Campus essential locations guide
Where to sleep, pull and have sex
While you’ve all been having a boozy week frolicking around the Toon once more, we’ve been patrolling campus looking for some great places for you to carry on the fun, and some more serious snoozing locations for the rest of the year.
Where to pull
Wait outside, then spot the lonely innocent but very attractive fresher who wants some company. You may start a budding friendship, or end up married.
The courtyard outside the SU: Full of modern statues and seats to examine your prey as they walk past. If it’s not full of RAH’s at lunch time you are guaranteed to pull, particularly if you capture someone staggering back from a night out at the early hours of the morning.
Library: Simple but effective (sorry to talk about work this early into term). If you’re a fresher you will soon hear about the library romances in revision period, especially since even the dullest 5/10 will become a good eight when the delirious revision goggles come out after reading five chapters of a journal on effectively nothing.
Best places to have sex on campus
So now you’ve found your partner to carry out this daring deed with. Now you need to find a spot, risky yet thrilling, to get down to it on campus.
The Unisex SU toilets: Especially on a club night, you can be as loud and close to people as you want, the perfect pad to pull. Chemical Engineering student Ellie said: “I’m not going to lie, it was the best sex I’ve ever had”. Mind the dirty floors and toilet water though.
Revision pods in the SU: Work and play at the same time. But shh.. remember it is still a quiet area. This is just a truly great, unique spot which is exclusive to Newcastle, whether rain or shine. Get there early though, they’ll soon book out.
Parks: Outdoors, secure, risky but fun. Enough said.
Where to have your hangover poo
Now for some more serious locations, for when you’ve had your fun and need to get down to work. You’ve had a drunken night and made it to your lecture. But oh no, you’re waiting outside and your body decides now is the time to have a hangover poo. Don’t panic, here’s where to go.
Library: Guaranteed within your three years of studying in the Robbo library that you will have drunk enough coffee to last a lifetime, it is inevitable that you will get to a stage of desperation where work is no longer possible. Yes, you will be judged but it will be the relief of your life. (Recommend the group area on the bottom floor, less people go there and there are many fans).
If you are in central campus there is only one location for this. Herschel Building: Originally for Maths, it’s where students flock by the dozens to let their dumps flow. With rows of cubicles, and permanent dryers on, you can guarantee there will be some background noise so the “plop” cannot be heard. You can also guarantee someone else will be getting up to the same antics as you, therefore you have no issues blaming the smell on that girl who’s been in her cubicle for 10 minutes and comes out blushing.
Maths second year Melissa testifies: “If i ever need a poo on campus this is the place to go. Although once i was looking for a free cubicle and the door swung open on someone pooing”.
If you are outside campus in the middle of a uni day, it’s guaranteed you or a friend will need an eat4less: The new place for students to gather after leaving a lecture half way through. There is no better feeling than going down the stairs for a cheeky poo knowing your friends are enjoying their 99p baguettes above your head none the wiser.
Where to have a nap on campus
Now for something you can’t even control. The student lifestyle requires at least one nap a day.
Lectures are the best place to nap: With a ramped seating area, spongy seats and 150 other snoozers, its impossible to get picked out from the crowd. Just watch out for an unramped theatre and stay away from the first three rows.
“The big squishy seat on the third floor of the SU”: Says and anonymous English second year snooze expert. If you can get a seat, take it. Its worth the wait though, very comfy and no one will judge.
In a seminar if you’re sneaky about it: When we say sneaky, we mean very sneaky, i.e. keep your eyes open, keep your mind thinking about the debate and an ear open for your name. Basically do not nap in a seminar or you’ll regret it.
English Lit student Oli says: “I’ve been caught asleep in a seminar before and it was pretty embarrassing. I woke up to my tutor’s piercing tones, asking me, ‘Oli have you actually just fallen asleep in my seminar’. Not a great moment.”