Where not to go this summer

Think your summer is going to be anticlimactic? Don’t worry, says ELOISE DAVIES. It could be so much worse.

burqa byron CUSU death Drinking grass Hell holiday liechtenstein luxembourg Peacock pirate Pope Sleep Somalia sperm stupid summer syria vatican women worst

“Yeah, I’m off inter-railing for a month with school friends.”

“I got a study grant to learn Italian.”

“Just going to say with my boyfriend for a couple of days.”

“My parent’s are taking me to India.”

Sorry imaginary friends (I’ve lost all my real ones by putting too many photos of them in The Tab), but I have only one word for your tame summer plans. BORING.

Look, you even sent the stock image lady to sleep

Look, you even sent the stock image lady to sleep

Cambridge used to be at the forefront of exciting travel innovation. Byron went on the Grand Tour with a peacock. Darwin went to the Galapagos islands to solve evolution. The university owes its existence to those intrepid scholars who left the comfort of Oxford to brave the barren wilderness of the fens. There’s an important precedent to live up to.

That Byron, always getting the birds #lad

That Byron, always getting the birds #lad

Luckily The Tab Travel Agency is here to help. There’s still time to grab a great last minute deal on a trip to a less… er… traditional destination:

1. Somalia

Who didn’t want to be a pirate as a child? Now’s your chance. In this free and easy country, you’re not held back by anything as dull and limiting as a rule of law. Like Grand Theft Auto, but real.

Best for: The altruistically inclined. A trip to Somalia is guaranteed to encourage you, your friends and family to give enormous amounts of money to those poorer than yourselves. When you get kidnapped and forced to pay a ransom even Trinity’s bursar would struggle to comprehend.

Average Somalian citizen

Average Somali citizen

2. Liechtembourg

Or do I mean Luxenstein?

Travellers are supposed to go to places so remote they’ve barely been heard of, with people whom they know little about. Preferably using a treasure map.

Well, X certainly marks the spot of this country. Because it’s so microscopic it doesn’t show up otherwise. And does anyone know any interesting facts about Luxembourg or Liechtenstein? Thought not. So there we go… Perfect.

Best for: Drinking Society Lads on Tour. You can just tell it’s going to be a party hotspot.

Rave capital of the world

Clearly the rave capital of the world

3. The Vatican City

You’ve just finished those Classics exams and never want a nice relaxing retreat, away from those idiotic dead languages. The Vatican City is the obvious choice.

We from Cambridge automatically fit in very well, with our habit stepping around grass to best preserve it. That’s what they mean by “don’t waste your seed”, right?

Travel insurance recommended. We can’t all be infallible.

Top marks from God and Pope Francis

Top marks from God and Pope Francis

Best for: A romantic break. Forget your condoms, then go around very ostentatiously asking where you should buy more. Even better, get pregnant and inquire into abortion.

4. Iran

You’ll get a great tan… On your back. When you are sentenced to 80 lashes for each alcoholic beverage you consume.

Best for: The CUSU women’s campaign. There would be lots for you to do. And there’d certainly be no social pressure for a “top bikini bod” to worry about.

Ain't no calorie counting there

Ain’t no need to calorie count here

5. Hell

The place everyone’s dying to go to. Warm, lots of celebrities hanging round (possibly literally, from toes impaled on Beelzebub’s trident or some such) and a top road-trip song ready and waiting to become your holiday anthem:

Transport in the local area is cheap and convenient: only one silver coin for a scenic trip along the Styx. There’s also some unique local wildlife to enjoy…

Like this, but three times better

Like this, but three times better

Said happy customer Dante Alighieri, “The trip really encouraged my creative juices to flow.” Persephone added, “The cuisine here is incredible. Just a few bites of  the Chef’s speciality, ‘Pomegranate Surprise’ and I just HAVE to keep coming back for more.” Said Eurydice, “You go to leave and it just sucks you in again.”

Warning: Postcards might get slightly singed.