Finn McRedmond Week 2: I wish I was cool

Dave is cool cos that’s the new way to stand out, all the kids are doing it these days. He’s self conscious about it though, because he was only ever on the periphery of the cool north London grammar school circuit; not that he wants you to know that. Dave wants you to think that he’s eternally cool. Like North London, and smoking rollies and garish ‘90s football shirts. He went to the parties but never hosted them. He knew everyone but not everyone knew him. But now it’s his time to shine.

Dave doesn’t look dissimilar to this

Dave often bemoans the fact that all his friends at Bristol have such a better time than him. Did you know the MD and Ket is purer down there? Dave does.

Dave might even go as far as writing an article for the Tab about how buying drugs on the dark net is way better than buying them from the dodgy guy in a Peugeot. Because Dave knows loads about drugs. He also went to Bestival. Have you been to Bestival? Dave has. Twice. But you already know that, because Dave hasn’t stopped talking about it.

He loves deep house, obviously. He’s listened to the best too, because even though he’s only been there once for a weekend with the boiz, Berlin is his spiritual home. Did you know Berlin is really cool? Because it is. I learnt that from Dave. He got into Berghain once as well. He just doesn’t want you to know that he tried six times.

Dave went here! Did you know that! Should I ask him to remind you?!

Bucket hats and oversized shirts are obviously a staple, sometimes when he’s feeling particularly wavey he’ll throw on that hideous block patterned windbreaker he bought in a market in Stoke Newington for £50 even though it only cost £15 in 1996. Dave knows that it looks ridiculous but that’s totally part of the fun right!! Wrong. Fun isn’t cool. Fun is for losers.

His friends are also a lot more beautiful than yours and all the girls wear high waisted cord trousers and DMs and the boys oversized cord shirts and like jeans or whatever. Dave shops on Wavey Garms and in vintage shops in Hackney. He just likes the authenticity of a garm that tells a story. Word.

And all the photos of Dave are totally candid, because smiling and posing is uncool, but having talented edgy friends who take beautifully composed disposables of Dave’s cheekbones reflecting the light of the setting sun is super cool. And not at all forced. It’s not his fault he has highly reflective cheekbones. I bet you have to wear a hi-vis vest when touring a factory. Dave doesn’t.

Dave is also really into politics, not that he knows huge amounts about it, he just knows that  the welfare state is like, so important and the Tories are like, pretty awful. He posts on Cuntry Living all the time. I love it when Dave talks to me about feminism.

No please! Dave, keep talking to me about women’s issues!

But Dave is nice, even though he tacitly judges everything that everyone does and uses his arbitrary razor of coolness to decide whether they’re worth talking to or not. And he has loads of beautiful and nice friends too who aren’t all actually that cool, they’re the ones who just go along for the fun, and the beanies, and the oversized shirts and the trainers. And Turf. Did you know Dave goes to Turf? He does. He goes all the time. Once he touched Napper.

Because Dave’s most salient observation of his university career to date is that Life is quite lame. And Cindies is just down right tragic.

Dave’s ridden a camel, I bet you haven’t ridden a camel

And don’t get me wrong, I like Dave, I really do. I like his friends too. But I wish he hadn’t decided in the first days of freshers’ week that the best way to be cool is to treat everything organised by the university with abject disdain. Shunning freshers’ week and hosting his own parties was difficult at first because he hadn’t actually met anyone yet because he was too busy shunning freshers’ week. But it was worth it. Probably.

Dave is charming, and he is lovable,  but he is also the worst, and lacks the self awareness to know that. Dave knows one thing though, that he’s cool as fuck.

You’d probably like Dave, most people do, but he’ll be at arc-soc on the 30th if you want to call him a prick in person. 

@finn_mcredmond