Miss Tabitha

Firstly, let’s get one thing straight. ‘Epiphatrocities’ was not a flop. It was huge in Japan, actually. Off the back of its mammoth impact in the dramatic world, I’ve decided to take an official détente from my directing career to focus on my true passion – reviewing student theatre.

For far too long my twitter feed has been clogged with wishy-washy, nepotistic reviews – ‘you should definitely not think about potentially not missing this play’ or ‘Kat and Ems did such a great job – even better than the skits we used to do together for our parents in Montpellier.’ I have quite frankly had enough.

What makes my opinion worth putting in lights? I’m sure you read all about me in my semi-official biography but if the Bodleian’s copy was reserved at the time, I’ll recap it for you.

Your loss Hollywood

I founded OUDS during Fresher’s Week (the drama wardrobe is still predominantly my old bop-costumes), I starred in multiple episodes of Lewis and I single-handedly oversaw Oxford’s participation in the Harry Potter films.

To the Christ Church students who revel in the ego-boosting walk down the hall staircase – you’re welcome.

After university I wanted nothing more than to review – but unfortunately the industry dictated I become a hugely successful actress first. C’est la vie. My first film with Tommy (Cruise, obv) won seven Oscars, but the success went to his head and I think he’s now become a scientist of sorts.

After that they were all beating down my door – Julez R, Brad P, Smithster, Robby D – so I was forced to retreat into the Quebecois indie scene to hone my craft. Having to learn French-Canadian was a fairly difficult week.

Now at the ripe old age of twenty-four, I finally feel sufficiently educated to pursue a higher calling – penetrating the thesp subculture of Oxford University.

You, the students of this eminent institution, want honest and concise insights into student theatre. You want snappy, up-to-date information about gigs, exhibitions and shows. You want someone sexy and stylish to give it to you. You want me – Miss Tabitha. Hold the applause.