Every mistake you’ll make as a girl at uni

We’ve all been there. The first taste of freedom naturally brings with it a steep and hilarious learning curve that you might well remember forever.

But if you can’t make mistakes at university then when can you? It’s okay to mess up sometimes, and it probably won’t matter in a year.

Go to uni with a boyfriend

It seemed like a good idea when you left since he was of course the love of your life and you couldn’t tear yourself away from him and what’s the point of breaking up when there isn’t anyone else? Eighteen-year-old you is definitely qualified to decide a long-term partner.

Cheat on him

It was an accident. It didn’t mean anything. I was really drunk I barely remember. Still gonna keep going out with him pretending nothing has happened though.

Rebound on a close friend

Eventually you realise that the person you’d been on-off cheating on during first year isn’t the one. The break-up was painful, but Joe was really nice to me throughout it. So nice. Actually, Joe is kind of attractive isn’t he? Why didn’t I notice this before? God, maybe I actually love Joe. No wonder I broke up with Leo, I’ve been in love with Joe the WHOLE TIME.

Tell Joe

It’s not a good idea sober. You have agreed that. But for some reason after a couple of glasses of red wine and a boost of confidence from your new crop and denim jacket, you realise that if you don’t say anything you’re going to be held back forever, trapped, lonely and cold in your student house of other girls. What do they know anyway they’re all bloody single, trying to give me advice about love don’t they know I’ve been in a long term relationship once? Barely slurring, throwing caution to the wind, you corner Joe and tell him. He seems confused since you’ve been friends for ages and had no sexual tension or even been alone together that many times but you explain you had to get it off your chest. He’s glad, but excuses himself to get a drink as soon as he can. Well, at least I tried. Can I have another glass of wine please?

Wear crop tops with mini shorts

This isn’t secondary school so why do you want to look like you own a fake ID?

Get a pointless piercing

It’s going to be infected for the full three years and no-one’s even going to notice it anyway.

Get a pointless tattoo

So I’ve picked the number and the other language, time to put it on my body forever.

Get a wall hanging on eBay

It’s just so me, you know? I went on one holiday and did a few psychedelics and yeah, I like elephants. Oh this old thing? That’s just my photo medley of street art that I didn’t paint but took pics of and put up on my wall because the colours look like a mandala and symbolise how I don’t really need to be at university because all I have to do is decide what to do with the time I have been blessed with and not focus on things that aren’t really important or connected.

Believe him when he says he is gonna pull out

So neither of you have a condom, you’re both wasted after whatever shitty Tuesday night was on, Joe is a distant memory and you’re not on the pill.

“I’ll just pull out?”

“Yeah good idea.” Win-win.

A few thrusts later and he’s collapsed next to you with a quiet “sorry” before falling asleep. You chastise yourself for believing him. He seemed so perfect before but now the hangover of reality hits and what appeared to be a rower-body with a model head is now just some random first-year with his baggy jeans round his ankles and a Big Bang Theory poster on the wall.

Believe someone when they say they’re clean

This time he is definitely attractive, and why would he want to give me chlamydia? He wouldn’t. So just a few words of reassurance from Fred and I’ll be googling symptoms that I’m not even sure I have for a good week before going to the doctors and finding out nothing is wrong. Weird though, because I’m pretty sure everything was pointing towards Syphilis.

Do both of these things again

This is the last time I take Fred’s stupid twenty and go to Boots.

Have a one night stand on Halloween

The walk of shame in full face Black Swan makeup will never be forgotten by my friends or the locals.

Get fat in first year

If you’re catered it’s easy because you’ve got to get your money’s worth by filling up on waffle fries before having a bottle of wine in the evening. Three times a week. If you’re not catered it’s easy because you’re drinking loads of VKs before leaving the club and getting a takeaway. At least three times a week. Luckily mums don’t mind pointing out to you when you get home for Christmas that you’ve gotten “chunky”. Excellent.

Buy loads of sports clothes and never wear them

Yeah so I’ll take two sports bras please. That way I can wear one while I wash the other. Two years later and both still have the labels on.

Join a Bums and Tums class because you think it’s the easiest one

You’ve been fooled by the deceptively cute alliterative name and now you’re going to be screamed at for an hour by an angry lady with a tight ponytail and forearms stronger than thighs.

Not pencilling your eyebrows

First you don’t pencil, never even owned a pencil, and you’re eyebrows are basically non-existent.

Overpencilling your eyebrows

Then you discover pencil and have them way too dark and look like a man but think they look great, all encouraged by looking at too many Kim K instagram pics.

Go to the gym in make-up

Literally what are you doing?

Go to Sainsbury’s in your pyjamas

People with jobs hate you right now.

Move in with the first people you meet in halls

How was I supposed to know Charlotte likes to practice violin at seven in the morning to catch the best light and harmonise with the birds but only on weekdays because at the weekends she’s too busy putting food on plates and leaving them around the communal areas like disgustingly unhygienic bear-traps? I swear if she does it one more time I’m gonna move out I don’t even care about paying two rents etc.

Think girls are cleaner than boys

They’re not.

Dress up for lectures in first year

Dreams of meeting the perfect person in your seminar are so much more likely when you have mascara on. Obviously. But it won’t be long ’til you’re turning up to your Shakespeare lecture stoned in trackies and a jumper joking about how the pointing lecturer looks like they’re casting spells then realising you didn’t even make notes you just drew things that seem to resemble Pokemon but really aren’t anything. Thank you, me, this will be useful in exam season.

Discover ASOS Premier  

Unlimited next-day delivery with no minimum order value for a whole year? My student loan is doomed. I can’t go to my 9am, Mel, because I need to be in to sign for my package and I’m not collecting it from the Post Office when it’s like a five minute walk away and I’m in my slippers.

Get a fringe

No you do not look older.

Get your housemate to dye your hair

No one knows why I decided to let Emily dye the underneath of my hair red, she doesn’t care how it looks. Then again deciding that wasn’t enough and so making it purple only to realise purple and brown make red again wasn’t really explicable either. Now I’m gonna have to wait for this all to grow out and never tie my hair up for about six months. Which also means I can’t go for runs. So win some lose some I guess.

Go on a stupid diet

Having a salad at Pizza Express is really depressing.

Get a calorie counter on your phone

Crying when someone discovers you’ve diluted your wine with water to reduce the calories isn’t healthy, it’s really sad.

Drunk text someone that you will see every day for the next three years

“Hey Mas, are you put tonihgt? Would eb good ot see uyo! x”

You check with your friends it’s subtle enough after you’ve sent it. They nod and agree because it’s too late and you’re too drunk to take the truth.

Decide cordial is the perfect vodka mixer

It’s the most disgusting drink on earth.

Wear a playsuit on a night of heavy drinking

Never will you have to ask so many strangers to zip you up in the toilets, or make as many “Friends-from-Out”.

Miss a good night because you’re crying in the toilets

Why didn’t I make more of an effort with you, Joe? Have I wasted three years being with the wrong people? I’m so dumb why can I never just be happy? I always ruin things for myself. Quickly followed by your best mates calling you babe and stroking your back for two hours, secretly really annoyed because they want to go and dance but not being able to live with the guilt of not toilet-comforting someone who won’t remember anything of what they said in the morning anyway.

End up being carried home

Not only is it completely unsafe it’s also extremely frustrating for everyone else.

Send an incriminating snap to the wrong person

The tenth circle of hell.

Try something you probably shouldn’t

Stronger than Ket you say? I’ve never heard of MXE. So don’t take too much? Nothing’s really happening… Oh oh now I’m looking down a tunnel. No I can’t talk so stop asking me to do things. Please, I gave you the thumbs up that means leave me alone. This will wear off eventually…right?

Look forward to having the reliability of a job

“At least you know you’re weekends will be free.”

Don’t. Just don’t.