I went to a DMU open day to assess the competition

With Varsity in play, I thought it would be a great idea to infiltrate the enemy lines  of De Montfort University to see if they’re really something to be threatened by.

Upon arrival, there was a very welcoming feeling on the campus – probably because of the overwhelming amount of 15 foot welcoming signs. Thank you, DMU, I already feel overpoweringly at home.

A promising turn out

After having my post Shabang! hangover literally blasted out of me by a student singer on stage, it was time to head to the Student Union to check in.

From the outside the SU looked quite impressive and inviting, just like that tequila shot at the O2 does until 15 minutes later you’re on your arse in the toilets chundering while your mate Steph holds your hair back. When we got into the union, it was small, crowded and smelled like BTEC.

I’m a prospective student hehe

Honestly, the food was good. I will give DMU a 10/10 for that. But let’s face it, their chicken and mushroom pie doesn’t beat a sausage and cheese bagel melt, with a side of Nachos and Bubble Tea from our beloved SU diner now does it? Jamie Oliver, eat your healthy heart out.

Where’s my house bad boy cheese burger?

In the welcome pack I got from the keen DMU team, there were coffee vouchers which were “not a bribe” (because a mixture of coffee and water is exactly what it takes to persuade me to put a university at the top of my UCAS choices).

They should take a leaf from Leicester’s bribe handbook – free slices of Domino’s Pizza and sample bottles of Oddka are a sure way to buy a, if not slightly tipsy, student’s application.

Eyebrows sadly not on fleek, soz

The woman who served me my coffee was clearly trying to make the best of a bad situation, as she over-enthusiastically danced to 1D while pouring me my drink. I thought High School Musical was fiction, but the Dance and Drama degrees on offer are actually some of the university’s most credible courses.

The coffee was lukewarm, weak and tasted like a degree in Footwear (an insightful course they run). It was also poured in a cup as optimistic as a future in Contour Fashion. Where’s my Starbucks Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato?

Thank you for my two drops of coffee

The O2 Academy has a special place in my heart, so I was really interested to see what DMU’s student union had to offer, and if it could compete with LetsDisko and Shabang!. Sorry to be a mythbuster, but contrary to what you might have heard, there is no slide in their union.

While pondering the room, a third year student approached me to ask if I needed any help. Explaining my needs to him, he had no issue in guiding us to their “club” floor.

Things began to get awkward when he started to ask what other Uni’s I had looked around, to which I responded: “Oh, just UEA, Leeds and Leicester. But I really didn’t like Leicester that much. I don’t think it was the Uni for me”- chatting BS as I firmly tucked my UoL hoodie into my bag.

A cupboard for 20 ravers

The SU club was incredibly small compared to the beast that is the O2. With there only being two bars, it would take you a life time to quench your thirst for VKs – or a degree in VK tekkers, a course which DMU will probably be running from 2018.

Drawing upon positives, the health and safety of the venue was commendable. That is, the absence of stairs offers a way to enjoy a bruise-less night, elegance and integrity somewhat retained.

Some sick roller discos to be had here

Walking from DMU campus to their accommodation was short and sweet, just like a one night stand you’ll probably regret when your sober mind kicks in – nothing like that appalling 7:50am bus ride down Ratcliffe road to make it in for a 9am.

Well done DMU, your SU and reputation may not be all that, but when it comes to accommodation you’ve nailed it. Their halls made John Foster look like Mary Gee. With a courtyard fit for a BNOC, it even had a cute wooden seating area – a place to chat with your crush after a night out before propositioning them to “come in for a cup of tea”, or a comfortable space to safely pass out after too many Sambucas in Mosh.

Mr Grey

What really impressed me on the accommodation tour was their launderette. While many Leicester freshers sit in John Foster’s cold shed of a laundry room waiting for their vomit-soaked clothes to wash on a Thursday night, DMU students are having the time of their lives with their leather sofas, plasma screen TVs and laundry cards.

Laundry cards, lucky buggers. No need for them to fuss about with their sterling.

Show-offs

So DMU, you may have won on the accommodation front – we’ll give you that. But we still win at everything else.

No hard feelings: see you at varsity.