Bonkers Bone To Block Bumps

2000 anarchists are due to descend on the May Bumps next month in protest of Mr ASBO’s move.

Thousands of anarchists from Class War are to protest May Bumps.

Led by Ian Bone, once described as ‘the most dangerous man in Britain‘, they hope to replicate the 1985 Henley Regatta protests, where yachts were pillaged and rowers and spectators were intimidated.

The group had initially planned a smaller protest with Cambridge Animal Rights who were outraged by the moving of Mr. ASBO and the clipping of his wings.

They had hoped to enlist the support of Trenton Oldfield, whose reckless antics ruined last month’s Boat Race when he swam out into the Thames in a criticism of Oxbridge ‘elitism’.

The Tab has spoken to Mr. Oldfield, who cannot comment for fear of prejudicing the trial. He will not be attending the event.

The protesters, however, have decided to upscale the event. Bone’s blog called for all ‘comrades’ to come to Cambridge to see ‘the toffs face to face and tell them what we think of them’.

Jesus Christ, Trenton

‘Class war’

The Tab spoke to Ian Bone earlier today. The experienced anarchist said ‘our main concern is the class based nature of an education at Eto- ah, sorry, Cambridge.’

Calling for a ‘national mobilisation of both animal rights and anarchist class war’, he said that ‘the best thing you could do for social inequality in this country is burn down Cambridge University.

He dismissed outreach schemes as ‘a load of cosmetic old bollocks‘ and described the university as a way for ‘the gene pool of the upper classes… to nourish itself amongst a very small group of people.’

‘Comrade Ravochol’

He has renamed Mr ASBO ‘Comrade Ravochol’, after the French anarchist of the same name.

On his blog, he outlined his support for the vicious swan: “For us the swan is heroic and has shown exemplary class consciousness by attacking Cambridge University rowers” he declared. He admitted ‘there were some other casualties” as well.

He viewed the removal of the swan as an example the university’s arrogance: ‘They think they can ride roughshod of people so they think they can ride roughshod over nature.’

‘They think they own the river and they probably do. The Conservators of The Cam are all in the pocket of Cambridge university.’

The Conservators said they had ‘No comment.’

Bone-r Fide Anarchist

‘Good turnout’

Bone hoped for a turn-out to rival the past events of Class War. He said that ‘conditions were just right at the moment’ and that he expected ‘500-600 animal rights protesters’ and ‘1200-1500’ anarchists.

Trenton Oldfield, however, will be unable to attend. Bone described him as ‘a funny old kettle of fish’ and suggested that the conditions of his police bail would stop him attending the protest.

Bone denied the claim of Cambridge evening news that he had appealed the Queen. His blog implies the Queen is to blame, with a post titled ‘Swan mutilated by the Queen.’

‘A mistake’

Veteran animal rights activist and local legend Joan Court stressed Animal Rights Cambridge’s distance from Class War.

Ms Court, who is now 93 and a graduate of New Hall, said that she “always thought it was a bit of a mistake” to protest with the group, and added that Animal Rights Cambridge had no political affiliation. “Some people [in ARC] may be anarchists, but we are not an anarchist organization”, she said.

Ms Court said that the group were solely concerned with the welfare of ‘our beloved Mr ASBO’, and that Cambridge Animal Rights would be holding their own protest on May 16th, where they will take their cause directly to the offices of the Cam Conservators in Milton.

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