I taught sex ed to a bunch of sixth formers

Sex & Relationships Education (SRE) can be dire. I dunno about yours, but mine consisted of pics of weeping chlamydia-ridden genitals, a chat about what to expect when the puberty fairy came a-knockin’, a hands-on condom application and watching a scarring close-up video of a childbirth (in case I ever saw a baby drop out of a woman and thought it was a magic trick?).

Gays? Don’t exist. Consent? Not an issue. Sex being a great time and not just a horrifying one-way ticket to a pus-y pussy and babies bursting out of all the wrong places like warbling chestbursters from Alien? Nahhh.

When the Nicky Morgan generation die off and us exciting enlightened young folk are dictating policy things will change – but I wanted to do something about it sooner (and something that didn’t involve picking off our parents’ generation one-by one like some sort of cross between Charles Whitman and Logan’s Run), so I volunteered to teach SRE in schools.

Would you trust this man to teach your kids?

Gathering outside the Waterstones, me and my compatriots set off with long, purposeful strides towards the school – a band of sexual revolutionaries all fired up on piss and vinegar and ready to take on any comers.

After arriving and going through all the usual school admin stuff, we were led to our classes – there was four classes (two of boys, two of girls), and so I found myself with an all-boy class alongside one of the other girls.

We started by drawing two stick figures boning on the whiteboard. We were supposed to ask the lads whether they thought it was porn or not and when they said yeah, to question their view by adding things such as a cameraman, Viagra and fluffers until the picture was unrecognisable. Our lot said it wasn’t from the start which kind of killed the activity. An inauspicious start.

We then moved onto a game called Planet Porn, where each table was given a bunch of cards with things like “Sex always finishes when the guy cums” and asked to place them in Planet Porn, Planet Earth or somewhere in-between. If that taught me anything, it’s that I feel sorry for the girls of today.

Throughout all of this, the teacher sat with the back table and chuckled away at their suggestions, perhaps reliving the foolishness of his youth.

The penultimate section was about revenge porn and the law, which all of the lads seemed to understand already, which was heartening.

We finished off with a round of anonymous questions from the students. We got one asking “how do you get into the business?”, which I naïvely answered with concerning knowledgeability, much to the consternation of my co-teacher.

It was a good experience, and I recommend doing it if you have any interest in teaching or SRE/are bored.

Most importantly, “I teach sex ed” is a great conversation starter at parties.