Cambridge’s next Vice Chancellor: Our Top Ten

The Vice Chancellor is the main administrative and academic officer of the University. We have no idea what this means but it sounds important.

In 2017, the prestigious role will become vacant, and so the Tab have rounded up our top ten picks (all of whom definitely stand a chance of being elected).

Vote at the end of the article for who you’d like to see as the next Vice Chancellor of Cambridge:

Stephen Fry

A former Footlight, a current Union favourite and one of the most famous Cantabs still alive (it’s hard to compete with Newton and Darwin), Stephen Fry is popular among students and would liven up otherwise boring ceremonies such as graduation.

Addressing his ardent followers (and future constituents?)

Tom Hiddleston

While Hiddleston is best known for playing Loki and for being in the running to play James Bond, arguably his most impressive achievement was getting a double first in Classics at Pembroke. This kind of academic success would set him up perfectly for being Vice Chancellor, as would his skill at keeping his cool in the midst of crisis (let’s face it, the Night Manager was definitely an audition for this and not for any other role).

He also looks good in white tie, which we’re sure is a requirement for the office of Vice Chancellor

Arianna Huffington

Another famous alumna and successful businesswoman, Arianna Huffington has been winning over students everywhere with her new campaign to make more time for sleep (we could all use some – your author is currently reeling from the effects of Wednesday cindies…). Plus she is no stranger to sitting in thrones for mostly ceremonial offices that in reality wield very little arbitrary power :

Hacks, hacks everywhere. #Arianna4Lent2017

Barack Obama

Long shot, we know (see, we aren’t delusional) but he will soon be out of a job and looking for a new one. He has no connection to Cambridge, it’s true, but he studied law at Cambridge-wannabe Harvard (they even named the town Cambridge) and we’re sure he would be excited at the upgrade from the White House to Senate House. Plus it would mean he doesn’t have to live in Trump’s America (#MakeCambridgeGreatAgain).

Obama excited at the prospect of dealing with University Officials (anything’s better than the Republicans). (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

Stephen Hawking

He already lives in Cambridge, he’s pro-Remain and anti-Trump, he’s widely acknowledged to be one of the greatest minds of our time (if not all time) and he would follow the tradition of Cambridge academics holding the position of Vice Chancellor. A perfect fit, really.

Anyone who can handle theoretical physics could surely figure out what exactly the Vice Chancellor does?

Charlotte Ivers

As the Tab’s Number 1 BNOC, Chivers already has something the current Vice Chancellor lacks – name recognition. She’ll also be free to take on a job once her work with Conservatives In is finished and she is comfortable sitting in imposing chairs (as the Vice Chancellor has to at graduation). You’ve seen #Chivers4Tab and #Chivers4Prez, now get hyped for #Chivers4ViceChancellor

TFW you get to sit in a throne and look all imposing. (Image Credit: Chris Williamson)

Boris Johnson

Also potentially out of a job once the EU referendum is over, BoJo has shown that he is good at appealing to students and at pulling attention-seeking stunts (something the current Vice Chancellor lacks). Plus there are fewer opportunities to give speeches as Vice Chancellor than as an MP, so we would all be better off really. We know he’s an Oxford grad, but he’s no stranger to U-turns.

Imagine this, but between King’s Chapel and Senate House as part of the new fundraising campaign.

Sir Richard Dearlove

The former head of MI6 may soon be seeking refuge from the results of the Chilcot Enquiry and Cambridge would be a perfect fit, having been founded as a refuge for those living outside of the law. His appointment would also follow the centuries-old tradition of the Vice Chancellor being the Master of a College (he retired as Master of Pembroke in 2015) and we all know that this University loves a good tradition.

He’s previously also been Chair of Trustees for the Union, so you know he’s good with arbitrary power in shady institutions.

Priscilla Mensah

With her bid for NUS VP of Higher Education proving unsuccessful, Comrade Priscilla is looking for a prestigious role in an unwieldy institution and this could be her best chance. Plus she would bring a large democratic mandate to the role, something all previous Vice Chancellors have lacked. And we all know how much she loves meetings and committees.

Soon coming to Senate House.

Taylor Swift

The longest shot on this list (which is saying something in and of itself), #TayloratTrinity is expanding its remit as a campaign to become #Taylor4ViceChancellor. Just imagine the concerts on Senate House lawn.

Say you’ll see me again even if it’s just in your wildest dreams.

So there it is, the definitive list of candidates. Cast your votes below and have a say in picking your next Vice Chancellor, because the Tab should definitely have a role in this process.