel and tell you everything is going to be alright.

St. Andrews – Jamie’s dickhead brother

You make no effort not to appear sinister, but you weren’t invited to the wedding because everyone can tell there’s something a bit off about you. Far away and not really involved in any other uni, the only time you have any relationship with another institution is when Edinburgh jokingly ribs you about your weird balls and lack of anything fun happening. Won’t stop you fucking them though.

Edinburgh – Jamie’s bitch girlfriend

Edinburgh convinced itself that it could like Glasgow – that it could be a normal uni. Really though, it’s just as posh and sinister as St. Andrews. You act cold and aloof towards them, maybe even call them tragic, but when no-one’s looking, you find yourself in bed bonding over your similar taste in coats (Canada Goose), your fondness for balls and how cold it is all the bloody time.

You’ll tell everyone you can’t go to WhyNot? because you’re ill, but instead of resting up you’re snuggled up in chunky knitwear with your closest rival.

Aberdeen – Aurelia

No-one can understand what the fuck you’re saying.

Stirling – The ‘I hate Uncle Jamie’ kids

Glasgow think they’re so much better than you, so it’s no surprise that you despise them. However no matter how much you chant “We didn’t go to Glasgow cos it’s shite, we went to Stirling Uni cos it’s fucking dynamite”, they still care about you so little that they’ll fuck off before they’ve even given you your Christmas presents.

UEA – The wedding DJ

It’s your cheesiness which makes you great – you’re not ashamed of who you are, even when other people are cringing as you belt out “Oh UEA is wonderful” over the mic. Come on, don’t pretend you wouldn’t be first on the dancefloor if Puppy Love came on in the LCR.

University of Kent/Canterbury Christ Church – Ant or Dec

Who can tell the fucking difference?

QUB – Liam Neeson

Much like the grieving process, Belfast’s been through a lot. You wear grey scarves and cry all the time, and even if you are happy your accent still makes you sound miserable. Seriously, it’s like not even a Boojum can cheer you up.

Birmingham – Sarah

It’s a combination of the grey weather, the ugly buildings and the UK’s worst accent which makes everyone feel sorry for you. You’ll claim you’re Britain’s second most important city, but everyone else has stopped listening quicker than you can say “Night, Carl”.

Loughborough – The kid

Full of nervous energy, if Loughborough were to play an instrument it would be the drums. Not requiring any particular skill, just raw athleticism, this kid drums and drums like BUCS depends on it. Seriously though, he’s the only character in the whole film that does any running. And boy, can Loughborough run.

Warwick – Joanna

Sure, you’re talented, but you’re lacking in real-world knowledge. Whether it’s an overbearing mother or a campus in the middle of fucking nowhere, you’re so sheltered that you probably still wear trainers that light up. Plus your terraced house in Leamington Spa may as well be in America.

Leicester – The headteacher

Just like teaching, Leicester is rarely anyone’s first choice. You might enjoy it at first and think you’re doing something worthwhile but before you know it, life is one never-ending tedium of O2 night after O2 night and you’re little more than Loughborough’s wingman.

Cardiff/Swansea – The porn stars

Off on the side, not really connected to the rest of the story/England, you two are quietly but deliberately banging away. Having a great time with no-one to bother you, you spend your time not taking yourself too seriously and copping off with the locals.

Bath – Carl

Good looking, fit bod, obviously plays a lot of sport, but at the end of the day, really fucking dull. Just like those who go to Bath and indeed the city itself, it’s all style over substance. Carl’s luscious locks, similar to the bath stone that gives the city its distinct character, are outstanding to look at, to run your hands through, to get off with. But scratch the surface and there is nothing happening.

Carl’s dead behind the eyes and about as fun as having to finish all your nights at 2am. And just like a night at MNB you’ll be dead keen, but will probably get interrupted before anything fun can happen.

UCL – Hugh Grant

The affable boss of all things London, you can bust a mean move whether you’re on the steps of Number 10 or the dancefloor of Loop. You’re the most British uni in the capital and would be the first to defend institutions such as David Beckham’s left foot (and his right one, come to think of it).

No-one could accuse you of trying to be cool, but that doesn’t bother you – you’re fiercely ambitious and don’t mind paying outrageous London prices because you’re already in high places.

King’s – Hugh Grant’s assistant

No matter how many hours you put it in the Maughan, you’re going to spend the entirety of your university life living in UCL’s shadow. It still won’t stop you making bitchy comments about lesser unis like Royal Holloway and its sizeable arse.

Royal Holloway – Martine McCutcheon

You normally stay out of the hoity-toity drama of London’s upper echelon because you’re doing your own thing, but this weekend you’ve decided it’s about time for you to be put on the map.

With all the grace of a fresher in Monkeys you bound into London with a potty mouth and a devil-may care attitude, only for UCL and LSE to both hit on you so relentlessly that all you can do is retreat back to Egham (the dodgy end).

LSE – The American president

You don’t get that much attention compared to UCL and KCL, but when you do wander into the frame everyone can’t help but not like you very much. You wear a lot of hair gel, spend too much on suits and have probably never actually met a poor person.

UAL – The cock bloctopus

You awkwardly take your place in between the other London unis, even though none of them really want you there. Thank God you’re so good at papier mâché though – eight is a lot of legs, after all.

Bristol – Rowan Atkinson

Don’t be fooled by their posh surroundings and probably-at-Wills home counties accent.

The illusion will soon be shattered when Bristol starts speaking, since one too many nights in Motion have turned them into a weird bumbling mess who smells like cinnamon sticks and won’t let you live your life in peace.

Exeter – Hugh Grant’s singing bodyguard

You make a lot of noise, but you’re so distant from the main plot that you’re pretty much irrelevant.