The problem with fancy toilet paper

It’s one of the biggest conundrums you’ll face as a student – to basics or not to basics.

You might hate that sandpaper Sainsbury’s call toilet paper, but I’m here to tell you that maybe you shouldn’t. If you’re using the expensive stuff, you really have hit a bum note. And here’s why.

Bog roll banter

It’s not until beginning your independent life as a student that you realise how significant toilet roll and lack thereof can be in terms of your general quality of life.

Unlike at home, it’s unlikely you’ll have a well-stocked roll holder on standby and the unplanned poo is a luxury you can no longer afford if you want to avoid the shame of the improvised wipe.

And students love a bargain. 16p for brand-less or £1.50 for branded, surely no contest? A common mistake no doubt many of us have learnt the hard way, or the ruthlessly rough way as the case may be. So having discovered that even at 16p sandpaper is of little value, you decide to be kind to your behind and treat yourself. ‘Double quilted’ – that’s more like it, obviously, you don’t really know what that means, but it sounds quite nice.

Out of loo roll? Urine trouble

But wait, there’s more – “now embossed with puppies, baby koalas and other cute, innocent critters on every sheet!’. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t wish any of the few functions my toilet roll performs on anybody. As such, I’ve never had a particular yearning to wipe my arse on a bunny rabbit, well, maybe a bit, but certainly not an adorable little Labrador.

So, if you have any kind of moral compass, you’re forced to boycott the gentle indulgence afforded by the double quilt. It begs the question though – just who exactly is this marketing strategy targeting? Surely research hasn’t indicated that the primary consumers of toilet roll are sick bastards.

It just doesn’t make commercial sense. I could understand if these deluxe rolls were patterned with the likes of Mugabe and Fritzel, or the Kardashians.

Definitely no luxury here

So then, in the absence of a student-friendly roll, my advice would be to cease buying toilet paper. I’m not saying you should quit wiping altogether, rather offer yourself a less ignorable reason to visit the library. Or invest in a bidet.

Alternatively, you can ignore my advice, if you couldn’t give a shit.