The ultimate gift guide for any future Jesmond boy this Christmas

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3 years ago

To any other uni students eye, a Jesmond boy may not be noteworthy of a gift guide entirely dedicated to them, but somehow, we manage to create a certain type of student that sets us apart from any other uni. Forget your Manny boys or your Leeds boys, 2020 is the year of the Jesmond boy. Some may call them rahs, and let’s face it, 70 per cent of them absolutely fit this category. But follow this guide closely, and I will make sure you look just the part for your house viewing on Manor House come January.

A cricket set

I actually cannot count how many times I’ve walked along the back lanes of Jesmond this lockdown to almost being wiped out by a bloke with a mullet practising his cricket swings, using recycling bins as stumps. Future Jesmond boys, please try harder – a cricket set will literally only cost you a tenner at Sports Direct.

A membership to the shooting team

If you didn’t already know the entire team of these boys from whatever private school you went to, you’re most definitely going to find the ultimate Jesmond boys with a membership to the shooting team. I’m pretty sure they even customise a Schoffel for you with the uni logo on it – the girls of Jesmond will fall for you in no time.

Via @ncl_shootingclub on Instagram

A pair of hair clippers

One word, mullet.

A Schoffel

If the Clay Pigeon team isn’t for you, do not worry, your average Schoffel will do. I literally had to Google what one of these was when I first came to uni, but trust me, they will become a part of your daily attire. Even better to bring it out at your next housey so the other boys know they’re with like-minded people. If you’re lucky, you might even make the cut on the Schoffel spotting Insta page.

A North Face puffer

I couldn’t not feature this in the male gift guide, they’re just all over Jesmond – sorry ’bout it.

Vintage sweatshirts

Any kind of vintage sweatshirt will do, but make sure you wear it under your North Face on an October night out at Blanc and you’ll fit in like a glove. Also a perfect choice for when your house inevitably do a day trip to Jesmond Dene even though at least two of you are definitely on a comedown. Bonus points if it’s a Ralph Lauren 1/4 zip found on Depop.

Some type of sports team athleisure

The more tenuous the link to the team the better. We get it Jonte, you’re on the uni third team for rugby, and now the whole of Tesco knows thanks to your sliders with your surname on and your tracksuit pants with your team’s division on, classic.

A classic film poster

For some decorative tips for your new Jesmond house, we recommend some kind of print of your favourite movie, possibly A3 size. For some reason, it always seems to be Pulp Fiction that these boys go for, so maybe go for that or stand out from the crowd. Let’s face it, it’s probably gonna be another Tarantino film, maybe Kill Bill? These Jesmond houses aren’t going to glow up alone, and since a nice set of curtain fairy lights aren’t quite the vibe you might go for, this will definitely ensure all pres pics are taken in your room.

A gift card for something quintessentially Jesmond

We recommend Harry’s Hot Tubs; let’s support some local Newcastle students after all. Your house will literally be mint and look straight out of an episode of Love Island. Who are you going to pull for a chat by the fire pit?

Promote for StageOne

StageOneEvents is the only promotion company any boy in Jesmond would dare work for. God forbid you’d ever promote for *heave* Loosedays *heave*. There is some kind of exception if you promote for a club night that takes place in Grey’s or Think Tank. You’ll be gold dust to everyone in Jesmond, and your phone number will be thrown around like wildfire on a Thursday and Friday when Swingers and Feral are on, all the best.

Jesmond boys, we’ve got your back. We hope that this gift guide single-handedly allows for you to fit in like a dream when you turn up to your house come September with all of the above. There’s no need to thank us.

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