The Guild shop barriers are the new gates to hell

When we arrived for the new academic year, a world of opportunity was open to us. But the new Guild Shop barriers have stopped us in our metaphorical tracks.

About as convenient as the distance between the SJ and Greggs at lunchtime, these barriers are designed to mean you can only enter from the inside through two specific doors and exit through the one by the till.  The instalment of these path blockers is an ironic step for a shop that supposedly exists for students’ convenience.  

Home of tyranny

The original intent of these evil gates of hell was to deter thieves, encouraging people to leave under the eyes of the staff. Yet the Guild fails to recognise that if someone is willing to break the law, they’re not going to give a shit about walking in the wrong direction.

No escape

The Guild disappoints me on a daily basis with their capitalist coffee, their Courtyard burrito inflation, or their meal deal prices that require you to sacrifice a kidney – but for us law-abiding citizens, this is one step too far.

You’re faced with a choice of sneaking past the Big Brothers at the till, or braving the torturous outdoors in the cold, blistering winds of Liverpool. To avoid the agony of the elements, this new militant system forces us to conform to a one-way path of escape.

The only normal door, leading to the dark wet abyss of ‘pool

The Guild is actively challenging our liberty of free movement around its premises. I shouldn’t have to pass the glaring eyes of the till staff as I leave, making me feel guilty that I didn’t buy anything after staring at the overpriced sweets for 20 minutes. With these barriers, we’re experiencing the beginning of a Big Brother society.

We shouldn’t be turned into faceless sheeple

By law we are all innocent until proven guilty – we shouldn’t be punished with extra exercise for a crime we didn’t commit. I shouldn’t have to make a moderate detour around the Guild just because I want a quick browse at the gel pens.

It’s no coincidence that this new path leads you directly away from the student officers’ drop-in office, to stop you from complaining about this outrageous system. I can see right through you, President Anderson.

The capitalist gates ruined my life

Why were these REALLY built? Does the Guild want to make us exercise more? To restrict our freedoms? Turn us into blind conforming sheeple? This heavy policing of conveyor-belt consumerism is the beginning of a dystopia that is the worst fusion of Huxley and Orwell.

Looking longingly at the outside world, desperate to escape.

If we tolerate this, only more restrictions will follow. It could be a one way system round the Guild, or secret police stalking you to make sure you’ve disposed of your Burrito wrapper in the right recycling bin – before you know it, all your liberties have vanished.

The corruption needs to stop now before it spreads, and these barriers are just the beginning.