Eight things we’re expecting when clubs re-open in Newcastle this summer

We know what we’ll be saving our student loan for…

From cuddles with bouncers to all-night benders, with the clubs set to re-open this June, here’s what we’re expecting from Newcastle nightlife post-Covid.

Covid carnage

We called it. You can guarantee half of Newcastle’s NHS will be out in full swing to nurse every man and their dog out in the Toon this June. With freshers finally having the chance to taste their first Newcastle night out, the excitement of three trebs will prove to be too much for many. Silly fresher.

Cheesy chat up lines

These boys have been storing these gems for most of the past year, be prepared ladies. You’ll be guaranteed to hear a few Covid one-liners: “You can’t spell virus without U and I”. Calling all members of Newcastle’s rugby society here – leave it out. We’re not going to shag you anyway, we’re in a pandemic (duh).

No tongue-snogging!

Can we keep deep throating sweaty strangers in the middle of the dance floor in 2020? Did it really take a pandemic for us to realise that sloppy stranger snogs should not be the highlight of a night out? That two-metre distance will be set to stay. No more sweaty arms flung around your neck to Mr Brightside at the end of the night – flirt with me through my mask instead.

Sharing cigs with strangers

Come on, Covid, people! When and why was this ever a thing? Whilst the smoking area is the backbone for many of Newcastle’s clubs, we really don’t need to be sharing tabs with the girls we met in the toilets ten minutes ago. Covid or no Covid, this goes for minesweeping too, no matter how low that loan gets, we are never ever going to be stealing drinks ever again.

Rammed clubs

If you thought Soho was rammed before Covid, you’re in for a shock. Let’s leave this breeding site in the past? It’s really not that good – there are over 200 drinking establishments in Newcastle, so why do you still end up there at the end of every night? Liking Soho is not a personality trait. Some creativity this summer, please.

“Are we too old to be here?”

You’ll definitely find yourself asking this question if you’re 20 or above. Expect the freshers out in full force, alongside a load of 18-year-olds. Apparently, this summer is freshers for first-year students? They’ve got a full two years left yet! Absolutely not, go home.

Stag and hen dos

You can just guarantee the stag and hen dos will be out this June. If you’ve missed 40-year-old Steve joining your girl gang for a boogie in Flares, don’t stress, he’ll be back (along with a million more of them with some serious dad dancing). Someone send them back to Pop World.

Lots of spilling drinks

We’ve spent the last four months planning this showstopper for hot girl summer, just for some over-excited student to ruin it. My new Oh Polly dress does not want your blue treb down the front. For anyone who feels the need to jump and drench the rest of us just trying to have a good time, don’t even think about coming out this summer – you’re not invited.

Yet as every day brings us closer to June, the only thing we’ll really expecting will be booze, boogies and all-night benders. Be prepared to belt out Murder on the Dancefloor and down anything and everything in sight as we get ready to party like never before! See ya in 95 days.

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