What should your college disaffiliate from?

What should students turn their lack-of-disaffiliation anger towards?

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After the recent “No” result to disaffiliation from the NUS, many colleges and Cantabs are still hungry to prove their autonomy.

CUSU asked us the question of “Should CUSU disaffiliate from the NUS?”, and here’s what your colleges should be asking you soon.

Should Trinity disaffiliate from the rest of the University of Cambridge?
With Trinity dominating the Tompkins table for over half a decade, it’s clear that they no longer need the rest of the university. They think they’re a big enough of a success in their own right, and well, they pretty much are.

Should St. John’s disaffiliate from access programmes?
John’s clearly doesn’t want to have the quality of their admissions to be tarnished by people of “lower quality” through access programmes. The only way to maintain standards is to reject the poor.

Should King’s disaffiliate from communism?
A spectre is haunting King’s – the spectre of communism. The time might have come for King’s to refresh its image, and leave behind its leftie associations. Lol, jk, #ViveLaRevolution.

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Students of King’s, unite!

Should Girton disaffiliate from the city of Cambridge?
It’s funny because Girton is far away. Ha.

Should Gonville and Caius disaffiliate from Gardies?
Accusations earlier this year over the conduct of employees of Gardies towards Cantab women gave a bad reputation to this establishment. After the accusations, maybe it is time Caius let go of this connection.

Should Trinity Hall disaffiliate from Trinity?
Constantly living in the shadow of the successful Trinity College has left Trinity Hall neglected, and bitter. Perhaps the time has come for Trinity Hall to distance itself and actually be known for something other than being the result of an accidental google when searching for Trinity College.

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Trinity Hall only exists as people keep mistakenly applying to it instead of Trinity.

Should Newnham disaffiliate from the men of Cambridge?
What better way to show that you’re a strong independent woman who don’t need no man than disaffiliating from all the men of Cambridge? Having heard one Newnhamite refer to Cambridge as “like a buffet of men” though, I don’t think this is going to happen.

Should Sidney Sussex disaffiliate from the Roundheads?
After the infamous events of Caesarean Sunday, the college may wish to disaffiliate themselves from their now notorious drinking society. The good news is that the chap who was injured on the day is recovering. Sidney Sussex students, make a stand and decide if you want to be affiliated with this society. You don’t have to blindly follow the status quo like sheep.

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I still can’t get my head round the events of the day.

Should St. Catharine’s disafilliate from the Catharine wheel?
Whilst the mediaeval torture device on the shield was initially a positive symbol for strength in adversity, it now is more representative of the masochistic tendencies of students to torture themselves to get a first. The chances of that happening are so low that you might as well disaffiliate from the wheel.

Should Queens’ disaffiliate from terrestrial accommodation?
Over the past few months, a close and intimate relationship between the grounds of Queens’ and the river Cam has begun to form. Queens’ is slowly becoming the first aquatic college of Cambridge. A referendum on leaving Cambridge, and joining Atlantis is soon to be held.

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I have a sinking feeling that they’ll vote “Yes”.

Should Peterhouse disaffiliate from all other colleges?
Much like how I consider at family holiday occasions why my parents thought it would be smart to have a second child, Peterhouse often wonders why there’s any need for the “modern” colleges, when obviously the first was the best. Many colleges wonder why there’s any need for Peterhouse.

Should Jesus disaffiliate from the caff?
Despite the strong message sent out in the Caff documentary, not much change has happened in Jesus, apart from the censorship of students. A clear message must be sent to “the man” about the state of the chip portions.

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The whole debacle was a bit of a caffuffle.

Should Hughes Hall disaffiliate from undergraduates?
Hughes Hall students are mature, and tired of undergraduate freshers being messy and having childish problems. The college should decide if they still wish to be associated with the unready undergraduates of the university.

Should Pembroke disaffiliate from itself?
The college nearly reached a level of civil war that rivalled Marvel’s hit release this year over their “around the world in 80 days” bop. With half the college calling it “culturally appropriating”, and the other half saying “just chill mate, it’s bantz”, is it time for Pembroke to split into two colleges?

After this bop, it seems the college is Pembroken.

Should Clare disaffiliate from Peterhouse?
Unless it’s in the bedroom, no one cares who came second. The only way for Clare to become an interesting and worthwhile college is for it to disaffiliate from Peterhouse, so that it can claim to be the oldest college in Cambridge.

Should Churchill disaffiliate from its own premises?
Churchill’s architecture is almost as ugly as Malia Bouattia is anti-Semitic, and no student should have to face such a vile monolithic excuse of a college on a daily basis.

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At least Churchill is helping diversity quotas by providing jobs for blind architects.

Should Fitzwilliam disaffiliate from being the butt of The Tab’s jokes?
I’ve never really visited Fitzwilliam, and until recently was only aware that it was more than just a museum. What I do know though, thanks to various “which is your college” articles on The Tab, is that it’s a bit of a shit-hole. Based on the calibre of its undergraduates that I’ve met, I’m inclined to agree.

Should Corpus Christi disaffiliate from that fucking ugly clock?
I don’t even need to explain to which clock I am referring as we all know which eyesore-inducing piece of shit I mean. I think that the whole of the unviersity would support a campaign to have this clock removed, destroyed, or sent to Oxford.

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We should move this to a new locus(t). Take your time to think it through if you didn’t clock the pun in that sentence.

Should New Hall disaffiliate from Murray Edwards?
New Hall may wish to distance itself from its predecessor, Murray Edwards to avoid confusion. Since the name change, people incorrectly still refer to it as “Murray Edwards College”, and students have had enough.

Should Lucy Cavendish disaffiliate from the Tompkins Table?
With an average ranking of 27.6th, Lucy Cavendish may feel like it is time to remove themselves from the Tompkins Table rankings. Nobody is judging Lucy Cavendish for consistently performing poorly on the rankings though – well, somebody has to be last, right?

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I’m sure many would have a differing opinion on you, Priscilla.

Now is the time to use your democratic rights, to become the vox populi and show the rest of Cambridge and the world that your college controls its own affiliations. Stiffen the sinew, unfurl the banners, and upon this charge, cry “Yes to disaffiliation”.