Robert Smith: Culture Vulture

I’m back again, or rather my carefully nurtured Tab persona is back again, to tell you what’s on this week. In real life I do very little of any cultural worth, unless you count inserting pornographic images into the UL’s Journals on Agricultural History but let’s face it you probably don’t.

So we’re hitting our second week in the bubble and perhaps you’re getting tired of going out every night. Who knows you may be looking for something fulfilling to do. Well ignore your work, that’s never fulfilled anyone. The only reason we work is to avoid an hour of pain and awkwardness during the weekly supervision. You could go to the theatre (in which case stop reading this and start reading Lottie’s piece you moron) but not everyone wants to see cosseted self-important flesh bags reciting incomprehensible words, all the while illuminated by the efforts of autistic technology freaks. Instead check out some of my cultural highlights of the coming week. They’ll distract you from the crushing realisation that your desperate quest for popularity will leave you feeling more alone than ever.

Art: According to David Lowry, the latest exhibition at Kettles Yard is a great way to con someone into exchanging bodily fluids. Break that dry spell and head down immediately.

Music: Fans of warm ale and derivative chord progressions rejoice as Status Quo are playing the Corn Exchange on Thursday. It’s sold out so if you haven’t got a ticket check out these sublime Beatles/Wu-Tang Clan mash-ups instead.

Food and Drink: Ignore those poncey recipe suggestions in Varsity and check out the pinnacle of insane American programming Man versus Food. Apparently food is now a mortal enemy to be vanquished as part of a never ending struggle, rather than something we consume for pleasure and sustenance. Don’t believe me? Click around the five and a half minute mark on this link to see the presenter consuming 180 oysters in twenty minutes.

Film: Lovers of French cinema will choke on their Gauloises when they realise that Jacques Audiard’s A Prophet has been given a UK release this week. Lovers of glossy eye-fucks, however, might be more excited about the latest Wachowski wank project Ninja Assassin.

Television: Mad Men is back on BBC Four on Wednesday. If you haven’t seen the first two seasons yet then what the fuck have you been playing at? Seriously, get out of my sight immediately.

Union: Prominent human rights lawyer Clive Stafford Smith is speaking on Tuesday, so go along if you’re one of the countless lawyers who claim that they’re going to use their powers for good before realising that by going corporate they can make enough money to bury their unhappiness.