Varsity: the stereotypes

Varsity was a week of NUCO texts, shit puns and the Melting Pot.

Even though you probably didn’t make it out onto the slopes until 2PM, when you did you’ll have definitely noticed something: There were actually only 5 people in Tignes.

1. The snow themed barbie

Most often seen looking far too good for a heavy night and early start this stereotype can’t ski for toffee, and only cares about turning heads at the après.

Others have done a full morning of skiing before she’s left the deluxe accommodation, and her evening starts at around midday, because actually exerting oneself absolutely destroys a face of makeup.

Most likely to be seen:

Dancing on tables at La Folie Douce

Most likely to wear:

Tight trousers, puffa jacket, furry headband

Most likely to say:

‘Pardon Monsieur, comment nous voyageons à Val d’Isère?’

2. The ‘snowboarder’

Riding an ironing board may have been cool in 1999, but so was inflatable furniture and double denim.

Impractical attire, long unkempt hair, headphones and a love of words that should never have left Australia (loose, gnarly, rad) are usually all aspects of this hippie monstrosity seen carving the pistes, or more often, traipsing along the flats in their club footed boots.

Most likely to be seen:

Cutting up the slopes like a gnarly shredder

Most likely to wear:

Carhaart all round, looking like the Grande Motte ketamine dealer

Most likely to say:

‘They call me the butcher, because I carve man’

3. The rich kid

Often accompanying the aforementioned Barbie, all that matters to this stereotype is looking fucking great cruising down the mountain.

Skiing ability irrelevant, mummy or daddy’s partnership at Goldman Sachs comfortably provides all the latest kit, lessons, and three trips a year necessary for the coolest skier on the mountain.  A summer spent just North of Cannes means this skier’s French is also impeccable, perfect for ordering that €18 Sandwiche.

Most likely to be seen:

Ironically laughing at people in Saloon, obviously

Most likely to wear:

Salopettes that cost more than your house, matching goggles and coat, wooly hat or headband because helmets are for peasants

Most likely to say:

‘The snow makes this Veuve taste exquisite’

4. The ski hipster

Obviously a large portion of the snow sports enthusiasts from Oxford and Cambridge got lost on the way to Tignes and ended up in a 80s themed pop up off the kings road.

Bright jackets and clashing trousers are often conversely accompanied by a voice that sounds like it’s trying to escape from the back of their heads. This is a plague on the slopes that can certainly be blamed on the re-emergence of Ferris Bueller as a style icon, and how someone somewhere decided baggy fluorescent clothing was a thing that ever looked good.

Most likely to be seen:

Off piste, because skiing between the poles is just SO mainstream

Most likely to wear:

Parents’ skiing gear, because the fact that they skied in the 1980s make you so fucking hip

Most likely to say:

‘No one wears goggles, I bought these spectacles on my gap year in Laos from a street vendor whilst discovering myself and they’re way more practical’

5. The ‘costume wanker’

Seriously, these guys are the worst, when did it become a thing to wear synthetic bodysuits that render Scooby-Doo a fucking pseudo-intellectual.

Worn by the kind of person who wears their leavers hoodie to dinner these things were actually encouraged by NUCO.

The only thing worse than this outfit is how many people wear it.  An abhorrent plague on the slopes of Tignes, here’s to praying all onesie manufacturers go out of business in 2014.

Most likely to be seen:

Skiing in a large group, go pro’s donned, laughing at how hilarious everyone looks

Most likely to wear:

Matching banana suits, tuxedos, Pikachu costumes, or any other foul costume picked up off amazon for a fiver

Most likely to say:

‘Think how funny it would be to wear a onesie!’

If you do wear a onesie and are offended by anything in this piece, or you spent the week smoking illegal drugs by the snowpark and feel we’ve left you out, please contact us at [email protected].