We rated 15 horses racing at Blinkers based entirely on their names

P.S. the real race is for the bus at the end

It’s that time of year again – Blinkers Student Racenight is here to give us some last minute cheer before the sobering reality of the first semester exam season sinks in.

Some of us are here to win a few quid with a well-placed bet, some of us have absolutely no idea how horse racing works, but are happy to be here all the same.

If you’re like me, this is a peak opportunity to dress up in your rarely-worn fancy clothes, get a little bit tipsy, and to lose any bragging rights on your ability to master the bucking bronco ride.

Forecast? Handicap? Wagers? These words mean nothing to me. If the horse has a cool name, I want it to win.

So here are 15 horses I would put my money on to win based solely on their names:

15. Skilled Warrior

6.5/10 – You’re not going to name your horse ‘Skilled Warrior’ if he’s the last one to realize the gates are open, right? A solid name. An alias I would also absolutely use for Total Wipeout (RIP).

14. Circoloco

7/10 – Can’t lie, I thought this was the next big event at Tup-Tup. Or am I thinking of that bar near St James’ Park? Anyway, she seems like a quirky lass.

13. Deep Thoughts

5/10 – A very majestic name, perhaps little bit serious. Still trying to figure out if this applies to the horse or the jockey? A strong contender but she might get distracted during the race…

12. Doom

 9/10- Who wouldn’t be absolutely terrified with a horse literally called ‘Doom’ chasing after you?

11. Hurt You Never

6.5/10 – Very romantic! It sounds like a Robbie Williams song your Dad likes to play in the car.

10. Bringitonboris

4.5/10 – Bit late for that.

9. Agilulf

3/10 – “So where did you go over the summer?” “Rah, me and the girls went to Agilulf it was ah-may-zing, wanna see the photos?” It’s giving pret-a-manger subscription vibes.

8.Tilly The Filly

8/10 – Self descriptive and simple. She knows exactly who she is and what she’s here for. No messing about with this one.

7. Graph

1/10 – In the true spirit of pettiness, a name that I would put money on to lose. I think anybody who’s had a horrible experience with Microsoft Excel would agree. Sorry, Graph.

6. The Dancing Poet

2/10 – I would pay just to see how janky this horse walks to be honest. It’s okay, Dancing Poet, I know you’d rather be at home munching on some grass right now.

5. Sharrabang

8.5/10 – Funky! I don’t know why, but ‘Sharrabang’ just sounds super-speedy. Or a like very good surface cleaner. Either way, a lively spirit.

4. Wild Lion

7.5/10 – We’ve all met that one lad from the sports socials who claims to have a nickname like this. Do we believe him? We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

3. Luciabelle

5/10 – I’m getting the vibe of the contestant *nearly* booted off RuPaul’s Drag Race every week- quietly doing the most, ‘Luciabelle’ is our underdog here- yes, she might have a fancy name, but let’s not discredit her too quickly!

2. Amaysmont

9.5/10 – The WINNER of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Such swagger. Such audacity. You’ve got to cause a bit of ‘Amaysmont’ to spell it like that, after all. Amaysmont, take my money.

1. Wee Fat Mac

11/10 – Oh my gosh. What an absolute little gem. Does anyone else just imagine the most rotund little seaside pony when they think of this name? Absolutely obsessed. Not only would I put my money on Wee Fat Mac but I shall be finding some way to fit him into my accommodation without the NEIGHbours noticing.

@Blinkers is back tomorrow, 7th October, see you there.

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