Bonkers Bone To Block Bumps

2000 anarchists are due to descend on the May Bumps next month in protest of Mr ASBO's move.

Thousands of anarchists from Class War are to protest May Bumps.

Led by Ian Bone, once described as ‘the most dangerous man in Britain‘, they hope to replicate the 1985 Henley Regatta protests, where yachts were pillaged and rowers and spectators were intimidated.

The group had initially planned a smaller protest with Cambridge Animal Rights who were outraged by the moving of Mr. ASBO and the clipping of his wings.

They had hoped to enlist the support of Trenton Oldfield, whose reckless antics ruined last month’s Boat Race when he swam out into the Thames in a criticism of Oxbridge ‘elitism’.

The Tab has spoken to Mr. Oldfield, who cannot comment for fear of prejudicing the trial. He will not be attending the event.

The protesters, however, have decided to upscale the event. Bone’s blog called for all ‘comrades’ to come to Cambridge to see ‘the toffs face to face and tell them what we think of them’.

Jesus Christ, Trenton

‘Class war’

The Tab spoke to Ian Bone earlier today. The experienced anarchist said ‘our main concern is the class based nature of an education at Eto- ah, sorry, Cambridge.’

Calling for a ‘national mobilisation of both animal rights and anarchist class war’, he said that ‘the best thing you could do for social inequality in this country is burn down Cambridge University.

He dismissed outreach schemes as ‘a load of cosmetic old bollocks‘ and described the university as a way for ‘the gene pool of the upper classes… to nourish itself amongst a very small group of people.’

‘Comrade Ravochol’

He has renamed Mr ASBO ‘Comrade Ravochol’, after the French anarchist of the same name.

On his blog, he outlined his support for the vicious swan: “For us the swan is heroic and has shown exemplary class consciousness by attacking Cambridge University rowers” he declared. He admitted ‘there were some other casualties” as well.

He viewed the removal of the swan as an example the university’s arrogance: ‘They think they can ride roughshod of people so they think they can ride roughshod over nature.’

‘They think they own the river and they probably do. The Conservators of The Cam are all in the pocket of Cambridge university.’

The Conservators said they had ‘No comment.’

Bone-r Fide Anarchist

‘Good turnout’

Bone hoped for a turn-out to rival the past events of Class War. He said that ‘conditions were just right at the moment’ and that he expected ‘500-600 animal rights protesters’ and ‘1200-1500’ anarchists.

Trenton Oldfield, however, will be unable to attend. Bone described him as ‘a funny old kettle of fish’ and suggested that the conditions of his police bail would stop him attending the protest.

Bone denied the claim of Cambridge evening news that he had appealed the Queen. His blog implies the Queen is to blame, with a post titled ‘Swan mutilated by the Queen.’

‘A mistake’

Veteran animal rights activist and local legend Joan Court stressed Animal Rights Cambridge’s distance from Class War.

Ms Court, who is now 93 and a graduate of New Hall, said that she “always thought it was a bit of a mistake” to protest with the group, and added that Animal Rights Cambridge had no political affiliation. “Some people [in ARC] may be anarchists, but we are not an anarchist organization”, she said.

Ms Court said that the group were solely concerned with the welfare of ‘our beloved Mr ASBO’, and that Cambridge Animal Rights would be holding their own protest on May 16th, where they will take their cause directly to the offices of the Cam Conservators in Milton.

  • Punderbirds

    I've got a Bone to pick with this guy…

  • TPJ

    I hope this doesn't affect the U21s beer boat's chances of blades! I've been training all year for bumps

  • Anagram

    Class War = Rascals w

  • Middle Class

    WHEN will people LEARN that the vast majority of us weren't born with a silver spoon in our mouths!!!

    • Erm…

      …which is why half the people here are private school, of course. Very reflective of the general population.

      • think about it

        that's surely due to a failing of the state school system, rather than Cambridge just randomly preferring rich kids

        • Admiral Ackbar

          I think the other half of the people here – state school students – would probably disagree with your views on the 'failing of the state school system'.

          • Hmm…

            No we wouldn't (or at least I wouldn't, and I went to a top 250 comprehensive – supposedly!).

            • Admiral Ackbar

              Well I didn't go to a top 250 comprehensive – but it was a jolly good one in lots of other ways. I had a cracking time!

        • Erm…

          I don't think anyone really believes that interviewers say 'oh she/he seems rich, lets pick her/him'. Clearly, there are failings in the state school system, but that doesn't alleviate from the fact that most of the kids in that failing system don't have a choice. It is therefore entirely inappropriate to simply abdicate all responsibility to the state school system when as a university, we could do much more, and recognising that a pupil taught in a class of 30 is not going to get the same grades as someone of equal intelligence in a class of 4 would be a good start.

          • who the fuck

            gets taught in a class of 4?

            • Admiral Ackbar

              I did in my A level Maths class!

            • Well

              Quite a few private schools. A lot have classes of 5,6,7 also, the disparity is enormous.

      • Stat Man

        Pretty reflective of Red Brick Universities, yes.

        • Erm…

          So just because other universities are as/more inegalitarian in their state school intake (which most, as your stats will show you, aren't), we don't need to do more to alleviate the gap? I don't accept that, which is what you seem to be implying.

          • Stat Man

            Cam do a lot of access work, more than any other uni, to try to increase the number of state school applicants. But without this work, we have an ~equal proportion with many other red bricks. And yet people very rarely undergo toff bashing with regard to St.Andrews/Exeter etc, either in speech or in the press.

            • Erm…

              Yes, because the problem is more pressing at Cambridge, as Cambridge is a better university, thus the opportunities for people here are greater, thus disproportionate representation here has more of a social effect that St Andrews/Exeter etc.

          • Stat Man

            But, more importantly, I highlighted that your comment has no relevance regarding cambridge specifically. You were saying that Cambridge were way off the norm because "half are private school". That is a fucking stupid point and means nothing without first considering what proportions of university-going students are like nation-wide. (nb. please consider only proper universities with proper degrees)

            • Erm…

              No, it was not a 'fucking stupid point'. Yes, the proportion of students in Cambridge is indeed 'way off the norm', but you assumed I was talking about the norm for universities. I am talking about the proportion of people in the general population, and the population (okay I appreciate it is less than half to be pedantic, though it is still grossly disproportionate, which is the point) is not represented one iota in the state/private balance.

      • asr

        less than half actually.

        Students at Cambridge who had to pay for hteir education are in the minority.

        • Erm…

          Pedantic; though technically correct – the point stands, however, which is that the intake is not at all representative.

          • Dr Porkbeast

            The public school system is what stops the improvement of state schools. If all the toffs had to educate their little lord and lady Fauntleroy in state schools you watch the standards rise.

            Public schools + old boy network = lowest social mobility in the world.


            • Duck

              In both the public schools and Oxbridge there is greater freedom of speech and more exploration of ideas and beliefs than ever permitted by Master Bone in his blog and sphere of influence. If anarchism is defined with reference to freedom from arbitrary authority, then Eton and Oxbridge wins out over Bonism. I recall a Cambridge seminar devoted to the evils of bullfighting. Bone censored mention of that from his blog, presumably because it did not fit in with his narrative about animal cruelty in Cambridge. Porkbeast, your leader in a phony.

      • Yeah.

        I went to a private school, sure. After getting a bursary so that my parents could afford to send me there.

    • Late Bloomer

      Yes, most of us had to buy them aged 9

  • Great work

    Master Dickins Master Bates

  • Selwyn-Sharp


    • minorpublicschool


    • Pilgrim Wannabe


      • Greek Scholar


    • Woger


  • Armchair Critic

    What. A. Twat.

  • Ian Moan

    Keep calm Cambridge…pay no attention to the stupid little man and he'll go away. Remember that this is the same guy who thought that marching into Eton and ripping it into 15 year olds was the best way to get his class warfare message across. If he cannot be ignored, Bone should probably receive the same treatment that Stephen Green of Christian Voice does: invited everywhere for interview so he can repeatedly embarrass himself.

  • Notananarchist

    I have to say that i find anything that Mr. Bone does to be extremely entertaining… his most recent 'success' consisted of 8 anarchists shouting at 13-15 year old children in Eton (

    His blog ( contains more hilarity…mainly for his defence of anyone or anything deemed to be a 'class hero' by attacking/opposing/just not being the upper class/toffs/etonians. Oh and the frequent posters along the lines of 'pastie-gate' are always good for a laugh as well 😀

    • Ed Miliband

      I liked the bit where he threatened to execute children.

      And when he told one to commit suicide – such a brave man!

  • Pimms o' Clock?

    I'm so upset I'll miss this wonderful gathering of delusional and misinformed bigots. I'll be at Lords watching the Varsity Cricket that day and will probably enjoy a few swan butties as well.

    • Couldn't agree more

      I shall be at Queen's Club for a spot of tennis, and I daresay we'll see a few swan drumsticks away

  • Juan Sheet


  • Avogadro

    Ian Bone, go back into your mole hole and stay there. (He does look kinda like a mole as well, coincidence?)

  • Boaties

    Need to fuck off anyway. Can I join this protest?

    • Noone

      is making you watch bumps. do one.

    • I hope so, but…

      …strictly in the capacity of an animal rights protestor of course!

  • Animal lover

    Bone has little interest in animal rights or indeed animal welfare; he just wants to parade his ego and have his photo in the newspapers, usually holding a piece of cardboard with the word 'wanker' written on it – the sum of his political arguments. Ask him about his tacit support for halal slaughter, and his reasons why he will not even consider modest proposals for stunning prior to slaughter. Surely such a compassionate man with strong views on animal welfare would see stunning as a compromise. Yet attempts to raise this aspect of animal welfare are meticulously removed from his blog lest it alienates those sections of the revolutionary class he wishes to arouse.So check his famous blog, which is highly censored in keeping with traditional but ever so boring leftists views. Oh Yes. In Bone's quaint terminology the terms 'wanker' and 'fascist' are interchangeable, meaning anyone who disagrees with him.

    • argh
      • Animal Lover

        The Guardian article says 'most' animals…are stunned'. This is vague and not backed up with references. This leaves a large number not stunned and many where the process is far from satisfactory. Whilst many muslim scholars have rightly acknowledged that stunning is compatible with Islamic teachings, there are – as in all faiths – conservatives who want to maintain old traditions, even if they have no basis in religious texts. Bone's censorship exhibits an implicit defence of the conservatives. My point in raising this issue was to draw attention to Bone's unwillingness to discuss this subject, exposing his hypocrisy concerning animal welfare. Bone's argument in favour of censorship is that discussion would appear like a 'smear campaign'. It does not. Bone is wrong. Muslim scholars are willing to discuss, but Bone is a bigot.

        • Fact-checker

          Guardian's article actually refers to RSPCA factsheet ( which in turn quotes the Meat Hygiene Service. I get that it's not your main point, but thought it was worth pointing out.

          • Animal Lover

            Thanks for drawing attention to this. Point acknowledged. Some of us have worked alongside progressive muslim scholars towards a rational solution, which is why Bone's intransigence is infuriating. Good for the editors here, who are more permissive than those anarchists who want to liberate the world from them.

    • Pat

      Ian has a long tradition of supporting animal rights as well as equal rights. I'm not sure if Halal meat has anything to do with trashing nature on The Cam (ducklings mown down today). Why are you talking about Halal?

      • Animal Lover

        Pat, Because despite his pretence regarding animal rights, Bone censored out discussions of halal, a subject which we have discussed rationally here in Cambridge. This indicates that there is freedom of argument here and respect for human rights among the so called toffs, that cannot be found in Bone's Stalinist style organization. I am replying because Bone is not just a buffoon, he represents a very evil and repressive doctrine, which has little in common with either the principles of anarchism or repreentative democracy.

      • Get off our back

        The Ducklings being mown down on the vergeside was nothing to do with boaties or bumps… It's the ConCam that did it to make it look pretty and it was their gaffe and their gaffe alone.

  • Communists…

    …and anarchists are definitely not the same thing, is Mr Bone familiar with the concept of political affiliation?

  • Swan

    As the only waterfowl legally affiliated with the Crown, I'm perfectly conscious of which class I belong to – needless to say, a far loftier one than this 'Bone' fellow.

  • Well

    Good luck finding "Cambridge University" to burn down….

  • Communists…

    …and anarchists are definitely not the same thing

  • Voice of Reason

    Ian Bone has been a national embarrassment for decades. Here is a video of him on an early episode of Jonathan Ross, where he ignores Ross' handshake, swears constantly and actually THREATENS Ross' brother:

    He is constantly described as 'ONCE the most dangerous man in Britain'. Ian Bone is just that: a burnt-out JOKE. Do not pay any attention to him and his self-obsessed rantings.

  • Sigh

    There's no point in even getting angry at these misinformed people, they're so wide of the mark it's just boring, like trying to reason with an angry toddler.

  • counter

    Dearest boaties and Maggie-tack,
    Which way to Anarchist HQ?

  • What a penis-head

    Ian Bone is an utterly disgusting human being. Also, I'd love to see what GCSE/A level grades he got… This is envy at its most green.

    • Animal Lover

      Bone's envy and class hostility is very much an act, as is his phony cockney accent and embarassing imitation at a working class wail should anyone disagree with him. I don't know all of his GCSE grades, but among the qualifications which saw him enter UCWales was an A level in Latin, and thereafter an upper second in Sociology. Over the years this working class role took over and he may even believe he is an uneducated impoverished Victorian cockney worker, hating the toffs for all their misdeeds. He proclaims himself to be an anarchist – which is a respectable political standpoint traceable to ancient Greece – but his adopted role as an anarchist leader places him closer to the communists, Lenin, Stalin and Mao.

    • Zed

      I think you might find they had O-levels in Ian's time. You are not studying history are you?

  • Kwoo!

    What a BONEhead. Kwoo! Kwoo! Fnarr.

  • My goodness…

    the thing tweets…!/MrAsbo

  • Hippie

    Woah dude, that's like so rad. I'll take part by sitting cross-legged on the river, sipping on organic tomato juice and petting the swans as they swim by, whispering original fables to passing sailors, nurturing their broken souls.

    (You'll probably be thinking, sit on water? Yes, I was taught this meditative hovering technique by monks in the remote mountains of Myanmar when I was on a Flower-Power mission spreading green love worldwide. Peace, love, happiness. )

    P.S. I'm bored of revision.

  • Punny guy

    What a bone head!

  • Aesop
  • Howler

    Why not stage a real protest?

    …LEG IT!

  • maybe

    Maybe he's the mistreated jealous step brother of Peter Bone

  • Jenny from the block

    I worked really hard to break out of my oppressive "working class" background and against all odds am now studying at the best university in the world, I have come a long way but if you bring a flame anywhere near here I WILL GET MY GHETTO ON.

  • Russell Wilson

    You say you want a revolution… we all want to change the world.

  • Bounder
  • time to hunt
  • Joe Bloggs

    Dear Bone

    we could not give less of a fuck about swans.

    The Working Classe

  • Beer Boats

    We'll row over them

    • Novice rower

      catch a crab right on their head…

  • AverageStudent

    I've worked damn hard to get here, if I cross paths with this shitdick I will stop revision purely to go and shout into his ear until he boards a train back to lazy-entitled-cunt ville.

  • Soz Homerton, but…

    This gives me even more reason to direct tourists (which may well be 'anarchists' in disguise) directions to Homerton in answer to their question: "Where is Cambridge University"?

  • wtf

    has he actually lost his mind or is this an april fools a few months too late??

  • Skim Reading Idiot

    He can sod off back to Ireland.

    U2 are rubbish anyway.

  • Bloody Idiot

    Sorry I shall just sit on my lump of high-interest cash contributing fuck-loads to the country's research output.

    It's not like we do nought, frollicking at May balls and rah-ing constantly…

    For christ's sake I'm a state school pupil and don't give a shit, this university is a meritocracy; I earnt this. Burn down Cambridge and you lose a huge amount of future science, thought & arts.

  • Angry classicist

    it's bona fide, your pun is a wet fart sir.

  • Gigggggle

    Terrified. Certainly not going to row now in bumps now.

  • Gideon Smythe

    Doesn't this bonehead realise that we own The Cam and can do what we please. He must realise that some people are born rich and clever; that is the natural order of things

  • John's daughter

    Ian Bone grew up in Hampshire, went to the local grammar school, and then attended Swansea University. How do I know this? Not wikipedia, but because my Dad did exactly the same, and knew Ian well. He is not exactly the epitome of a working class hero. Ian, we are not all ex-etonians. Some of us just worked really hard to get here and want to have the best education we can. Including people like me, who went to the same school as you did. Just because you don't like it here, don't inflict your opinions on anyone else. I would hate to think that your shit-stirring could deter bright students from applying to a top university and being taught by the best academics in the world. Peddling the myth that we are all from top private schools is outdated, misinformed, and will undermine the work done by cambridge access.

  • He has a point…

    …burning down good universities would help with equality – we can all be idiotic fuckwits together

  • CUSU

    we keen, comrades?

  • TabAddict

    Why is this article still most commented? It hasn't been commented for 19 HOURS !!!11!1!! OMG OMG ROFL ROFL ROLF ROLF ROLF

    • Rolf Harris

      I'm here!

  • Rofl Johnson

    No she was calling me, dimwit.

    • TabAddict

      He, actually. Cringe.

    • Rolf Harris

      That's embarrassing… I had a long way to come.

  • Duck

    Generalissimo Bone is now recruiting his army to march on the Bumps on 16 June. Here are his instructions. The march will start at 11am from Trinity Lane-Trinity Street-Bridge street – Thompsons lane – Park parade – Jesus Green -university boathouses- rally on Jesus Green.
    Please ensure that children are kept indoors and people of a nervous disposition should stay away. The Bonistas are not a pretty sight (or smell) and spectators should position themselves down wind. Toffs who are willing to repent, give up their education and take up benefit scrounging, may plead for mercy at the Bone Tribunals later that day. There are rumours that Bone will personally conduct Class War baptisms for the newly converted on the riverbanks.

  • Duck

    This is breaking news. Is Bone about to switch sides and support the toffs against the working class yobs who killed ducklings with their catapults? Reward offered for the yobs who sadistically killed the ducklings, leaving some dying. Is Bone to lead a class war protest? Or is his new found love of ducklings only confined to those who are connected to alleged Cambridge toffs?.

  • Institutionalelitism

    Eugh bunch of posh idiots…

  • Angrysapper

    If this twat ruins a day my daughter (from astate schoole background, like me) has worked immensely hard for, I will renounce a lifetime of non-violence and beat him to a pulp

  • Mr Bone

    old chap… would you be so kind as to join us for a swan sandwich? Simply yummy!

  • qwertz

    Bone – you are embarrassing yourself.

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