Bonkers Bone To Block Bumps


2000 anarchists are due to descend on the May Bumps next month in protest of Mr ASBO's move.

Thousands of anarchists from Class War are to protest May Bumps.

Led by Ian Bone, once described as ‘the most dangerous man in Britain‘, they hope to replicate the 1985 Henley Regatta protests, where yachts were pillaged and rowers and spectators were intimidated.

The group had initially planned a smaller protest with Cambridge Animal Rights who were outraged by the moving of Mr. ASBO and the clipping of his wings.

They had hoped to enlist the support of Trenton Oldfield, whose reckless antics ruined last month’s Boat Race when he swam out into the Thames in a criticism of Oxbridge ‘elitism’.

The Tab has spoken to Mr. Oldfield, who cannot comment for fear of prejudicing the trial. He will not be attending the event.

The protesters, however, have decided to upscale the event. Bone’s blog called for all ‘comrades’ to come to Cambridge to see ‘the toffs face to face and tell them what we think of them’.

Jesus Christ, Trenton

‘Class war’

The Tab spoke to Ian Bone earlier today. The experienced anarchist said ‘our main concern is the class based nature of an education at Eto- ah, sorry, Cambridge.’

Calling for a ‘national mobilisation of both animal rights and anarchist class war’, he said that ‘the best thing you could do for social inequality in this country is burn down Cambridge University.

He dismissed outreach schemes as ‘a load of cosmetic old bollocks‘ and described the university as a way for ‘the gene pool of the upper classes… to nourish itself amongst a very small group of people.’

‘Comrade Ravochol’

He has renamed Mr ASBO ‘Comrade Ravochol’, after the French anarchist of the same name.

On his blog, he outlined his support for the vicious swan: “For us the swan is heroic and has shown exemplary class consciousness by attacking Cambridge University rowers” he declared. He admitted ‘there were some other casualties” as well.

He viewed the removal of the swan as an example the university’s arrogance: ‘They think they can ride roughshod of people so they think they can ride roughshod over nature.’

‘They think they own the river and they probably do. The Conservators of The Cam are all in the pocket of Cambridge university.’

The Conservators said they had ‘No comment.’

Bone-r Fide Anarchist

‘Good turnout’

Bone hoped for a turn-out to rival the past events of Class War. He said that ‘conditions were just right at the moment’ and that he expected ‘500-600 animal rights protesters’ and ‘1200-1500’ anarchists.

Trenton Oldfield, however, will be unable to attend. Bone described him as ‘a funny old kettle of fish’ and suggested that the conditions of his police bail would stop him attending the protest.

Bone denied the claim of Cambridge evening news that he had appealed the Queen. His blog implies the Queen is to blame, with a post titled ‘Swan mutilated by the Queen.’

‘A mistake’

Veteran animal rights activist and local legend Joan Court stressed Animal Rights Cambridge’s distance from Class War.

Ms Court, who is now 93 and a graduate of New Hall, said that she “always thought it was a bit of a mistake” to protest with the group, and added that Animal Rights Cambridge had no political affiliation. “Some people [in ARC] may be anarchists, but we are not an anarchist organization”, she said.

Ms Court said that the group were solely concerned with the welfare of ‘our beloved Mr ASBO’, and that Cambridge Animal Rights would be holding their own protest on May 16th, where they will take their cause directly to the offices of the Cam Conservators in Milton.

  • Angry classicist

    it's bona fide, your pun is a wet fart sir.

  • Gigggggle

    Terrified. Certainly not going to row now in bumps now.

  • Gideon Smythe

    Doesn't this bonehead realise that we own The Cam and can do what we please. He must realise that some people are born rich and clever; that is the natural order of things

  • John's daughter

    Ian Bone grew up in Hampshire, went to the local grammar school, and then attended Swansea University. How do I know this? Not wikipedia, but because my Dad did exactly the same, and knew Ian well. He is not exactly the epitome of a working class hero. Ian, we are not all ex-etonians. Some of us just worked really hard to get here and want to have the best education we can. Including people like me, who went to the same school as you did. Just because you don't like it here, don't inflict your opinions on anyone else. I would hate to think that your shit-stirring could deter bright students from applying to a top university and being taught by the best academics in the world. Peddling the myth that we are all from top private schools is outdated, misinformed, and will undermine the work done by cambridge access.

  • He has a point…

    …burning down good universities would help with equality – we can all be idiotic fuckwits together

  • CUSU

    we keen, comrades?

  • TabAddict

    Why is this article still most commented? It hasn't been commented for 19 HOURS !!!11!1!! OMG OMG ROFL ROFL ROLF ROLF ROLF

    • Rolf Harris

      I'm here!

  • Rofl Johnson

    No she was calling me, dimwit.

    • TabAddict

      He, actually. Cringe.

    • Rolf Harris

      That's embarrassing… I had a long way to come.

  • Duck

    Generalissimo Bone is now recruiting his army to march on the Bumps on 16 June. Here are his instructions. The march will start at 11am from Trinity Lane-Trinity Street-Bridge street – Thompsons lane – Park parade – Jesus Green -university boathouses- rally on Jesus Green.
    Please ensure that children are kept indoors and people of a nervous disposition should stay away. The Bonistas are not a pretty sight (or smell) and spectators should position themselves down wind. Toffs who are willing to repent, give up their education and take up benefit scrounging, may plead for mercy at the Bone Tribunals later that day. There are rumours that Bone will personally conduct Class War baptisms for the newly converted on the riverbanks.

  • Duck

    This is breaking news. Is Bone about to switch sides and support the toffs against the working class yobs who killed ducklings with their catapults? Reward offered for the yobs who sadistically killed the ducklings, leaving some dying. Is Bone to lead a class war protest? Or is his new found love of ducklings only confined to those who are connected to alleged Cambridge toffs?. http://www.dailyecho.co.uk/news/9716294.Yobs_cata

  • Institutionalelitism

    Eugh bunch of posh idiots…

  • Angrysapper

    If this twat ruins a day my daughter (from astate schoole background, like me) has worked immensely hard for, I will renounce a lifetime of non-violence and beat him to a pulp

  • Mr Bone

    old chap… would you be so kind as to join us for a swan sandwich? Simply yummy!

  • qwertz

    Bone – you are embarrassing yourself.

Get the best of The Tab on our app.

, Cambridge Deputy Editor

BREAKING: CUSU passes motion for NUS referendum

FINALLY we have an answer.

How to attend a supervision without doing any of the work

Hungover? Tired? Just plain lazy? We got you.

Caesarian Sunday-ers of the week

Like Clubbers of the week, but messier. Oh so messier.

, Editor, The Tab Manchester

These are the things that made me realise I had depression

Was I depressed or just being a bitch?

, Chief Reporter

Remembering American Adventure, the closest we got to the USA in the Midlands

Horses, guns and rollercoasters. What more could you want?

, Head of Marketing

I’d rather hang out with my parents than go clubbing

Most of my friends would, too

, Durham Editor of The Tab

Rhodes Must Fall founder makes waitress cry ‘typical white tears’

He wrote ‘WE WILL GIVE TIP WHEN YOU RETURN THE LAND’

,        

How to check your boobs: A guide

It’s so easy