Exclusive: An interview with the campus ducks

Lancaster has a borderline-concerning affection for its ducks. Every other post on Overheard at Lancaster is a photo of a duck. The weekly uni newsletter features a Duckwatch section. Students went into campus-wide mourning when that one dead duck got found.

We’re super into them

The Tab is all about interviewing important campus characters, so we made our way down to County to interview our fine feathered friends. What we discovered amazed us.

Hello. First things first, what are your thoughts on the love the students show you on social media? Is it flattering, or do you worry it may become too much?

Quack.

You’ve done a remarkable job of marketing your personal brand, despite having somewhat niche appeal and also being a bird. Do you think the Marketing students over at LUMS could learn a thing or two from you?

Quack. Quack.

Of course, success breed jealousy. Not everyone is as quick to accept you and your people, with one incendiary Overheard poster claiming to be “getting real tired of all this duck ‘banter'”. What are your thoughts on his second claim, i.e. that duck fans are unable to get their end away?

Quaaaack.

Onto current affairs now, and the upcoming EU Referendum on the 23rd June. According to the RSPB, “Mallards in the UK may be resident breeders or migrants – many of the birds that breed in Iceland and northern Europe spend the winter here”. What are your thoughts on the levels of duck migration that the EU’s/the sky’s open borders enable?

Quack. Quack quack. Quack.

Interesting. What of the Remain campaign’s argument that leaving the EU will lead to an increase in the price of bread and other commodities, an issue which I’m sure is of particular relevance to you?

Quack, and indeed, quack.

Well this has been fascinating. Fancy getting some food?

Quack.

Yeah, I was thinking of getting some Chinese.

Quack! [at this point, the duck fled and I was unable to catch up with it]