Newport is more than just Shropshire’s answer to Magaluf

It might be small, and people might always ask you whether you mean Newport Wales, but our Newport has a charm far better than any big city. Home to three schools, a thriving nightlife and surrounded by beautiful countryside, it’s hard to find anything to complain about.

We grew up amongst thousands of other young people

There are three schools in the town centre, which means lots of students. Everyone knows everyone and most of us live within ten minutes of each other, which is good because you will always have someone to do something with. There’s no need to text someone to meet up because you’ll probably bump into them on the High Street anyway.

Plus there are those creepy men you see more than your own family because you’re out so much but you don’t know their names. People refer to them as “Friends-from-out”, but they aren’t really friends unless you’re both really pissed.

Waitrose 

From Safeway to the middle-class supermarket it is now, the shopping centre has been a central part of Newport since the beginning. So many hungover trawls of the reduced section after an evening at Mainers and everyone knows at least one person who worked there. Sundays paid so much more and we were all jealous of them, but secretly knew we wouldn’t be able to do any shifts that day after a Saturday night at the Tav.

Mainers (Central Square)

Everyone in Newport has been to Mainers at least once. Officially named Central Square but never once called that by anyone, DJ Tony is there every weekend to see us through with a bunch of Rihanna and Pit Bull tunes.

Starting an evening at the Tav at ten, somehow you manage to forget the second half of the pub crawl. Things are hazy at the Phez, let alone the Barley, and once you’ve seen someone do coke off a sink on the way into town, you know it’s going to be a classic Newport night.

Who would pay £5 for Mainers? You would. And so would everyone else you’ve ever known.

Friends from elsewhere don’t get it until you get them to visit

You didn’t believe me when I told you you wouldn’t remember anything did you Michel? And now look what’s happened. You’ve lost your blazer and have a mini bouncer figurine in your bag.

After that though, they’ll realise how much they love it. You can do whatever you want in Newport and get away with it, like a complete break from reality between the hours of 10pm and 4am.

Cooperative 

Hidden up a side street next to Spice Island, The Cooperative is the place for cheap booze and cookies. People were outraged at the new Aldi being built on the outskirts of town, asking whether we really needed one when everything we could have possibly wanted was on the High Street.

Second hand book stores

So many. Miss Havisham might also have been inspired by a woman from Newport who became a recluse after she was stood up on her wedding day, since Charles Dickens came to stay once. 

Animosity between Boroughs and Harpers

Will they ever get along? Probably not. Turned up shirt collars and boat shoes vs. blue un-tucked shirts and Clark shoes, forever fighting on FUBAR nights until the end of time.

The pubs are in a strip

Several pubs being on one strip means it’s like going on holiday. People from elsewhere are amazed about how much drinking actually goes on here, the reason being that’s kind of the only thing to do. We already have the guy vomiting on the bench outside the pet shop, the guy pissing himself and the eighteen-year-old girls in heels and bodycons.

All we need is someone handing out flyers and it’s basically Magaluf.

The Barley dancefloor

The pool table has been moved so that Stacy from The Red Lion can grind on Robert from Smallwood Lodge to the UK Top 40. Drinks are spilt, but there is no holding back. Everyone loves it, everyone knows each other and no one cares. Justin Bieber is playing but you couldn’t really be any happier until 2am when you’re kicked out and stumble across to Mainers.

The outrage at doubles price increase from £2 to £2.50

We used to be able to get completely smashed off a tenner and now we only get pretty smashed off a tenner. Every pub knew if they all did it the business would still be exactly the same except they were making 50p more, so a great business plan for them, since we still all keep going back.

The buses are hell

If you ever got a bus to school you know what I mean. Boroughs at the back, sixth formers in front of them and then everyone else. Shoes are thrown, gum is put in people’s hairs, moonies go out the window. The part of the school day everyone hated, but still put up with and fought for their place in the bus social hierarchy.

40 minutes to get to Telford? You’re having a laugh.

The school rush

It’ll take twenty minutes to drive down the high street at 8.40am and 4pm Monday to Friday.

B&M Bargains

Woolworths is a distant memory but we’ve been here through it all. So many people stole from here as kids, and now my parents love it for all the discount craft ales.

The Aston half-priced Mondays

If you can’t afford The Fox then there is a cheaper equivalent within walking distance from town that means you can get something that sounds expensive for a fiver. Book in advance though, it’s not a secret. 

Walks by the canal

We all joke about the dead fish and the smell of cows and marijuana but a walk along the canal is actually pretty pleasant, you can go fairly far in either direction if you manage to avoid the swans guarding their young. The old railway is also a great spot to walk down, and it goes all the way to Stafford.

Loitering around Vicky Park

Vicky Park has seen more than any human. The whole of the human psyche could probably be mapped out by the events that have occurred within its fences.

Wellington Surgery or Linden Hall

Everyone goes to one and would never dream of going to the other.

Aston Hill

There are rope swings up there, and dodging the nettles means teenagers can camp up there and get away with anything. It’s easy to see the town and feel like you’re miles away without really leaving. 

Rajas is always there at the end of a night

Never has there been a better place to get take-out then Rajas. The staff are great, the service is second to none and we are always too drunk to notice anything about the hygiene rating.

We’ve had more fried chicken from that place than anyone cares to think about, and it’s not that shameful to admit you’ve had a pizza there sober.

Jones or Zach’s Plaice

Choose your poison. My dad says Jones’ portions are bigger, my sister says Zach’s nuggets are better. Mostly it just depends on which side of town you’re on. A fish wrap sounds strange, but it’s actually the best thing you can order.

Jaspers

For whenever you want a rabbit shortbread half-dipped in chocolate, we have our own, original alternative to Greggs (but we do also have a Greggs). 

Indeterminable accent

No one quite knows where we are from, but we know. 

People from Newport can tell which school someone went to from their accent, but everyone else just thinks we’re Northerners.