This is what Heinz and Weetabix REALLY tastes like

Heinzsight is 20/20

3 years ago

We all thought 2021 would be the year that was promised. A shining, incandescent, radiant year, full of the hope and joy that was so conspicuously absent from the flaming double-decker bus crash that was the year prior. A year of vim, vigour, and the unassailable belief that 2021 will be the comeback to end all comebacks. And then Heinz pulled this shit.

Possibly the worst combination since Kayne and Jeffree Star (allegedly), this unholy marriage has been absolutely rinsed by not just the plebians like you and me, but even big companies. Amazon, YouTube, Google, the UK & US Embassies, and even West Yorkshire Police have gleefully joined in on making sure that everybody knows that Heinz and Weetabix is the worst atrocity since The Inbetweeners reunion special. Obviously, the morbid question that springs to mind: is it actually that bad?

If there’s one thing the Lancaster Tab should be known for, it’s 100 per cent commitment to even the most unorthodox of tasks. So I thought: if I’m going to be complicit in what is essentially a war crime, I might as well become the Tony Blair of this Sheetabix of a meal. Instead of just plain beans, I’ve assembled a diverse leguminous trio: BBQ beans, curry beans, and chilli beans.

Just call me Jackie Weaverbix, because I absolutely have the authority to ruin baked beans for myself for the rest of time. Yes, I do hate myself. Without further ado, here is what beans on Weetabix actually tastes like.

Standard

The standard method of eating Weetabix (and yes, I am the authority on this matter now), is a generous serving of milk and a light dusting of sugar, or a squeeze of honey. Maybe scatter a few blueberries or strawberries on top if you’re feeling really middle class. However, if I ate Weetabix and milk, I think I might genuinely get beheaded for treason, so I forewent any toppings or extras and just had warm beans on Weetabix. With a plate of steaming hot beans on now sodden Weetabix in front of me, however, I’m ashamed to admit, I stalled.

It just looked like the kind of meal you’d order on Death Row to make the warden feel bad for you, or if you’ve got nothing more to lose, and you want to go out the Sir Francis Drake of shit food combinations. Eventually, however, I found the courage to do what must be done. My spoon went through the Weetabix like a knife through butter; I dolloped on a healthy helping of beans, I closed my eyes, thought of England, and took the plunge.

First thoughts? Surprise.

Now, I’m not recommending you start trying to make it a TikTok famous recipe, but it honestly wasn’t that bad. I was expecting the first round of Hell’s Kitchen and ended up with the fifth week of Masterchef. At first, your taste buds are smothered with just Weetabix, but then the lovely tomato sauce starts seeping through, and the flavour isn’t totally abhorrent.

If standard beans are a tentative thumbs-up, so what are the others like?

Barbeque

From the perspective of someone who’s never had Heinz Barbeque beans before, I can honestly say I never expected them to be such a triumph. It felt like I was getting a hug through food. They were ever so slightly spicy, smoky, and curiously sweet in a pleasantly surprising way. And then I crunched into the Weetabix.

Plain beans were just about morally acceptable, but these beans… Jesus Christ. No one has ever looked at a Weetabix and thought “You know what this needs? BBQ flavour”, and if anyone has, they probably have the Mrs Brown movie on blu-ray, and are wanted for crimes against humanity. Up to you to decide which one is worse.

Chilli

On their own? Nothing unique per se. They’re just regular beans, but along the Heinz production line, someone tripped, spilt chilli powder into the tins, and tried to style it out as a new product. I imagine some gibbering troglodytes have tried to make chilli con Carne with them, and if you have, I’d like for you to know that if you ever go to Mexico, you’re getting shot.

Mind you, chilli con Carne is about as Mexican as Greggs anyway, so I think we’re all getting some filthy looks from Mexicans wondering what the hell those fruitcake English are doing. This must be what Italians feel like when they watch a Dolmio advert.

Anyway, back on track. Spicy breakfasts are an excellent way to wake yourself up, but in this case? You’re better off staying in bed and suffocating yourself with your duvet.

Curry

More of the same. A monstrosity that left me feeling like I’d finished watching Black Mirror. Not just any Black Mirror either; THAT episode of Black Mirror.

What do 9/10 bean dentists recommend? Listerbean

Final thoughts? Just like Game of Thrones; started fantastically, but trailed off just after halfway and ultimately made me wish I’d never started either just so my feelings wouldn’t be shattered. Yes, I am still bitter about how it ended. As for Weetabix and beans? Plain is nowhere near as bad as the internet would lead you to believe. However, any other bean flavour and you’re better off tearing off the label and eating that with detergent.

You might think I’ve bean too harsh, but you’re not the one who had to have a spicy Weetabix, so, cerealsy, all I have to say is Cheerio to you… I’m the worst human being alive.