How to Defeat Leafleters

It is time we started winning this war on promoters.

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“Are you going out tonight?” This is a phrase heard numerous times when walking to and around campus.

This is followed by forceful attempts to push leaflets and wristbands into your hands. This anti-social behaviour is justified with the retort that “It’s free, and anyway we’re giving you money off”. You can’t justify something crap, just because it’s free. Syphilis is often free and not many people want that.

A hot spot for promoter rats

As for the assertion that they’re saving you money, everybody in their immediate social circle knows one or two promoters and it’s far less hassle to go to them, rather than attempt to remember some obscure name after three trebles.

The Tab now offers a definitive guide to the best excuses:

  •  “I don’t have any hands”

Very simple and straight up. Due to the cold, you probably have your hands in your pockets. Just pretend that they’re not there and all you have at the end of your arms are stumps. Harassing the disabled is considered rather uncouth, and they will hopefully leave you alone.

  • “Is this made from recycled paper”

Nobody really knows the answer to this. They are usually not very bright so it will confuse them quite easily.

  • “No speaka de English”

As they then attempt to push a leaflet into your hands gesture wildly a la any European in a vexing situation.

  • 4) “Your flies are undone”

By the time that they have looked down to check, you have passed them and you’re away: no catching you now.

  • “Are there fit girls” (change to boys, if needed)

“Yeah” “Is there cheap alcohol” “Yeah” “Sorry, I’m Muslim, I don’t drink or have sex” Their hopes are raised, then dashed. They believe they’ve sold you their lies and the sale is snatched away from them.

  • “Here, have this”

Give them something, equally worthless. A piece of paper from your seminar for instance. As they reject it, swear about the “ungrateful bastards”. Make them know how we feel. Just remember, the most important thing is to make them feel worthless.