48 things you should under no circumstances do at Cardiff University
Drop out if you’ve done three of these, you reprobate
You've managed to scrape your way into a Russell Group university. Not good enough for Exeter, frankly never going to be good enough for Durham, but good enough for little old Wales.
You will proudly leave Cardiff after three years armed with a semi-useful degree and two words of the Welsh language under your belt, but you will feel a deep sense of shame which will never, ever escape you if you do any one of the following 48 things during your time here:
1. Argue you’re “not posh” even though you live in Taly Gate
Your mum and dad are giving you 50 quid a week and you have a double barrel surname.
2. Find yourself stuck in the Live Lounge smoking area when Mr Brightside comes on
It’s like being in a KFC when your first child is born.
3. Think you’ve got time to go diagonally across the Hoffi Coffi crossroads at anything less than a full sprint
The green man doth not hang around, my flattened friends.
4. Not specifying where you want your taxi to pick you up from in Taly
You live in Court but it’s waiting by the Taly Social in between North and South and he’s refusing to come back over.
5. Leave your big Lidl shop til 5pm on any weeknight
You’re part of the problem with your 15 packets of chicken breast.
6. Shop at anywhere other than Lidl when living in Cathays
You’re a mug if you do your weekly shop at Tesco on Cathays Terrace or Sainsbury's on Woodville Road.
7. Live on Miskin Street if you wish to live the quiet life in second and third year
It’s where all the best house parties are, duh.
8. Get locked out of your Talybont halls
Residences won’t let you get off paying a fine, and you won't be able to buy VK in the Lash.
9. Walk along North Road when it’s torrential rain
You will get soaked head-to-toe by traffic.
10. Say you’re going to visit the castle, because you won’t, ever, in all your three years
Even in third year when you’re about to leave will you bother to go.
11. Get to the Lash one minute past free entry
12. Drink anything other than VK
You will be dismissed from the Cardiff family, never to be accepted again.
13. Go anywhere on Greyfrairs Street past first year
Glam, Tiger Tiger and Pryzm are, let's be real here, all the same club.
14. In fact, going to Tiger Tiger is a no
It’s full of locals and Met students – no ty.
15. Try and fight the silverfish in Taly North and South
They are part of your family now.
16. Bringing all your possessions into your Taly North room
Haha good luck fitting all of that in.
17. Drink only one VK at a time in Juice or Lash
Those hands were made for holding four at a time.
18. Wear anything other than your Varsity t-shirt on Varsity
Don't be the dick that doesn't
19. Shag someone on the chair in Senghennydd shared bathrooms
20. Walk down Queens Street on a Saturday
So. Many. Charity. People.
21. Try and argue your halls are better than Taly South
You’re jealous you didn’t get in and are now stuck in Aberconway.
22. Go over the Cathays station bridge after a night at Treatment or Bedlam.
You will probably panic once you get to the top and not make it back down.
23. Leave your bin bags out on the pavement
It’s so beaut seeing chicken carcass and vegetable peel outside your house for a week.
24. Wear flip flops and shorts in baltic conditions
You look like a dickhead.
25. Repeatedly tell people you’re a medic
We get it, you study at the Heath.
26. Lose your mates at Juice
You’ll spend your entire night looking for them from the balcony.
27. Try and convince anyone to come to your pre-drinks in Uni Halls
Nice one, good joke.
28. Leave your finished washing in the circuit laundry rooms for more than 20 mins
29. Throw up in a Dragon Taxi
That’ll be £50 please good sir.
30. Go to Walkabout after the first term of Freshers'
I've had enough of hearing Boneless for one night.
31. Pull a fresher from Taly when you’re not a fresher from Taly (anymore)
That walk home never gets any less painful.
32. Pretend you’re not on first name terms with the Tesco delivery driver despite living in Taly Gate
Nobody buys that much pesto unless it’s on their mum’s card.
33. Walk to Central station in a hurry on game day
Your long-distance college sweetheart will finally end it after you miss your train and decide to get pissed instead.
34. Ignore Abdul any time you walk past Fam Fish
How else are you going to get free chips?
35. Try and learn Welsh from a local on a night out
No matter how perfect your pronunciation, they’ll never admit you’re speaking their language right.
36. Have a shower in your Taly North ensuite at 7am with the door open
When you’re the only naked person at the house fire alarm, it’s not hard to guess.
37. Act surprised when there’s seagulls gnawing at your bin bags
They’re bred on cheesy chips and spilt tinnies and they can kill a man.
38. Invite all your mates up from the home counties for the first Treatment of the year and act surprised when they don’t all fit on your Taly North floor
Sorry James but if you’re not prepared to blow up this air bed in between hits on the shotty you deserve to spoon Tom on the sticky kitchen table.
39. Sign up to the Cardiff Award, you over-zealous moron
A 2:1 in English Lit is quite enough meaningless paper for one person.
40. Live anywhere north of Cathays Terrace
It’s full of medics.
41. Give a single fuck about Heath campus
It’s like Uni Halls – far away and probably not real.
42. Reveal your Englishness during a Wales v England game
Or go all in and ask why it’s really necessary to have bilingual road signs.
43. Open your Taly flat door to any promoters
Learn to identify the haircut through a spyhole and do your flatmates a favour.
44. Wear anything but slip-ons during Varsity
How else are you going to take your shoes off at a moment’s notice to show you hate Swansea?
45. Get to the ASSL after 10am during exam season
Walking to every uni library does not, you will be shocked to learn, count as revision.
46. Live on a street your Mum can’t pronounce
Yeah Mum, just put it into the satnav, that’s Glynrhonnda, GLYNRHONNDA.
47. Go swimming under the Sengenhydd bridge when it floods
Give me an A, give me an E, that’s where you’ll be.
48. Cross the Severn bridge without taking a picture
Maybe you could get your dad to stop at the barrier and you could recreate that bit from that episode of Gavin and Stacey.