Every type of fuck boy you will meet at Lakota

Am I coming up yet?


Stokes Croft, the creative hub for the likes of independent cafes, offy's, turbo island, graffiti and most importantly clubs. It is is notorious for its weird and wacky characters, not for its fuck boys, which seem to be taking over every night out I go on recently. It's time this changes, or you're aware of how to spot them, so grab some popcorn and feast your eyes on this compilation of shame for every fuck boy you will unfortunately come across at Lakota.

The Fresher

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"Can you take this pic so I can send it to my parents"

You will rarely spot a fresher in Lakota without a VK in one hand and their phone in the other. If you're looking to hunt one down then look for a bemused, spotty looking adolescent with bulging pupils scouting the crowd for their scatty mates. You may often hear them chatting to randomers in the toilet queue proclaiming 'This is my first time at Lakota' and 'I have never taken a pill before' , try not to judge them, we have all been there too. If you happen to pass one in danger, give them a sip of water and then send them on their merry way.

Typically found: It is hard to miss a fresher but just in case you were wondering, you will find them in the smoking area asking randomers if they look fucked or can pinch a rollie, alternatively you will hear them in the toilets throwing up some mysterious substances.

Over heard saying: "Am I coming up yet?"

The Dealer

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"You can use my pics if you blur my face out"

Always there when you don’t need him and nowhere to be seen when you do. Prepare yourself for an underweight bag of reasonable quality product. Seemingly shady but once a deal is made be prepared for him to be your new best mate every time you see him in the smoking area. Generally quite scatty and will make the transaction way more intense than it needs to be. Commonly spotted in navy air max 95s, a fresh pair of grey joggers and a north face bumbag strapped around him.

Typically found: Lurking in the shadows with a ralphy cap on

Over heard saying: "Coke, ket, mandy, pills" or Anyone want a balloon"?

The Rugby Player

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"I have never met a girl like you.."

Drum roll please, still recovering from PamPam Wednesday's you may feast your eyes on the fit rugby lads. But I warn you, make the most of this special occasion as it is a rarity that they venture into the hidden depths of Lakota.

Typically found: With their shirts off at the bar, yelling at the top of their lungs "get me a fucking drink!" . These rugby lads will know how to wine and dine you, they will give you the smoothest chat ,but be weary because they have had this same conversation with 5 other girls tonight! Don't let their chiselled abs fool you, these boys are ruthless and they will stop at nothing until they get a "spoon".

Over heard saying: "I cheated on my ex-girlfriend but I am still loyal"

The "Gap yahh" fuck boy

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Oh of course, the gap yah fuck boy only comes to Lakota for one thing and one thing only, well have you guessed it yet? They're here to tell you absolutely everything there is to know about travelling around Thailand for his one month holiday… of course he didn't do an actual gap yah, and yes they spent all of daddies money before their supposed trip was meant to end.

Nonetheless, they have hundreds of humbling stories about how they found themselves whilst in a buddhist meditation retreat, and how they learnt how to surf and got caught up in some gnarly riptide, but survived to tell the tale. They will usually have long curly hair too, so basically Eyal from Love Island.

Typically found: Anywhere in Lakota, wearing harem pants telling everybody about how cultured they are.

Over heard saying: "When I was in…"

The Posh fuck boy

Which private school did you go to?

Commonly disguised by their 'vintage' Adidas jumpers and their love for Eats Everything, it is not always easy to spot a posh fuck boy in Lakota.

The first thing on their agenda when moving to Bristol is to fit into a cool subculture instantly. One may take the indie pathway, telling you endless stories of how they started smoking when they were 14 because their parents got divorced, and how fucking sick it was when they watched The Stone Roses at Wembley Stadium.

Additionally others may go for the rebellious wannabe road-man look, these boys will be found at the front of Lakota with their gun fingers blazin all night occasionally taking a 5 min break to take a bump of ket. However, this will still never deny the face they went to Eton and were brought up with a nanny, dog walker, and go hunting in the country side every weekend with their dad.

Despite this, they will try to blend in with the 'norm' and will repeatedly tell you that they voted Labour because they are a strong advocate for Utilitarianism.

Typically found: At the bar spending all of their parents money, or smoking a packet of Camels outside arguing with a UWE student.

Over heard saying: "I food shop at Waitrose, but I am not a Tory".

The Wannabe DJ

All of my housemates hate me

His ideal date is texting a girl "Wanna smoke and chill?"

If you're looking to meet a Wannabe DJ then Lakota is certainly the place for it. This type of fuck boy didn't even DJ before coming to university and chances are they spent half of their loan (or their parents money) on a midi controller. They play their overrated jump up music in Room 3 at Lakota on a dead Tuesday night in exchange for a (shock) red stripe and 2 guest list tickets. If you're looking for free entry to Lakota then shagging a DJ will just about do it.

Typically found: Stood up in the smoking area nattering away to randomers about how sick bassline is.

Over heard saying: "Follow me on Soundcloud "

The "Roadman" fuck boy

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Last but certainly not least, ladies and gents I give to you… the road men! Lakotas most notorious fuck boys, if you haven't heard of them by now then do you even go here? The road men are usually club promoters offering you 'Free Q-Jump' if you buy through them, they rarely pay for their entry into Lakota because they beg it with the DJ's on Twitter and offer them free coke to be their mates. You will spot a road man in Lakota if you look for trackies and a pair of Nike Air Force 1's.

Typically found: In large crowds throwing gunfingers and fistpumps on the dancefloor like they are going out of fashion.

Over heard saying: "Oi my size"