Mr Gatward talks: Fresher explains his heinous crimes

Who got the Gat?

It was the greatest scandal of our time, when Deputy Dean Andrew Lucas accidentally CC’d the entire undergrad cohort of the university into a private disciplinary exchange between himself and a student.

Once the hilarious Yaks and Facebook banter died down, however, people were left with but one question: just who IS this mysterious Mr Gatward? Today The Tab, internationally-respected organ of student journalism that it is, can exclusively reveal not just his identity, but also his heinous crimes.

David Gatward, 19, studies Ecology and Conservation and is currently first year, but has been stealthily skulking through the halls of Lancaster University since last year, having intercalated after a year of Biological Sciences. He was born in Felbridge in the Southeast, but has lived most of his life in Spain, where he has presumably left a trail of destruction and misery in his wake.

Leader, visionary, anarchist

Leader, visionary, anarchist

When asked to recount his devious acts, he says he “invited a few strangers over”, and it all spiralled out of control from there.

“Next thing I know I’m walking out the A&E and when I get back I find they trashed the place. The report I heard is I was on the floor outside Bookwells. I’ve still got blood on my chin and hands from falling over.”

The Gat is also considering a career in modelling

The Gat (as he is known by friends) is also considering a career in modelling

Hazy, confusing, enigmatic. Just like the man himself. “I was taken away to the A&E from there. But pretty much like all I remember is walking out of the A&E and coming back. It’s still hazy as fuck before that happened.

David’s friend Environmental Science student Oli, 18, said: “It was mad – I’ve never seen anyone that fucked in my life.”

When not raising hell, 'the Gat' (as he is known to his friends) enjoys boxing and long walks on the beach

When not raising hell, the Gat enjoys boxing and long walks on the beach

Of the damage inflicted upon his poor, innocent flat, he said “basically some alcohol, about £30 worth, got stolen and some fridge got wrecked by just throwing food around in there, I imagine. They spilt some crap flour shit on the floor.”

Responses were mixed. Marketing second year Thea said that the night, whilst messy, did sound like “a great laugh”, while Economics postgrad Bethan said it was “irresponsible”.

When asked what his future plans were, the Gat said “I‘m thinking of starting a “Team Fortress 2″ lobby with this popularity” and asked if we could publicise his Steam account. Sure thing, pal.