Tom Morgan: It’s possible to enjoy the Super Bowl if you don’t like American Football

American Football, or Shit Rugby, to give it a more apt title, has been slowly encroaching on British culture for several decades now. Like Krispy Kreme and Skrillex, it is an American export that has unfortunately found a foothold on this side of the pond. The né plus ultra of Football (i’ll drop the ‘American’ from here on) is the Superbowl final, this year featuring the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers and held in the Levi’s Stadium in San Francisco. Not that I give two shits about any of this.

If it wasn’t apparent already, I don’t ‘get’ Football in the slightest. It’s dull as fuck, lacks any sort of rhythm or momentum and watching it seems to mainly involve putting up with adverts for crap American T.V. shows every thirty seconds. But, I do like drinking, and it seems lots of people I know are ardent Shit Rugby fans, so contrary to common sense, I’m really looking forward to the Superbowl.

Because, here’s the main (admittedly prosaic) tip; drinking and the Superbowl go hand in hand. Obviously every sports final is a boozy catch-22, where if your team wins you get wrecked and if your team looses you get even more wrecked, but because this is America they take it to the extreme. Seriously, if the wasn’t for the all of the obnoxious yanks present, how much fun does a tailgate party look? Ostentatious barbecuing is one of their finest gifts to the world, as is the beer bong, so fire them up for the big occasion.

7^th February is the first day of the Six Nations. In Wales, aside from the Euro’s (which we might actually have a chance in) these are our most important few weekends of the next two years. Literally, if we made it to the final and on that day there was a referendum on whether or not to change the name of Newport to Wankton-Upon-Usk it would get a lower turn out than Jimmy Saville’s funeral. David Bowie could have resurrected and be playing a one-night only show in the Motorpoint Arena and we’d only give half a shit if Leigh Halfpenny mentioned he’d be attending. The Wales-Ireland game is on earlier in the afternoon so if you’re Welsh you’ve got a pretty solid excuse to pre-drink, although there is about twelve hours in between, so, pacing yourself is key.

It’s actually quite difficult to think of many more methods to enhance your Super Bowl experience that don’t involve getting hammered. I guess you could try playing some Madden to get a firmer grasp of the rules? In fact, given the lack of advertising and more fluid pace of play, watching people play Madden is usually more exciting than a real Football game. Maybe you could get hyped for the half-time show by banging on some Coldplay? Alright, I’m really running out of ideas now.

Whatever, oil up the pickup, crack open a Coors and wear your Trump For Pres cap with pride (please don’t), Sunday 7^th is gonna be a late one.