Why Hustle in Lancaster is hands down the worst club in the country

As much as no one will ever admit it, Hustle is at the top of everyone’s list when it comes to ranking the worst hometown clubs in the country. Every Saturday night, you hear the cheap bevs and dance floor calling your name. You convince yourself you won’t end up there again, and then find yourself on the sofas a 4am.

Here's why Hustle is the worst club in Lancaster:

The drinks are called things like "cock sucking cowboy"

These are guaranteed to make sure you don’t remember dancing under the low ceiling when you wake up the next morning. The best way for anyone to picture Hustle’s level of class is to take a look at the names of said shooters: cock sucking cowboy, quickie on the beach and booty juice.

The drinks menu is topped off with 3-4-1 on bottles including everyone’s favourite VS and other drinks deals like £1 vodka mixers on a Thursday. There is absolutely no chance you’re leaving Hustle either sober OR skint.

They charge us to get in

Running from Spoons (Wethers, the inconclusive debate) next door for a stamp before 11 is a feature of every night out in Lanny town. Although, even if you miss it because one of your mates peaked at pres or you decided to walk instead of taxi, you’ll probably still only be a quid down after 11.

Sometimes they get a bit big for their boots and try and charge you a fiver, you know it’s definitely not worth it but you pay anyway because at 4am when you’re screaming Come on Eileen at the top of your lungs, it will be long forgotten.

The free birthday ‘Champagne’

Where else in the world would you want to celebrate your birthday? Show your badge and be gifted with a large bottle of what tastes like warmed up piss. You drink it all though because why would you ever deny free alcohol? And it is your big day after all.

The plastic flutes make for a classy picture ready for Insta the next day and you know everyone is going to be mega jealous that you turned 19 in such a well-respected establishment.

The music is the same in every. single. hometown. club

The music is cheesy enough to make everyone in Lancaster a toastie. Throwback Thursday is the best way to describe it with everything from Cotton Eye Joe to Wannabe being played, like you're back in a primary school disco.

You’ll wake up with no voice and regret screaming the chorus of Mr Brightside both in the club, and continuing as you walked down Common Garden Street to the taxi rank, but you’ll look back with fond memories of you and your pals performing (not just singing) every track from your high school years on the smallest dancefloor in the country.

There's free food which means the club turns into a zoo at feeding time

Never before have I been in a club where I have been given FREE FOOD. Getting a Snapchat on a Saturday morning advertising ‘a Domino’s pizza give away’ is sometimes that final factor in the decision to go out rather than stay in.

From turkey sandwiches on Boxing Day to free hotdogs and chips, Hustle tends to all of our drunken, hungry needs. When the trays arrive, the club turns into a zoo – a similar reaction to when the burn book was leaked in Mean Girls -and people go wild for a slice of pizza.

The ‘nothing is ever too much’ décor

In fairness, although a little trashy, not a penny is spared when it comes to decorating Lancaster’s fave club.

The recent addition of a ball pit makes for fun and injuries when your friend persuades you it’s a good idea to jump in head first. The randomly placed arcade you stumble through on your way to the loo is also something I imagine to be quite unique to Hustle.

Hustle also win at theme nights. Being welcomed in on Christmas Eve by a carpet of fake snow and polar bear statues made for a perfect start to the Christmas weekend.

You know everyone in the club which means anything you do becomes town gossip

Hustle quickly becomes the second home of anyone living in Lancaster, especially if you had the pleasure of attending sixth form in the city. The size of the dance floor makes it difficult to hide from anyone. Decide for yourself whether this is a good or bad thing.

It’s open until 6am and they sometimes give out lollies to reduce noise complaints

You’ve rolled out of Glow Rooms at three and you know you’re not going home, so you head back to Hustle.

Who remembers when they used to give out lollies at closing time to shut everyone up and reduce noise complaints? 6am strikes, the bangers stop and off you head to Mognies (or now, ‘Simply Delicious’… what), ready to do it all again next week.

Hustle is a club which you hate, but you love even more and have some sort of loyalty which means you will always go running back for just one more song. Hustle, you might be the worst but please, never change.