Hair care for down there

Thinking of tidying up downstairs? Here’s our guide to men’s pubecare, featuring an array of threatening tools.

All men want to deceive women into thinking they have been blessed with a massive package. You could either visit dodgy sites in the eternal search for enlargement or use the power of the illusion.

Here are the tried and (mainly) trusted methods…


Old School – Scissors

Permanent residence in the shower

The way your father taught you. This technique is common for the Average Joe looking to appear respectable on a one night stand. There’s nothing wrong with it, but is there enough that’s right?


  • Cheap
  • Minimized risk of genital itching


  • No swag points
  • Time consuming


The Professional Wax

Just the man for the job

The rise of the wealthy metrosexual has undoubtedly led to more and more men opting for the sack n’ crack wax. A favourite among hot shot pornstars.


  • Smooth as a baby’s bottom
  • Likelihood of oral increased tenfold.


  • Humiliation of being contorted into positions with names like ‘nappy change’ and ‘opening the gate’
  • Excruciating pain.


The Wet Shave

Sharp blade

For those who dream of the results of a wax but fancy having a go at DIY, for example the amateur pornstar before his “big break”. Perfect for them as the best results only last for a few days before it grows into rough stubble.


  • Cheap and cheerful
  • Oddly satisfying


  • Everyone will think you have crabs as you’ll be scratching away non stop for a few days
  • Stubble is less attractive than a neat hedge


The Lawnmower


Trimmers are aimed at the sexual deviant who wants to try out new hairstyles such as the landing strip, the inverted landing strip or the short back and sides, long on top. These types tend to be willing to invest in the best trimmers on the market.


  • Extremely flair
  • Turn a chore into a hobby


  • A small chance that it isn’t sexy to some girls, but don’t listen to them, they don’t know fashion
  • Usually a short battery life, someone told me…


The Veet Cream

Always read the label

These are the kind of guys who are suckers for ads. The hair is on, the hair is off! Seems like an absolute dream, until you try it. Read the amazon reviews here.


  • You’re open minded for trying something new, well done
  • Minimal effort
  • It smells like shit and feels like “sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back, then using the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion.”
  • Inefficient – patches of hair left over every bloody time.


The Combine Harvester

Looking for a device which literally wrenches out your hairs from the root? Enter the epilator, a machine so painful you’ll need a local anaesthetic to use it on yourself.


  • Very long lasting results
  • One-off purchase


  • Even more painful than waxing.
  • Your manhood will look like you just emerged naked from the North Sea


The Laser

Though it may frighten your grandchildren in the future, the prospect of a near-permanent pube design is mouth-watering. This is for the masters, who are ready to fully commit to the craft.


  • Quick: takes two to three minutes
  • Relatively painless.


  • Pricey, averaging about £350
  • Requires multiple treatments