A girls’ night out – from a guy’s perspective

Every boy has been there. You set up a night out with your mate, usually a close friend, where it’s just you two and a couple of your girl mates.

Then, unexpectedly, he bails. Sometimes for genuine life or death scenarios, other times because he is simply just being lazy. You can’t bail too though… the girls simply would not allow it.

You’ll be cockblocked for the rest of your university experience if you so much as think of picking up that phone to text them saying: “Sorry, my carpet needs shampooing.”

Anyway, you’re about to be taken on a magical journey, one that all men must face at some point in their lives. You are about to experience a girls’ night out.

Preparation

For the love of god do not question the amount of time they take to get ready. This is not actually a “getting ready” experience. This is hallowed time.

This is time spent talking and socialising, not to you I might add. You’re not really invited to this part…you’re just there.

Don’t interrupt them, don’t moan about being late, don’t you dare try and rush them because god damn it man you just don’t understand. Sit there quietly, laugh with them without being weird, and shut up.

Note: Accept the fact that pre-drinks may be delayed by girls not being out of bed at the designated time. Add 45 mins to the expected start time. Also, order taxis for ten mins after what they say. It’s for their own good. They’re already raising man’s stress levels you know.

Drinking

I swear to god I have no idea how most of my female friends are still alive. I’m not going to say that boys handle their drink better, because it’s mostly down to the individual, but I’ve never seen a boy twerking in ocean with his boobs out (even though it’s entirely plausible and probably inevitable).

Tears…always tears

Someone always cries. Why? Why does someone always cry? I swear to god that you’ll start crying for no reason, then invent a reason, then spin that reason out of control to involve every single human being inside that club. Not all girls…obviously…but it’s just so bloody annoying.

Also, god forbid we try to help you. You turn into fire breathing dragons, intent on being as mean as possible.

I know boys can be dicks sometimes, but honestly, teary girls honestly say some of the most hateful and personal shit I’ve ever heard: make-you-want-to-go-home-and-eat-a-tub-of-ice-cream kind of personal.

Fuck you.

Reasons for tears: Another girl, an ex, a boy, another boy and, quite possibly, another boy.

Someone gets lost

Why does someone always get lost? I’m going to start attaching GPS to you lot because honestly there is no logical reason for the route you girls take to go to the bathroom…or get home.

It’s like a god damn Ocean bermuda triangle. I don’t say ‘good night’ or put you in the taxi for you to ring me five minutes later telling me you’ve just made it to Newquay. How? Fucking how?

Attack of the creepers

This is definitely the most striking when you first experience it. You don’t realise how bloody weird some boys are until you spend a good couple of hours swatting them off from all angles.

However, lads can be far too eager and it’s only when you’re ‘creeper bashing’ you realise the sheer numbers that creep forward out of the shadows. It’s like an orc raiding party, only, more sweaty and unattractive.

Photos

You take so many photos and I don’t understand why. At the beginning of the night, fair play. You all look mint and dressed up, make up has been delicately applied and everyone feels down right special.

So why the fuck do some girls take photos when you’re all covered in sweat, your eyelashes are stuck to your chin and one of your mates has been sick on your shoes?

It’s also weird that you take photos of yourselves in a toilet cubicle. A little part of me dies every time I see a ‘toilet cubicle’ picture. Remember that.

The pilgrimage home

I use the word pilgrimage because, by this point, that’s what it is. The journey home is of spiritual significance and all we want to do is curl up in bed and go to sleep. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING SO COMPLICATED?

A simple journey home in a taxi is thwarted by one girl suddenly screaming “I want cheesy chips”.

If the message is not well received, a second, more violent, declaration will be made. If all fails, there will be an attempt to leave the moving vehicle, regardless of velocity, thus ending your taxi journey and requiring you to walk the rest of the way home…but at least the girls have a cheesy snack to consume.

Another thing, there is absolutely no point in mentioning the words ‘’healthy’’ and ‘’diet’’ during the day if, by night, you consume your bodyweight in kebab meat and cheesy chips. Real talk.

I appreciate this article is one very large stereotype, but please take it in good faith. Boys have their own special little behaviours and I shall surely write an article on our tendencies in the near future.

If that doesn’t appeal to you, or if you are offended by my light hearted jesting, leave a comment below. I shall be sure to pay it absolutely no attention whatsoever. Have a nice day.