What your ski resort says about you

Most people get sad in the winter and can’t help but complain about the lack of sun when it starts getting dark at 4pm. They’ll pretend that Seasonal Affective Disorder is a thing and they’ll hibernate like bears. But not you. You’re a seasoned powder lover but you’re not all the same. Some go for the après, some go for the moguls – and some go because daddy’s paying.

Aspen

Aspen is the only place you can wear your Canada Goose and feel normal.The skiing is horrendous and you drive hours in between mountains to try and get the best value out of your extortionate lift pass, but you’re not bothered. You can get a great insta from the top of Buttermilk and everyone will know how rich you are. People back home think Aspen is amazing and that’s all that counts, but you know – deep down – there’s a reason why the locals go to Breckenridge.

Vail

You’re preppy af, the bowls in blue sky basin match that hair cut your Mum made you get on your first day of private school. Teddy and the gang are out in full force, but you never go and get that drunk because it’s all on daddy’s card. You can’t drink until you’re 21 so you’ll go out for an early dinner with the family and sneakily drink some wine, then you’ll have some Bailey’s in your ski in/ski out chalet in front of the fire and go to bed unfulfilled and alone.

Val Thorens

You’ve probably chosen the highest resort in Europe so that you get maximum benefit from the altitude when you head to après or on a night out. They say that it’s the equivalent of a glass of wine and you’re here to party. You don’t mind the frequent, blinding blizzards because they block out the affordable hotels in the town, that are all equal in eyesore capacity, and you can clock of early and head to La Folie Douce or Bar 360 for après. You can always head to Méribel or Courchevel if you’re a pro skier, but most people are just here to party.

Of course you dress up

Courchevel

This is prestige skiing. You’re here to splash some cash, probably on Daddy’s credit card, amongst wealthy Parisians and Russians alike. The resort has more deluxe hotels than any city in France, other than Paris, and Michelin star restaurants dotted all around to help facilitate your spending. You’ll no doubt head to the spa in the afternoons, because those few hours on the slopes really took it out of you. Do make sure you Instagram and snapchat loads so everyone back home can get a taste of this ski experience.

Whistler

You always dreamed of doing a season here, but never quite had the balls to give up the promising job in the city to do it. Plus Mum would’ve killed you. You like to think of yourself as slightly edgy for coming here but really Whistler a toff’s paradise, just without the champagne quaffing Russians of Verbier. Plus it’s further away, it really feels like you’re going on a real journey just by flying an extra four hours. Guess what? You’re not on a gap year now Emily – your chance is gone. Stop looking at all the seasonaires enjoying themselves and get on with your life.

Did you buy that Kokanee with your own money or mum’s?

Lake Louise

Hugh is so straight edge it hurts. Hugh still wears a one piece. Hugh still has the same pair of thermals from when he was 16. Hugh is still scared of wetting the bed after too many hot chocolates. With a lengthy bus journey to and from the slope, early rises are nothing to him. Après? What’s that? I’m just here to ski with my knees stuck together and complain about snowboarders.

Andorra

Oi oooooi. The squad is hitting the slopes! Lads on tour takes a wintry turn this year as Dirty Mike and the boys pile into a three bed flat. Seven blokes, one bathroom and lots of injuries, boot room tantrums, nudity and cheap French beer. The locals will scowl, but like Malia, the custom of these slightly reprehensible characters is their lifeblood. None of them have been on snow before, apart from Tommy who went to private school, but the boys will all try snowboarding and sprain their wrists by day two. God speed boys, everyone here hates you.

Boys boys boys

Anywhere in Italy

You’ve always been a bit different: not in a cool, edgy way, but a weird, slightly questionable way. You’re the kind of person who orders a fillet-o-fish in MacDonalds when everyone else orders a cheeseburger, who buys a sleeveless Canada Goose and only drink ale. You probably study Geology. You love telling people you go skiing in Italy because they never realise you can, but they don’t care because Italy is shit and they’d rather go to Folie.

Avoriaz

You’ve probably browsed all the piste statistics and decided that Avoriaz is just the place for you. Les Portes du Soleil – the doors to the sun, potentially the doors to heaven – do you know how many miles you can rack up on Ski Tracks? You love skiing and you pretend you love après but you don’t, the only white stuff you’re in to is powdered snow. From Avoriaz you can tell all your mates you did all the cool stuff and got pissed every night, but if this were really the case you’d have gone to Morzine – you’re not kidding anyone.

Japan

You’re the maverick, intrepid explorer who subscribes to White Lines magazine. You’re head of the snowsports society, owned your skis aged 14 and spent weekends on the dry slope till uni. This is your life, all captured on your go pro. The summer is spent on trampolines learning how to flip in different ways. Every day at the gym is leg day. Snow is your religion. And Japan is your new altar. Unchartered territory as far as you can see. And here, you might be able to make your contacts to take you to the brand new man made ski resort in the sunny climes of Pyongyang.

Life in fisheye

Val d’Isère

Val d’Isère is a playground for the posh kids and you’re proud to fit right in. The grey fur trim on your coat’s hood is real coyote fur and blends brilliantly in with the white snow and pretentiousness of the slopes. You know what you like and you like what you know which is why you’ve been coming to Val d’Isère every year since you were three. You learnt to ski there and you’ve never skied anywhere else yet you’re certain it’s the best resort in the world; you don’t care that the Folie in Val Thorens is better, Val d’Isère just is better and you won’t hear anything to the contrary.

Tignes

You loathe the pretentious pricks from Val’Despair who spend double the amount of money to ski in exactly the same place. You’re intelligent though, you know that Tignes is the perfect place for a profile picture hunt because you can afford a balcony with a view that you couldn’t next door. You’ll strip off and get a cliched picture overlooking the alps, desperately trying not to shiver in the freezing cold before your awkward mate takes the picture. You’ll finally get dressed and hit the slopes, only to fall over, end up at Folie Deuce nursing your wounds.

At least 100 likes

Kitzbühel

You’re still stuck in the same ski suit you’ve had since you were 14. Not out of necessity, but out of choice. You like the fit of your greying O’Neill jacket and trousers. So what if there’s a big stain? You spend most nights in a decaying apartment hotel eating fondue while watching the seventh repeat of the cross country skiing . Not even cheese fondue or chocolate fondue – just raw meat boiled in oil. Your socks could practically walk to the washing machine when you get home and it’s about time you washed your hair.

Verbier

Verbs it’s just so fab. Millie and the girls did a ski season here before uni and you just can’t stop yourself from coming back to hit the slopes. Verbs is your spiritual home, and you know it, that’s why you bring your friend Sarah here in the summer for a spa holiday. You know it’s spenny, but it’s all an investment because one of these days Javier, the millionaire picked up at Farm Club, will take you in his big Swiss arms and ask for your hand in marriage. Dream on.

La Rosière

“Après-ski? Oh yes, Francais, for after ski. Well Papa and I occasionally have un biere after our eight hour days on the slopes, but usually it’s back to the chalet for freshly baked banana bread and hot chocolate, before a leg soak in the hot tub and a family stretching session.” The chalet girl here actually really fancies Tom, but Tom is oblivious because he’s only a family holiday with Ma and Pa, and little Sophie. The days start early, nights end young, after the daily game of charades, of course.