RAG Blind Date: The Dos and Don’ts
We explain how to get your RAG date to touch you on the rump, and much more…
One last spray of Joop! Jump onto your gooch for good measure. That bottle of College White hasn’t stilled any of your nerves, and you are one more worry-shart away from complete rectal prolapse.
Yes, your RAG blind date form may have been covered with carefully inked Percies, with ‘swallows’ as your prized date criterion, yet deep down you’re looking for more. Someone to kiss you on the lips, or touch your boobs under your puffa jacket. Someone, maybe, to feed you Revels one by one, carefully discarding orange and coffee whilst telling you it’ll all be alright.
Stick to the following advice and fully exploit your one night of being ‘the charity case’.
1) Lay your cards on the table.
While the conventional advice might be to hold them close to your chest, you’ve got to understand that Jane Austen characters make much less compelling dates than the kind of people appearing on Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents. Declaring your admiration for your date’s well-aligned teeth is a flattering compliment, particularly if they are a dentist, although it is not a good idea to kick off by telling them that you got the handwriting on their form analysed by a marital compatibility expert. The trick is not to modify any friendly compliments on their personality or appearance with phrases such as, ‘just like my Mummy’, or ‘bigger than I have ever touched’.
2) Draw them a picture.
This is so nice. A few tips: boys generally like incredibly detailed anatomical diagrams of genitals; girls like flowers and fairy castles. So why not mix it up? Show her you’re different, and knock her sideways with a carefully rendered reproduction of a scrotum (not your own). Ladies, get cracking on Cinderella’s chariot. Glitter Glue is like a carrot to an ass when it comes to men. You bear that in mind.
3) Injure your date.
It’s important to get this right. Strangulation in Giraffe is frowned upon within normal society. Brand her gently with the tealight, however, and she will be forever yours.
1) Get pregnant.
This would be such a big mistake! Did you know that pregnancy may lead to weight-gain, breast enhancement, and even childbirth? If you really need to do a sex on your blind date, then remember these golden rules: keep your eyes open (it’s great to honour a theme, but it is polite to take a peek at your partner from time to time), less is never more, and wrap your winkle thoroughly in his latex onesie before you commence the dance of desire.
2) Use cutlery as a vehicle for flirty titillation, even if Hollywood says so.
Mary-Kate and her sibling Ashley were often wooed by men who seemed miraculously versed in the art of dangling a fork from a poised hand whilst talking gruffly with their eyebrows. The sexual weight carried by such a gesture is undeniable, yet requires weeks of perfection, impeccable mood lighting and sterilized silver wear. Attempts at this in the Mahal will only make you look slightly Sweeney Todd. Or Uri Geller.
3) Don’t dumb down your geography.
‘Is Asia a county in Africa?’ is only sexy in year 7. And it was only sexy in year 7 because that sentence evokes simultaneous images of Shilpa Shetty and Shakira Ripoll.
What’s that? Your date left while you were at the urinal? Oh well. This can only mean you are not very good looking, or that you can’t draw princess transport very successfully.
We probably wouldn’t go out with you either. And we have really low standards.