Other half coming to visit: What do I do?

Long distance relationships: How to keep them sweet.

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You’re stuck in a long distance relationship that you can’t leave because everyone at Oxford is ugly or wears red trousers or both.

The other half has a reading week, their bags are packed and they’re on the train.

You’ve finished your essay and bought a pack of condoms.  Your fridge is stocked with cheap wine.  You’ve deleted your texts from the night before.

Girlfriend? What girlfriend?

The big question remains:  what to do with them?  The Tab looks at the moves that will result in a blissful future with your partner and those that will leave you most definitely as friends.

Go to Camera/Bridge/Parkend

This night will either end three ways: You passed out on your own floor.   You kissing someone else in the club.  You vomiting cigarette butts that you were forced to drink in some fucking hilarious game.  Either way, your partner will hate you.

You end up as: Friends.

Go to the 02

Coming from some cool other University, your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband is going to want to take some narcotics.  You end up cradling each other whilst nodding along to progressive car alarms.

You end up as: Really good friends.

Stay in and watch a film

With you both crammed onto a single bed with a tiny laptop screen to share, this is only going to end one way.  Meanwhile it’s a great excuse to demonstrate how much you’ve changed at University by putting on something shit like Amelie.  No other way to fill the evening once the film ends than with lots and lots of sex.

You end up as: Friends with benefits

Wonder whether they’ll be affected by the welfare cuts…

Take Them on a string of dates

Go for dinner, walk around the dreaming spires, pop in for a Pimms at the King’s Arms.  Don’t go to Park end.  Don’t go to the 02.  Don’t talk about your essay crisis.  Nor the really hot girl who lives next door to you.

You end up as: An actual couple.

It’s probably never happened, but it’s a thought.