Freshers’ Guide: Oxford A to Z, Part II

Here is Part 2 of our A to Z for new students. If you missed Part 1 it can be found here.

 

M is for Matriculash: Matriculation – the crowning glory of your booze-fuelled induction into the university, the ceremony when you officially become an Oxford student.

Get in your bow-tie and gown, got to the King’s Arms and forget any affiliations you ever had with the ordinary working person. You are one of us now. Your friends will never look at you the same way, you’re the elitist, gown-wearing Oxford wanker now.

So embrace it, send photos to your Gran and try not to forget where you came from, man.

N is for Not doing the following: Don’t waste tutorials. Don’t kiss those who live on your staircase in bops.

Don’t join the Conservative Association and dress in full-Tweed to the pub. Don’t talk about work.

Don’t think Oxford is Brideshead. Don’t think it is Bristol either.

 

O is for the O2 Academy: The biggest gig venue in Oxford, the O2 has started to host actually attendable artists, with Duke Dumont, Aluna George and – wait for it – Blue all set to play there in the coming weeks.

The O2 reminds you that there is a nightlife outside of the university, largely based in Cowley, which also includes the Bullingdon Arms for house music-lovers, as well as Gathering Festival amongst other things.

P is for Power-partying: Power-partying is not a phrase, but accurately describes how people have fun here.

Fitting in a lot of work, sport, drama and whatever else in the day, it gets to 9pm and you realize you have to fit in ‘fun’.

So people get in the bar, get battered in an hour or so, get in the club by 11 and are home by 1. Oxford is one of the few places that does fun by efficiency.

Q is for Questions: Ask lots of them in tutorials. Don’t be afraid to come across as stupid to your tutor – much worse to come across as thinking you know a 1/10^th of what they do. You don’t. Ask questions for an hour and you will learn a lot.

R is for the Oxford Revue: One of Oxford’s most famous institutions, the Oxford Revue are the comedy troupe that has produced the likes of Armando Iannucci, Richard Curtis and Rowan Atkinson.

For a while they’ve been pretty crap, though last year they introduced an open mic night called Audrey, which was pretty good. Their show ‘Desperate Liasions’ received mixed reviews, but they’re definitely worth a chance.

If you think you’re funny look out for their auditions, particularly if you’re not actually that funny.

S is for Shit clubs: Most Oxford clubs are shit – but you know what? Get drunk and they can be quite fun.

Camera (Tuesday) pretends it is in Mayfair. Park End (Wednesday) is great for kissing sports players.

Bridge (Thursday) pretends it’s very different from the others (it’s not). Wahoo (Friday) pretends it’s a reputable sports bar.

A group of provincial Oceanas look-a-likes where you can get 10 VKs for £10 amongst a mix of people who don’t like going out, leading to a lot of drunkenness, but not alot else.

Being drunk and staying up ‘til 3.30* is pretty crazy though, I guess. (*Correction – 1.30).

T is for Tequila shots: Without coming across as a Rugby hero who ‘smashed Cancun’s back doors in’ during their gap year, shots are absolutely essential in Oxford.

Once you walk into most clubs, you’ll quickly realize that, despite a bottle of wine, you’re not anywhere near drunk enough to find this fun. And at around £2 tequila is the obvious choice over the liquid pain of Sambucca.

U is for Union: The Oxford Union has detractors as being a strange institution which has fixed elections of dislikeable characters, yet no actual power to do anything in the real world.

But it hosts talks from truly incredible characters from around the world throughout term too. Plus the debates every Thursday attract expert speakers to discuss everything from New Labour to homophobia in sport, where students can step in and actually join the debate against politicians and journalists.

V is for Varsity: The annual boat race in the Spring between Oxford and Cambridge is the main embodiment of Varsity spirit.

This involves getting hammered in West London (just down from your new friend Humphrey’s London home), singing songs and hating a University that isn’t too dissimilar to ours whilst simultaneously alienating ourselves from the rest of the country.

If you look hard enough, there are Varsity games going on all the time: Varsity mixed lacrosse, varsity water polo, with varsity rugby at Twickenham. These events are a great time to stick on your scarf, change you status to ‘Shoe the Tabs’ and bicker with the only group of people in the country who can’t beat us up.

W is for Winter: You spend October, November, January and February here, so many of your memories will just be of you being cold in various places in Oxford. On the other hand, the summer terms of 15 degrees is basically idolised as eight weeks in the Carribean.

Y is for Your Work: You’ll have too much, you won’t be able to do any of it, even when you think you can do it it’ll be shit (93% of students last year got a 2:2).

Nobody will teach you how to write an essay, everyone else on your course will be better than you, you’ll have no free time EVER. In the fifth-week of your first term you will become so unhappy that you have to leave (see F, Part 1).

In other words, STOP WORRYING YOU’LL BE FINE. It’s your first year, so don’t stay in the library too much.

You can work hard in your third year – go out, embarrass yourself and have fun FFS. You’re 19 and you’ll never look back fondly on a good lecture as much as you will crowd-surfing a bop.

Z is for Zzzzzz – You don’t need to. Thatcher ruled the country on four hours’ sleep. Sleep in the holidays.