Cocaine Found In The Cambridge Union!
Coke, stock, and two smoking nostrils: we found cocaine in the Cambridge Union!
It turns out that some Cambridge students have more up their noses than just books.
An investigation carried out by The Tab has revealed traces of cocaine in the Cambridge Union Society.
The toilets of the prestigious, 200-year-old debating halls were found to be covered in traces of the white powder.
The cocaine swabs we used are soaked in reactive chemicals. This makes them turn blue when in the presence of the class A drug.
The tests are 95 percent accurate in detecting street-level cocaine.
Flat surfaces were swabbed in the powder rooms upstairs and downstairs. Positive results came from the upstairs unisex toilets and the downstairs male toilets. Interestingly, the female toilets appeared to be clean.
As you can see from the above, the Union toilets appear to be iced in cocaine.
The Tab got its hands on the tests from Crackdown Drug Testing Limited: a drug detection business set up by former cop Dave Rigg.
Ex-PC Rigg, a man with over 30 years experience in his field, was sent images of our results. He verified them, saying ‘Both photographs are evidenced by the blue colouration on the swabs’
“Our swabs are designed to work at milligram levels of cocaine, so a substantial amount must have been present on the surface initially.”
While the swabs are used only as a presumptive test for the drug, their high levels of accuracy strongly indicate that gak fiends do indeed lurk in the Cambridge Union.
Alex Porter, the Vice President of The Cambridge Union, sniffed at the thought of cocaine use in the Union, saying in a statement:
“The Cambridge Union takes every precaution to ensure against drug use at our events”
“As with any building that sees thousands of visitors a week, it is impossible to be completely certain that every person is using the building correctly”
The Tab will not speculate on the possible connection between cocaine use in the Union toilets and its members’ disposition for fast-paced speaking and grandiose rhetoric.
Stay tuned for the incredible part two of The Tab’s in-depth cocaine investigation, where we will expose the Cambridge colleges which are also covered in cocaine.