Cambridge Must Fall

Following the example of Rhodes Must Fall, The Tab asks what should fall in Cambridge?

Fez

Must surely fall before an army of wavey garm cladded hipsters take over Cambridge.

If this dystopian nightmare occurs, ‘popular’ music would be banned within the city walls, to be replaced with loudspeakers extolling the virtues of Tame Impala and Latvian House music, with the non-use of vinyl punishable on pain of being forced to listen to 101 tales of gap year wisdom from Africa/South America/Southeast Asia.

Pilgrimages to Bristol, East London, and Manchester for the most dedicated are arranged, if they dare to venture that far away from Kent.

Queens’

This symbol of monarchical reactionary power is thankfully already ‘falling’ into the Cam.

To be replaced with a more democratic Student Soviet?

Viva la revolucion! #CambridgeMustFall

Eduroam

Belief in Eduroam keeps falling, much like Eduroam itself…

Despite having one of the best Computer Science departments in the world, it is a shame that the university has still not figured out a way to keep the wi-fi on.

Eduroam on a good day…

Tourists

Wielding Selfie Sticks like Weapons of Mass Destruction on sunny days, its surely only a matter of time before someone succumbs to a fatal tourist-related injury.

This is in addition to consistently abusing the privacy rights of bins, lampposts and even students by taking pictures of them while doing exciting activities such as walking over a bridge or collecting the washing.

Furthermore, their purchase of fish and chips/tea/union jack souvenirs are the most obvious examples of cultural appropriation in the whole of East Anglia.

Slow walkers who take up entire pavements

Inconsiderate individuals who do not understand pavement etiquette must fall for the greater good. Every student knows the pain of being stuck behind a pavement-hogging couple or family.

*Tourists are also applicable here

The Corpus Clock

This clock is a classic example of cis middle/upper-class metallic Grasshopper privilege, and therefore must be torn down.

Protests against the evil clock have been arranged with campaigners, suggesting that the fall of the clock will lead to a rise in the representation of Crickets and Locusts within the university.

The clock’s delusions of grandeur are offensive to plain traditional analogue or digital clocks. Indeed, the clock is especially threatening to young and easily influenced time-keeping devices who could feel pressured into looking like Corpus.

De-copporize your clocks/education

Professional Punters

These capitalists of the Cam need to be knocked off their wooden platforms to prevent them from exploiting proletariat puntees.

Ludicrous concepts such as freedom of speech cannot be used to defend the hate speech of these punters, whose knowledge of the history of Cambridge is nothing but lies and deceptions to justify the patriarchy.

The means of punt-duction must be seized from their hands

UL

This Tower of Doom resembling a cross between a Concentration Camp and a Victorian Workhouse has blighted the landscape of Cambridge for too long. More attractive learning environments could include a multitude of primary school ‘mobiles’ or a crumbling 1960s Tower Block.

With its fall, books untouched and unloved for many years could find a new home in an ARU library or in the hands of a scientist who has not seen such a object before.

The Tab

A burning of copies should be advocated but unfortunately this would need people to print out webpages, which is far too much effort for anyone. Instead we encourage all students grab their nearest copy of TCS, which is, presumably, in the nearest bin.

An artist’s representation of the fate of The Tab #meta

This isn’t even the half of it.