Mystic Malcolm: your horoscope by subject

Behold, people of Cambridge, I bring you news of the near future. Will there be love on the cards for NatScis this month? Should Psychologists be on the look out for trouble? The only way to find out is to read on.

MEDICINE: Congratulations, Jupiter’s movements this month confirm your long held belief that you are in actual fact better than everyone else in the world. Celebrate by subtly conveying this to everyone that you meet through snide comments about their tiny workloads and lack of job prospects/moral value as human beings. What’s that? You were doing this already? Fantastic. As you were.

PLANT SCIENCE: Hurrah! Mercury is slightly tipsy this month, meaning that the day when you finally solve world hunger is imminent. Oh wait, hang on a moment. Sorry, I had an eyelash in my inner eye. Turns out that was actually Neptune, so you will have to settle for continuing to write dull algorithms and poking cactuses. My bad.

PHILOSOPHY: Midway through the month, you will find yourself starting to doubt the usefulness of your subject, and the value of the many (ha) hours you have spent on it. This is definitely due to the prominence of Mars, and for no other good reason whatsoever. Don’t worry, you probably don’t exist anyway.

The site of an impending existential crisis? Probably not.

PYSCHOLOGY: Watch out, on Wednesday, Venus’ slight sense of ennui means that people will finally recognise that your degree is actually a science. Only joking, even the cosmos can’t perform miracles. I’m an astrologer, and even I think that what you are doing is pushing the boundaries of acceptable evidence based knowledge gathering.

GEOLOGY: Thanks to the ascendency of Neptune, and your poor life choices, it would be a bad idea to pick up the phone this Tuesday: it will only be your mother making passive aggressive comments about how disappointing it is that you have devoted your life to glaring at rocks when you could have been a medic. Ignore her, she is just being antagonised by the conflict between Pluto (RIP) and Saturn, and is in no way making a valid point.

ENGINEERING: Beware a woman who… No, wait. Just beware a woman.

Not for you, engineers.

CLASSICS: Mars is angry, mainly because your essay on him last week was even more sub-standard than usual. As such, a routine “name/subject/college” conversation will lead to violence when you interlocutor accuses you of being a privileged wanker for dedicating the best looking years of your life to irregular Greek verbs. You will try to quote some Ovid to calm the situation. It won’t work.

ASTROPHYSICS: The fact that you have got this far through this article means that all the planets are angry with you, and so they are going to conspire together to try and make you get a third. Coincidentally, if you believe this, then you will. If you don’t, then that’s probably a 2:1 at least. Congrats.

Hawking: deeply unimpressed by your credulity.

THEOLOGY: None of these predictions are real. I can’t actually do magic. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.

So there you have it, Cantabs. Your future is revealed.

Use this knowledge wisely; by which I obviously mean don’t use it at all.